Discussion Married or single? healthy or chronic illness?

[Sternum]

Yeah, I hear you. It's funny, I sincerely believe it would be a benefit to humanity to lose consciousness, and it would be a benefit to any organism that can experience any degree of sensation/perception to cease existing so they didn't suffer, yet when you explain reasons that your time is up, my first inclination is to try walk you back, that is to say if you didn't intend to hurt someone you don't deserve blame or guilt, or to say that tragedy plus time is comedy (an insulting phrase to one feeling the effect of tragedy) or there isn't a benefit in making yourself suffer over the past. Really, I think that's just to try to help you feel better and not to walk you off the ledge. Those are basically the tropes people tell me, and I find them distasteful when I hear them, but they are the same tropes I'm inclined to repeat to you. Such nonsense. I do think it's better to not exist, I mainly just wish we didn't suffer while we do exist.

 

[Lisa]

Yeah, I hear you. It's funny, I sincerely believe it would be a benefit to humanity to lose consciousness, and it would be a benefit to any organism that can experience any degree of sensation/perception to cease existing so they didn't suffer, yet when you explain reasons that your time is up, my first inclination is to try walk you back, that is to say if you didn't intend to hurt someone you don't deserve blame or guilt, or to say that tragedy plus time is comedy (an insulting phrase to one feeling the effect of tragedy) or there isn't a benefit in making yourself suffer over the past. Really, I think that's just to try to help you feel better and not to walk you off the ledge. Those are basically the tropes people tell me, and I find them distasteful when I hear them, but they are the same tropes I'm inclined to repeat to you. Such nonsense. I do think it's better to not exist, I mainly just wish we didn't suffer while we do exist.

What if existence was pleasant

Would you prefer it to nonexistence then?

 

[Sternum]

Non-existence is neutral, so it is always preferable, in my view. A life that is pleasant also has unpleasantness. To me, no amount of pleasantness compensates for the inevitable unpleasantness, applied to everyone in a general sense, not just applied to me and my experience. I would say that if a person wants to exist, they are justified in existing and I sincerely hope they enjoy it.

 

[Lisa]

Non-existence is neutral, so it is always preferable, in my view. A life that is pleasant also has unpleasantness. To me, no amount of pleasantness compensates for the inevitable unpleasantness, applied to everyone in a general sense, not just applied to me and my experience. I would say that if a person wants to exist, they are justified in existing and I sincerely hope they enjoy it.

I hear you

 

[Malice1]

Hi Malice,

No I meant that I hope you get that chance in this life to turns things around. I hope there's an afterlife too. But if you have the chance to fix things in this life grab it. None of us can know about the afterlife. We can have our beliefs and hopes but we don't know what will come after this.

Im afraid that is literally impossible. I fucked up way too much. Theres only one way this ends now, and thats with suicide. My luck ran out 4 years ago (with the exception of nabbing N of course).

 

[Lisa]

Im afraid that is literally impossible. I fucked up way too much. Theres only one way this ends now, and thats with suicide. My luck ran out 4 years ago (with the exception of nabbing N of course).

Sorry friend

 

[Mari]

Im mentally disfigured and theres no way to reverse it. My physical disability played a part in that but it wasn't the sole reason i ended up this way. Anyway it feels like im in a dystopia and i feel like death is my only escape. I cant blame anybody but myself for letting it get this bad, i just wish i had another chance to make things right.

I can really relate to this. I hope you'll find the peace and clarity you deserve in one way or another. And I say deserve, but I think it's something all living beings should be entitled to. So yes. Well wishes for whatever it's worth.

 

[Mari]

Your talking about an afterlife? I really do hope you guys are right about that. I want to believe in one but the odds dont look too good so i cant. I've never wanted to be more wrong about something in my life.

Don't know if this might have any impact for you, but it had me pause and wonder at least. A person on reddit wrote: (is it ok to copy/paste and share without asking?)

I think there is an afterlife for two reasons. The first of all is that you already started as nothing before you were born and became a conscious creature. nothing -> something can happen.

Secondly, when you are dead an infinite amount of time can pass in an instant. Our universe could die and new one can be created. That could happen a million times.

During all this time, surely the same process in which you "awakened" into an incarnation could happen again?

And what if in the future an AI god or something revives you for altruistic reasons?

What if some entity in the infinite cosmos is "mining" the space of all possible minds(similar to mining for crypto), to use them for something, and the pattern that is you pops out?

Any case, I personally usually end my day admitting to myself that I can't know these things before they happen. Neither do the scientists of today's world.

 

[Mari]

Im afraid that is literally impossible. I fucked up way too much. Theres only one way this ends now, and thats with suicide. My luck ran out 4 years ago (with the exception of nabbing N of course).

I wonder what happened, would you care to share or am I being too curious/intrusive.. in that case, apologies.

 

[Mari]

Hi Guys

I've been suicidal for almost 2 years

Will ctb January 2019

I began working on my plan one year ago

I decided on my method, my location, figured out what I want to do with tying up loose ends. So I've been working on all of this, though it's at a slower pace than I used to be. I lay in bed all day seldom leave the house.

I've read a lot of your posts and I'm just comparing notes I guess.

I find that there is a good percentage of people on these sites who are single, or chronically ill, or unhappy with their appearance or finances.

I'm just wondering if there are people who want to ctb for reasons other than lack of love, lack of beauty, lack of health, lack of finances? Or are those the main reasons?

For me, those aren't my reasons. I'm married, healthy, good financial situation and a model (a pretty one). I feel alone in that I don't have the typical reasons behind my desire to go. My reason is emotional and that i feel it's my time to go because of things that happened in my life.

Anyone else out there in similar situation?

Not exactly a similar situation externally, but my reason is different than most here. I'm physically healthy, even quite good looking. I'm very talented in most of the fine arts - dance (ballet, tango, salsa) music, (classical -oboe, recorders, piano, jazz, pop, singer/songwriter - guitar, vocals), visual arts (realistic drawing, painting, sculpture) and generally good at whatever I begin to learn. Also I speak 4 languages, understand another 5 on a lighter level.

But I'd like to end this life because of psycho/spiritual ethical/moral (yeah, it must sound silly) issues. Nonsense to many of you, I know. I'm not religious but I've had some experiences that have scarred me in these areas and left me feeling so lost - I didn't know it was even legally possible to exist feeling so bad. Psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, pills - have all made it worse. I'm internally in hell - and get me right - not as a metaphor but as in when I close my eyes or listen to my default thoughts, I see and hear torture. Literally. Day and night. Abuse, violence, sexual abuse, more violence. My thoughts sound the same. And the cherry on top is that I find myself thinking I deserve it.

 

[Caerula]

Not exactly a similar situation externally, but my reason is different than most here. I'm physically healthy, even quite good looking. I'm very talented in most of the fine arts - dance (ballet, tango, salsa) music, (classical -oboe, recorders, piano, jazz, pop, singer/songwriter - guitar, vocals), visual arts (realistic drawing, painting, sculpture) and generally good at whatever I begin to learn. Also I speak 4 languages, understand another 5 on a lighter level.

But I'd like to end this life because of psycho/spiritual ethical/moral (yeah, it must sound silly) issues. Nonsense to many of you, I know. I'm not religious but I've had some experiences that have scarred me in these areas and left me feeling so lost - I didn't know it was even legally possible to exist feeling so bad. Psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, pills - have all made it worse. I'm internally in hell - and get me right - not as a metaphor but as in when I close my eyes or listen to my default thoughts, I see and hear torture. Literally. Day and night. Abuse, violence, sexual abuse, more violence. My thoughts sound the same. And the cherry on top is that I find myself thinking I deserve it.

I'm actually curious about what happened to you as well? Did you do something that you didn't mean to do?

 

[Caerula]

I think there is an afterlife for two reasons. The first of all is that you already started as nothing before you were born and became a conscious creature. nothing -> something can happen.

I disagree with "nothing -> something" (but I hope I don't sound too disagreeable). No matter how much I hope it didn't happen, I can't deny that my parents really did gave me life. It is from parents' DNA children came to be, if that makes sense, not exactly nothingness...

 

[Sternum]

Not exactly a similar situation externally, but my reason is different than most here. I'm physically healthy, even quite good looking. I'm very talented in most of the fine arts - dance (ballet, tango, salsa) music, (classical -oboe, recorders, piano, jazz, pop, singer/songwriter - guitar, vocals), visual arts (realistic drawing, painting, sculpture) and generally good at whatever I begin to learn. Also I speak 4 languages, understand another 5 on a lighter level.

But I'd like to end this life because of psycho/spiritual ethical/moral (yeah, it must sound silly) issues. Nonsense to many of you, I know. I'm not religious but I've had some experiences that have scarred me in these areas and left me feeling so lost - I didn't know it was even legally possible to exist feeling so bad. Psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, pills - have all made it worse. I'm internally in hell - and get me right - not as a metaphor but as in when I close my eyes or listen to my default thoughts, I see and hear torture. Literally. Day and night. Abuse, violence, sexual abuse, more violence. My thoughts sound the same. And the cherry on top is that I find myself thinking I deserve it.

Well you are certainly justified in not wanting to keep continue feeling this way. I'm very sorry you do.

 

[Mari]

Well you are certainly justified in not wanting to keep continue feeling this way. I'm very sorry you do.

Thank you.

 

[Mari]

I disagree with "nothing -> something" (but I hope I don't sound too disagreeable). No matter how much I hope it didn't happen, I can't deny that my parents really did gave me life. It is from parents' DNA children came to be, if that makes sense, not exactly nothingness...

From my perspective our parents didn't create us as such, but offered the worldly conditions with which life is created. We can't create a human being just by having dna material and a stash of scientists - and our parents themselves are not capable of creating life nor explain how exactly life happens. Who created them? And those before them? Darwin might not have been right.. We can't explain death to the fullest as we can't analyze life completely either. I hope I'm not sounding disagreeable either..

(Edit: forgot to mention another argument regarding nothing—>something, and that is your consciousness. You weren't there to witness your parents before you were conceived, so in your memory before your birth there was ..nothing. Death might be exactly that, but then the notion is that something can be born out of that nothingness)
-
Actually I had a bit of a crying episode trying to formulate an answer to you, because from an outside perspective I haven't done anything wrong. The best wording I can do for now would be that I abandoned my self by acting out of physical security rather than truth. I didn't follow my gut, my heart, my knowing, but my fear. And to such an extent and recklessly so in a long series of choices over a short span of time, that I lost touch with myself, who I was, stood for and knew was the truth. A part of it was letting my parents abuse me for a roof over my head and for the sake of not being alone. I chose (severely) destructive company over being alone. Loss of innocence, self respect and love is the result. Internally I am so crippled that I don't believe I can ever recover, truly. There's nothing else I'd rather, though. But I'm shackled by my choices made in the past, and lost in the wind of a traumatized mind.

I hope there are human beings on earth who are capable of choosing truth over self preservation. I hope that makes sense somehow.

 

[Malice1]

I wonder what happened, would you care to share or am I being too curious/intrusive.. in that case, apologies.

I rather not get into it.

 

[Caerula]

From my perspective our parents didn't create us as such, but offered the worldly conditions with which life is created. We can't create a human being just by having dna material and a stash of scientists - and our parents themselves are not capable of creating life nor explain how exactly life happens. Who created them? And those before them? Darwin might not have been right.. We can't explain death to the fullest as we can't analyze life completely either. I hope I'm not sounding disagreeable either..
-
Actually I had a bit of a crying episode trying to formulate an answer to you, because from an outside perspective I haven't done anything wrong. The best wording I can do for now would be that I abandoned my self by acting out of physical security rather than truth. I didn't follow my gut, my heart, my knowing, but my fear. And to such an extent and recklessly so in a long series of choices over a short span of time, that I lost touch with myself, who I was, stood for and knew was the truth. A part of it was letting my parents abuse me for a roof over my head and for the sake of not being alone. I chose (severely) destructive company over being alone. Loss of innocence, self respect and love is the result. Internally I am so crippled that I don't believe I can ever recover, truly. There's nothing else I'd rather, though. But I'm shackled by my choices made in the past, and lost in the wind of a traumatized mind.

I hope there are human beings on earth who are capable of choosing truth over self preservation. I hope that makes sense somehow.

Both what you said about the creation of life and how you explained your experience make sense! Thank you for sharing your experience. It really made me think about my life and the similar choices I've made and have to make in the future....Thanks again!

 

[Mari]

I rather not get into it.

That's cool.

 

[deflagrat]

From my perspective our parents didn't create us as such, but offered the worldly conditions with which life is created. We can't create a human being just by having dna material and a stash of scientists - and our parents themselves are not capable of creating life nor explain how exactly life happens. Who created them? And those before them? Darwin might not have been right.. We can't explain death to the fullest as we can't analyze life completely either. I hope I'm not sounding disagreeable either..
-
Actually I had a bit of a crying episode trying to formulate an answer to you, because from an outside perspective I haven't done anything wrong. The best wording I can do for now would be that I abandoned my self by acting out of physical security rather than truth. I didn't follow my gut, my heart, my knowing, but my fear. And to such an extent and recklessly so in a long series of choices over a short span of time, that I lost touch with myself, who I was, stood for and knew was the truth. A part of it was letting my parents abuse me for a roof over my head and for the sake of not being alone. I chose (severely) destructive company over being alone. Loss of innocence, self respect and love is the result. Internally I am so crippled that I don't believe I can ever recover, truly. There's nothing else I'd rather, though. But I'm shackled by my choices made in the past, and lost in the wind of a traumatized mind.

I hope there are human beings on earth who are capable of choosing truth over self preservation. I hope that makes sense somehow.

I see that every day in reddit (I don't mean to try to red pill you), that's why I made the choice to stop thinking about relationships completely. I think I would probably be in your situation too... they say everything heals with time but I am not sure if that's true. I am sorry to see you like this .

 

[Lisa]

Not exactly a similar situation externally, but my reason is different than most here. I'm physically healthy, even quite good looking. I'm very talented in most of the fine arts - dance (ballet, tango, salsa) music, (classical -oboe, recorders, piano, jazz, pop, singer/songwriter - guitar, vocals), visual arts (realistic drawing, painting, sculpture) and generally good at whatever I begin to learn. Also I speak 4 languages, understand another 5 on a lighter level.

But I'd like to end this life because of psycho/spiritual ethical/moral (yeah, it must sound silly) issues. Nonsense to many of you, I know. I'm not religious but I've had some experiences that have scarred me in these areas and left me feeling so lost - I didn't know it was even legally possible to exist feeling so bad. Psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors, pills - have all made it worse. I'm internally in hell - and get me right - not as a metaphor but as in when I close my eyes or listen to my default thoughts, I see and hear torture. Literally. Day and night. Abuse, violence, sexual abuse, more violence. My thoughts sound the same. And the cherry on top is that I find myself thinking I deserve it.

Sounds similar to my experience in some ways. The moral part I feel. And the torturous hell too. Sometimes I can go numb but mostly no.

 

[Mari]

I see that every day in reddit (I don't mean to try to red pill you), that's why I made the choice to stop thinking about relationships completely. I think I would probably be in your situation too... they say everything heals with time but I am not sure if that's true. I am sorry to see you like this .

Thanks, deflagrat.

One thing I wonder actually is - if I'm doing something wrong by becoming a part of a community, even one such as this, if it's going to cause people pain of any kind if I end it. I remember a post made by one person recently about them being mildly traumatized from not knowing if a fellow forum-buddy had done it. Sorry, just made me think since I noticed I seem to be comforted by knowing there are real people who know about me, however anonymous or not...

 

[Fylobatica]

And the cherry on top is that I find myself thinking I deserve it.

Life's too short to worry about everything, especially if you didn't do anything cruel to others that could justify such a feeling.

The vast majority of our deepest fears are delusions created by our subconscious, which is -- as you might know-- a storage tank for experiences which have hurt us throughout life.

Hard to ignore them, but with some effort it can be done. I became a completely different person throughout time. From guilty for no reason, to mostly careless.

 

[Mari]

Life's too short to worry about everything, especially if you didn't do anything cruel to others that could justify such a feeling.

The vast majority of our deepest fears are delusions created by our subconscious, which is -- as you might know-- a storage tank for experiences which have hurt us throughout life.

Hard to ignore them, but with some effort it can be done. I became a completely different person throughout time. From guilty for no reason, to mostly careless.

- I didn't. Only in my mind when angry or in pain. And that was and still is new to me. (Experiencing my mind thinking bad wishing thoughts about anyone. Self hatred grows out of that in my case.)

- yes. But if the tank is filled with more trash than you can handle too quickly by external factors you don't have a say on, like - 50 new unexpectedly deep psychological, emotional, mental and existential traumas in 7 days, it might end up drowning you. Delusions or illusions, if too much at once, you can't catch a breath to have any say on what goes on. Not to sound defensive, I just had some grueling experiences.

- I'm happy to know it was doable for you, really. I'm still trying to get head above water though.

Appreciate your post, Fylobatica

 

[El Topo]

I hope there are human beings on earth who are capable of choosing truth over self preservation. I hope that makes sense somehow.

Powerful words. If humans were able to choose truth over self-preservation, I think the world would look very different.

 

[Mari]

Powerful words. If humans were able to choose truth over self-preservation, I think the world would look very different.

I think there are some who are capable. Many perhaps. But I wasn't although I knew exactly what I was doing. Imagine taking the blue pill after having had the red. You know too much but you're thrown out of the realm of being able to do anything about it. Hm.

 

[El Topo]

I think there are some who are capable. Many perhaps. But I wasn't although I knew exactly what I was doing. Imagine taking the blue pill after having had the red. You know too much but you're thrown out of the realm of being able to do anything about it. Hm.

I agree that there are some humans who are capable, but I think it remains at a consistent small percentage of the population. These people are probably the "oldest" on a soul level (have lived more lives than the average human and therefore are born with a certain innate wisdom).

I think humans are a fairly "early" stage of development that souls evolve into, which is why humanity is the way it is. There is an infinite number of "baby" souls who are constantly incarnating as humans, and the humans who have learned enough move on to become other types of life forms.

There's a quote I've always liked, although it might be apocryphal. Supposedly the Buddha once asked, "Which do you think is greater? The oceans, or all the tears you've cried throughout all of your lives?"

 

[anna]

Chronic pain, depression, anxiety and a deep hatred for humans

 

[Tiburcio]

I think my death wishes comes from noticing the only things I wanted to do can't be done due to the absolute lack of time and my life only consist in just working until I can't more, sleeping bad and with literally no time for anything. I tried to find somebody worthy of telling my problems but seeing how the world actually is and my pathethic social skills for getting trust enough with someone this seems impossible.

But honestly, my problems are nothing compared with the stories people post here, and this makes me feel I'm an idiot.

 

[Caerula]

But honestly, my problems are nothing compared with the stories people post here, and this makes me feel I'm an idiot.

This reminds me of what millefeui said in another thread.

Am i the luckiest? suicidal but supported by my parents

The truth is it doesn't really matter why you want to die. One's problems might sound insignificant and futile to other, but only the person who is suffering knows how shitty their problems are. It is not necessary to be suffering from chronic pain or something terrible like that.


I knew (barely) someone who wanted to die just because they didn't like existing. According to the individual, it was too much of an effort with little payoff — and I don't disagree with that. As far as I know, there was no chronic pain, no ugliness or anything like that. Honestly? It is a valid reason to die as much as any other.


People are so judgmental about so many things almost everywhere, I think it is great that this place is somewhat different. There are still some judgement even here (like some people judging the 14 years old girl or whoever gave her advice on methods), but it is nothing significant, thankfully. This place is actually better than the clown fiesta that was the original sanctioned suicide subreddit after some time.

 

[millefeui]

I was confused for a moment because I didn't remember posting in this thread. xD