Those are some beautiful words and I couldn't relate more <3
I find myself in the same boat, or maybe a different boat but the same ocean. I would like to change and want to change however I lack the self discipline.
Someone told me "nothing changes if nothing changes", which is a strange argument but it's very true.
I think I have become comfortably numb, in other words, I am familiar with this horrid feeling and the fear of change is related to the fear of the unknown.
(I hope this doesn't hijack or take away from your original message)
Nobody else can change for you, but that doesn't mean you have to do it alone. I hope to see you break this cycle
The only constant in life, is change.
—Heraclitus
The same old pattern, the same old shtick
Want to make a change, want to not be sick
But when it's time to fight, at the first sight of pain
Running once more, back to my own chains
—BloomingAzaleas
I feel like I've been trapped in this cycle for a while now. I finally have a desire to make a change in my life, and to pursue a life that I would like. However, making change is hard, and I feel like even though I have this new desire, I keep holding myself back because I'm afraid to move forward, and because of that I feel frustrated at my slow progress.
The desire for change, has to come from within, I can't keep cowering away, nor can I expect to get anyone's help to make a change, I have to be dependent on myself, but it's so damn hard when I'm my own biggest obstacle.
I want to know if anyone else has gone through this, or if they were able to overcome this self-obstacle for recovery.
Soon, you will be reborn my friend. One day, you will find the courage to overcome yourself, and take the first step towards a new life you wish to lead. Maybe you will relapse and stumble many times, but in the end, you will be glad to have ventured out however you may have--because
anything is better than stagnation.
things will never be the same
you will always change
there are new things, you'll know
soon.
~
keep at it
it
will be worth it.
An analogy. You have a maze, and you have a handful of bugs. You put the bugs in the maze, and you leave. Given infinite time, one of the bugs WILL find a way out, if they just erratically try and try. This is why they called us Iterators.
—Seven Red Suns, Rain World pearl lore
I'd say Pride.
I feel like I gave up a life to live like everyone else, and this life has chose has only lead me to suffer.
But I take pride in this life I chose, and choosing actions for change just makes me feel sick because it's like I'm rebelling against what I originally chose to live for. It's not my right to ask for something more after all, this is the life I chose.
Despite that pride, I still want to make a change, it's just, difficult…
Do not live for others any more than you would expect others to live for you.
—Christopher Hitchens, Letters to a Young Contrarian
It is a great honor indeed to rebel against whatever's previous choices were, in favor of the present, in favor of
now!
You are under no obligation to be the same person you were 5 minutes ago.
—Alan Watts
You may change your mind, anytime you like, over and over again, as much as you wish. This is the power of having free will! You may choose what you like, and no one can force you to any other ;)
Maybe feeling a little sick at first is part of the medicine. First you'll feel sick from the cough syrup, then be bedridden for a little--and then soon your cough will fade in a way that you barely even notice until you do, from the freedom of it. Maybe you will be able to walk better and talk better but still have a roughness now and then. Maybe you'll get sick again! Who knows! But you'll be able to have your ability expanded, at the very least, and ain't that something?
You feel sick right now. But there are so many options for healing yourself. You can take as many treatments as you like, in any way you like--healing is a long process, but even if you just get a little healthier, it's still worth it.
Your life matters, and I hold your psychological health and your physical health to be of utmost value. Please take care of yourself, friend. I promise you that you will feel nicer that you did.
Anything, anything my friend--is better than to give up change, the chance at a new way of living--because fundamentally, it isn't really a choice; it's become reborn, or die trying. And trying hard and burning up anyway is still alright--even then!--even then, the effort is not wasted, because you lived in a new way, experienced
new things, and put yourself in a
new state of mind. It's always worth it, my friend! Better to fly into the sun than into the bottom of the sea, if you catch my drift. [Maybe like Icarus.]
But anyways. Safe sailing, my friend. Your poetry is so beautiful. I saw your thread about the Chinese poetry, it's genuinely unlike anything I've seen--so unique and beautiful! Please continue this beautiful craft for yourself and continue embracing the intricacy of this fascinating world and the weird visceral nature of it. Your poetry is genuinely fantastic to read, each one of those short words hits like a
raindrop in that barrage of words you put up--so wonderful :) (And I'm a poet myself. Great stuff, fellow writer
Please take care. Thank you for existing!
From,
~Hunter
Thank you for your words, it means a lot there's other still looking for land in this vast abyss. Comfortably numb is such a good way to put it, I've become so comfortable in my situation that the thought of changing it to something better scares me more than continuing or even getting worse. Hopefully you can break the cycle too.
(reminding me of the song
Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, now)
There is land. And maybe the floor of the abyss itself can become a land, in a way, and one can build and breathe from there.
And even
if you are numb now. Soon the drugs will wear off. And then,
you will be able to feel again.
It takes time. But the time is worth it.
~
