Venting Lying about uni, pretending to be normal and happy

[suicidaljane]

Last year i made decision to kill myself. I did not want to be here anymore. During summer i started planning but i didnt realize how hard it actually is to kill yourself. My plan was vague and it lead to failed attempt in September 24.
I was supposed to go into my last year in uni in September. But i was hoping to be dead by that time, which did not happen. So i have been pretending to go to uni to everyone. I should be graduating this May. My parents are saying how proud they are for me and they are nice and good to me. I feel so guilty about lying to them, they think im successful but im just huge failure. I keep postponing ctb only beceause of them i think, i dont want them to hurt. So i keep saying i will mask and try to give them one last week with me. Then i didnt want to do it because of christmas, birthdays, celebrations etc. But i cant keep doing that anymore. I should be dead 6 months ago.
Honestly i didnt care about uni, i didnt have motivation, energy anything. I tried to look as normal and happy as posssible. It is like mask. But it is all lies. Only thing i had energy to do for this 6 months was planning and researching ways how to die. I became almost obsessed with planning a reading about different methods. I feel like im on a verge of mental breakdown everyday. I try to put happy mask but i want to cry all the time but i cant even do that. I missed so many opportunities to ctb and now im running out of time.
I dont know why im writing this here. Im ashamed of myself but i guess i just needed to tell someone.

 

[s00ngone]

As awful as this is, I completely relate. We have pretty different experiences, but we have the pretending in common. I've been stacking lie after lie waiting for the inevitability of ctb, stewing in the fear and the disgust and the shame and, ultimately, the inability I have to just live.

I'm glad you're here to relate to, even if it's so painful to be in your position. Your success shouldn't have ever had to feel like a measure of your worth. I think of my parents and sister constantly as I seriously contemplate ctb, knowing that they'll be completely destroyed by my death on top of not being able to predict it. I hear you about only having energy to research methods; I'm not happy or glad to be a member here, but it becomes a gravity well when you feel you've exhausted all your other options.

I'm trying to do enough research, planning and prep so any attempt of mine isn't vague or ineffectual. Thank you for sharing of yourself even in pain.