Lost the one you thought you'd spend your life with?

[FionaWR]

It's been 6 months now.
The one I thought I'd spend my life with left me as I "tried too hard"
I cannot get em out of my head. It's driving me fucking insane.
I was normal before, now alcoholic and have to have an endoscopy, it's scaring the shit out of me.

I bought N but its hopefully coming this week.
I watch the mailbox every day. Hoping it hasn't been seized.
Hospital prescribed anti anemics to stop me throwing up after drinking.

I got told not to ask for the tracking number. SO far it's been two weeks!

Is this a valid reason to CTB?
Initially, I was going to get my bike license and CBT to CTB off Beachy Head - but that's scary.
I've been lurking a while.

 

[vanillapeanut]

Hey Fiona. Fellow lurker here.
I am in a similar situation. My long term boyfriend broke up with me 8 months ago and the pain is still fresh every day. Don't know how to deal with it. It's definitely a contributing factor to my desire to ctb.
At the end of the day if something makes you feel bad enough to feel like ctb, then whether it's "valid" or not in the eyes of others doesn't matter. It's your own personal battle.

 

[devin44]

Can I be honest? I think 6 months is still way too soon to get over somebody. Took me well over a year to really adjust after a serious relationship. Don't assume that it'll always hurt as much as the present. It definitely won't. Two years on I'd totally moved on.

There's no objective judge of what's valid and what isn't, but it seems a real shame to me to end things.

 

[FionaWR]

I setup a SMS a few weeks ago, outlining my reasons and scheduled.
Fell asleep drunk and it sent :/ I felt so bad.

 

[devin44]

Who did you send it to?

 

[FionaWR]

My ex, maybe the number was blocked already though idk.

 

[devin44]

Ahh that is pretty bad. Well although I hate the 'hang in there' platitude, you'll be astonished how much time gradually changes things, without you even noticing. Definitely give it a few months and see how you feel.

 

[FionaWR]

I think once N comes that's it. I've been drowing my thoughts with alcohol.
And it's killing me. I have been throwing up bloody etc hence the endoscopy.

I don't know, I lost most my friends through anger too.
I sleep on this shitty camp bed and hardly get any.

Struggling to get a job as I left the one I didn't realise I loved due to stress.
And I'm afraid tomorrow I won't have any money for alcohol and tremors or DT will set in.
Which could kill me in its self. It sounds an awful death though.

I don't want much, just a home, car, a job and a decent relationship.

All I got told was "people have it worse than me" where's the sense in that!

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

Yes, almost a decade ago. And what she did to me is one of the major reasons I'm finally, after all this time, going to put an end to it. I can simply no longer go on, and I'd never have ended up in such dire straits if she hadn't thrown me away like garbage, in the worst possible way, at the worst possible time, for the worst possible reasons (that backfired on her anyway). She will have my blood on her head, and I sincerely hope she takes it to Hell with her.

 

[devin44]

Sounds like a really tough spot to be in. Are you getting any help?

 

[FionaWR]

Yes, almost a decade ago. And what she did to me is one of the major reasons I'm finally, after all this time, going to put an end to it. I can simply no longer go on, and I'd never have ended up in such dire straits if she hadn't thrown me away like garbage, in the worst possible way, at the worst possible time, for the worst possible reasons (that backfired on her anyway). She will have my blood on her head, and I sincerely hope she takes it to Hell with her.

That's definitely not what I want. I don't want them to believe it's their fault, it's mine.
I'm getting help for alcohol but not for my head.

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

There is no more help for me. Not someone as poor as me. Not someone as traumatized as me. I'm working on making my exit plan as painless and practical as possible. It should be doable. I just don't think I have much time left. Things have gone very bad very fast since the beginning of May and I'm living in a place that won't be fit for habitation soon. I refuse to be homeless and hungry again; if that happens, that's my time (or just before) to board the Nope train to Fuck-This-Shit-Ville.

 

[GeorgeJL]

It's been 6 months now.
The one I thought I'd spend my life with left me as I "tried too hard"
I cannot get em out of my head. It's driving me fucking insane.
I was normal before, now alcoholic and have to have an endoscopy, it's scaring the shit out of me.

Is this a valid reason to CTB?

No, you sound like an adult that never grew up. You have motivation that is misguided but just the fact that you have motivation says to me that you have a chance. Plus just the fact that your asking if it's a valid reason also says that your not ready to leave.

The body can take A LOT of damage, and is very malleable and can recover from many things. What have you tried to get better with so far?

 

[ExitTheDay]

Yup, I lost the person I thought I would spend my life with aswell, it's a shame she didn't have enough self respect to not go behind my back and cheat, but you know what that's her problem and I've realised that I don't need her and I'm much better off without her

 

[devin44]

I think help for your head would be good to try first. I found people to talk to at a local charity that basically pulled me slowly out of a horrendously dark place.

 

[FionaWR]

No, you sound like an adult that never grew up. You have motivation that is misguided but just the fact that you have motivation says to me that you have a chance. Plus just the fact that your asking if it's a valid reason also says that your not ready to leave.

The body can take A LOT of damage, and is very malleable and can recover from many things. What have you tried to get better with so far?

An adult that never grew up, why do you say that?
This is not an impulsive thought, it's been 6 months and I still just want out of my own head.

I did try and get help from mental services; but it seems everywhere I go doesn't really want to help, just get you off the cards.
Unfortunately, I cannot control my thoughts. If I could just get rid, I would. And I'd be better off for it.

I think the reasons are more that I cannot control these thoughts, I cannot sleep properly and I'm living in shit conditions.
I've tried getting a job etc. It's just hard and I'm not getting anywhere. I have nothing else to focus on.

If I already gave my best, what's the point in keep trying? Yes people have it worse than me. But that's like telling someone not to be happy because there's someone happier?

"My life, my death, my choice because we should be able to control our deaths, as much as we control our lives. "

 

[Roger]

She died.

 

[FionaWR]

She died.

Sorry?

 

[GeorgeJL]

An adult that never grew up, why do you say that?
This is not an impulsive thought, it's been 6 months and I still just want out of my own head.

Because your probably an adult that is an alcoholic. Many alcoholics never grew up emotionally and cognitively. My brother is pretty bad functioning alcoholic, so I know what it's like. He's been on the verge of death before. I've seen this shit happen. He still acts immature at times yet he's 35 years old.

Also what makes you sound like you never grew up is this ""tried too hard" I cannot get em out of my head. It's driving me fucking insane." See mature adults are not dependent on their lover for their happiness. They are free from strong feelings of attachment. If their lover goes to far they will show them the door and move on, because ultimately they are grounded in themselves and themselves are ultimately grounded in truth and reality. They have morals which are unmovable. Which makes them stable and not at the whim of their partners actions or inactions.

Let me ask you this. What have you tried to get better with?

 

[FionaWR]

Because your probably an adult that is an alcoholic. Many alcoholics never grew up emotionally and cognitively. My brother is pretty bad functioning alcoholic, so I know what it's like. He's been on the verge of death before. I've seen this shit happen. He still acts immature at times yet he's 35 years old.

Also what makes you sound like you never grew up is this ""tried too hard" I cannot get em out of my head. It's driving me fucking insane." See mature adults are not dependent on their lover for their happiness. They are free from strong feelings of attachment. If their lover goes to far they will show them the door and move on, because ultimately they are grounded in themselves and themselves are ultimately grounded in truth and reality. They have morals which are unmovable. Which makes them stable and not at the whim of their partners actions or inactions.

I think it's more the circumstances I've been left with following the split; we had a lot together including house, working together etc. I left it all. And I'm cycling back to the life that I had whilst we were together. I'm not dependant on them. I appreciate what you're saying; but I cannot control these ruminating thoughts. I worked so hard to build everything up, and got left with sweet fa.

Well I'm working with the hospital for alcohol. Working with an IVA for the debt I've been left with, and I've tried a considerable amount of mental health services including crisis, samaritans etc. I just get pushed away it seems.

I wasn't alcoholic before, just FYI. I've used it really as a way to get to sleep at night.
Now my tolerance is so high it doesn't work. I don't act immature.
FYI I'm 26 and never had a drink/drugs problem prior.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I think it's more the circumstances I've been left with following the split; we had a lot together including house, working together etc. I left it all. And I'm cycling back to the life that I had whilst we were together. I'm not dependant on them. I appreciate what you're saying; but I cannot control these ruminating thoughts. I worked so hard to build everything up, and got left with sweet fa.

Well I'm working with the hospital for alcohol. Working with an IVA for the debt I've been left with, and I've tried a considerable amount of mental health services including crisis, samaritans etc. I just get pushed away it seems.

I wasn't alcoholic before, just FYI. I've used it really as a way to get to sleep at night.
Now my tolerance is so high it doesn't work. I don't act immature.

OK I see, yeah it seems like my initial impressions were off. Yeah man your good. The N should be on it's way soon. LOL I already have my N ready, won't be using it for many years to come hopefully, just got it for as insurance for my dignity.

 

[FionaWR]

Also I only sent the schedule SMS to my ex because I was considering hanging, and I didn't want to leave them with questions believing it was their fault.

Yeah, maybe you should question a situation beforehand. People are generally open and happy to discuss.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Also I only sent the schedule SMS to my ex because I was considering hanging, and I didn't want to leave them with questions believing it was their fault.

Yeah, maybe you should question a situation beforehand. People are generally open and happy to discuss.

I have no regrets, I think I did a pretty good cold read. LOL

 

[FionaWR]

I have no regrets, I think I did a pretty good cold read. LOL

Fair enough, I'm just judgemental. Just saying; sometimes there's more to a situation than meets the eye.
I figured this forum understood that, that's all.[/QUOTE]

 

[GeorgeJL]

Fair enough, I'm just judgemental. Just saying; sometimes there's more to a situation than meets the eye.
I figured this forum understood that, that's all.

There will always be flaws with words, because they are not an efficient way to communicate. Speaking with thoughts on the other hand like in the afterlife, there is little room for intent to be hidden.

 

[FionaWR]

There will always be flaws with words, because they are not an efficient way to communicate. Speaking with thoughts on the other hand like in the afterlife, there is little room for intent to be hidden.

So if you know that ask the questions before making assumptions.
That's all I'm saying. This is also becoming an argument which was not my intention.
Please stop.

 

[GeorgeJL]

So if you know that ask the questions before making assumptions.
That's all I'm saying. This is also becoming an argument which was not my intention.
Please stop.

I guess, we stereotype all the time and have fun with it comedians and comedies do it all the time. So the question is, do we only stereotype for things we find funny but on serious matter we shouldn't stereotype? IDK interesting question that I don't really know the answer to. But I can say that I certainly could have asked you first and that would have worked out fine too.

 

[FionaWR]

I guess, we stereotype all the time and have fun with it comedians and comedies do it all the time. So the question is, do we only stereotype for things we find funny but on serious matter we shouldn't stereotype? IDK interesting question that I don't really know the answer to. But I can say that I certainly could have asked you first and that would have worked out fine too.

Please leave my thread. As I just said in another post. You come across as a know it all. I came here for a little comfort, support and guidance as I have received no help from mental health services. You've pretty much sabotaged my thread with no care and offered nothing of value.

You might stereotype. But I treat every person as an individual because they are. Nobody is the same.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Please leave my thread. As I just said in another post. You come across as a know it all. I came here for a little comfort, support and guidance as I have received no help from mental health services. You've pretty much sabotaged my thread with no care and offered nothing of value.

You might stereotype. But I treat every person as an individual because they are. Nobody is the same.

Jesus Christ man calm down. Your the one blowing up here. I was just being completely honest with myself. My intent was to help, sometimes it just doesn't work out the way we hope. Sorry for offering my thoughts on your situation.

 

[FionaWR]

Jesus Christ man calm down. Your the one blowing up here. I was just being completely honest with myself. My intent was to help, sometimes it just doesn't work out the way we hope. Sorry for offering my thoughts on your situation.

It seems to me you're that intent on destroying this thread and what I've written you have also assumed I'm a man. Don't know many men with the name Fiona. Your attitude and lack of empathy conveys through a lot of your posts from what I've seen. Other members have also commented. Please don't comment here again. I'm uninterested in what you have to say.

Thankyou. I welcome feedback from other members that is constructive.