@Roger , I'm sorry. I hope she was comfortable and not too scared. x
@FionaWR , I'm sorry you're facing so much. An endoscopy through your nose & throat isn't so bad, and it doesn't take long. The other way in, they should anesthetize you, so that's ok too.
Have you talked with anyone at the job you loved and left about getting it back, or at least having your cv on file if they need someone? It's worth a try, probably?
I was once told that the love of my life is not the one I had lost, who had left; the love of one's life doesn't leave. I hated hearing that at the time, but now I believe it's right.
I hope that doesn't hurt you. I hope receiving your N will be reassuring enough that you won't rush to take it. When I have everything I need on hand and know I can bow out any time I feel a lot more secure. Having options is good.
Be gentle with yourself. Hugs x