lost1s
New Member
- Feb 18, 2026
- 3
Unorganized thoughts.
After my parents passed a few months away from each other few years ago, it has gotten worse and worse for me mentally. Even after my parents haven't passed away, I would be still struggling with my anxiety and depression. Even time I wake up I just want to go back to sleep and never walk up. I have nothing to look forward to in the future. I'm unemployed and every time I wake up, I stressed and worry about how I'm going to make enough money to survive. I'm just barely working DD to make barely anything back because I quit my job at a restaurant because I can't stand it. I can muscle and push through for a year but then I quickly get worn down and it all goes back to negative thoughts. "Why am I working here? What is the point of me working here with I don't make enough? I'm paying more for essentials than I do making income. I can't do anything other jobs because either someone else got hired, I require a degree, I have no talents, or I don't like the job for many reasons. I barely make more than 1k a month if I'm lucky with DD's promos that I cut costs like trying to eat only 1 meal a day. I waste my time in my room being an addict to playing games most of my days and gooning to run away from reality and chasing for the dopamines. I guess on the upside I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or game. I live with my siblings and I'm not in good terms with them. We don't interact with each other much due to not having anything interesting to talk about or our interest don't match. I'm jealous of my siblings having something positive that makes them more worth it in life than I am. I have a passion for playing games but can't make it career due to anxiety and competitive isn't my thing. But I might as well feel like I have no passion for anything as well as have no ambition for myself and the future. The world keeps getting worse and worse with inflation and difficult getting a job. To do anything in life, money is always involved. I just don't want to be alive and want to die so badly. I had a mental breakdown last year and was about to shoot myself in the head. But I couldn't do it and accidentally shot my fridge while forgetting how to decock the hammer. My stupidass thought it was a good idea to go try and attempt a suicide right in front one of my siblings. I guess I should be grateful and fortunate that no one was harmed, and no one called the police. I don't know why I couldn't do it and now my gun is in my sister's possession. I could had ended it all when I got the gun months ago before the incident. I assumed it is my survival instinct or natural instinct to pain. I said I don't fear death more than I do pain but sometimes, I'm not really sure if I really mean it. Or maybe I fear more pain after death. I barely have any meaningful connections with my siblings so being gone will be less impactful to them compared to our parents. I feel like I'm being selfish for being suicidal but at the same time I just thought it be better with one less mouth to feed. I don't know anymore and just want this suffering to end. I hate myself so much for being useless and a waste of space. What does it matter if I'm gone? The world will still go on anyways.
After my parents passed a few months away from each other few years ago, it has gotten worse and worse for me mentally. Even after my parents haven't passed away, I would be still struggling with my anxiety and depression. Even time I wake up I just want to go back to sleep and never walk up. I have nothing to look forward to in the future. I'm unemployed and every time I wake up, I stressed and worry about how I'm going to make enough money to survive. I'm just barely working DD to make barely anything back because I quit my job at a restaurant because I can't stand it. I can muscle and push through for a year but then I quickly get worn down and it all goes back to negative thoughts. "Why am I working here? What is the point of me working here with I don't make enough? I'm paying more for essentials than I do making income. I can't do anything other jobs because either someone else got hired, I require a degree, I have no talents, or I don't like the job for many reasons. I barely make more than 1k a month if I'm lucky with DD's promos that I cut costs like trying to eat only 1 meal a day. I waste my time in my room being an addict to playing games most of my days and gooning to run away from reality and chasing for the dopamines. I guess on the upside I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or game. I live with my siblings and I'm not in good terms with them. We don't interact with each other much due to not having anything interesting to talk about or our interest don't match. I'm jealous of my siblings having something positive that makes them more worth it in life than I am. I have a passion for playing games but can't make it career due to anxiety and competitive isn't my thing. But I might as well feel like I have no passion for anything as well as have no ambition for myself and the future. The world keeps getting worse and worse with inflation and difficult getting a job. To do anything in life, money is always involved. I just don't want to be alive and want to die so badly. I had a mental breakdown last year and was about to shoot myself in the head. But I couldn't do it and accidentally shot my fridge while forgetting how to decock the hammer. My stupidass thought it was a good idea to go try and attempt a suicide right in front one of my siblings. I guess I should be grateful and fortunate that no one was harmed, and no one called the police. I don't know why I couldn't do it and now my gun is in my sister's possession. I could had ended it all when I got the gun months ago before the incident. I assumed it is my survival instinct or natural instinct to pain. I said I don't fear death more than I do pain but sometimes, I'm not really sure if I really mean it. Or maybe I fear more pain after death. I barely have any meaningful connections with my siblings so being gone will be less impactful to them compared to our parents. I feel like I'm being selfish for being suicidal but at the same time I just thought it be better with one less mouth to feed. I don't know anymore and just want this suffering to end. I hate myself so much for being useless and a waste of space. What does it matter if I'm gone? The world will still go on anyways.
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