Lost and afaid

[a.n.kirillov]

Your dad also sounds like an unhealthy person to be around. My family is also pretty dyfunctional so I know how shitty such a situation is. I hope you can somehow make it out of there in the near future and find some people who appreciate you more.

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

He's very nice and a sweet person. But he is very whiney and always having money trouble. He smokes weed and watches TV which is his issue. Not slamming him for how he lives but I'm very distraught over the pot money issue and I'm just getting nowhere explaining it. That's not how I would act with my daughter. Never. Borrowing money buying weed, then can't pay it back. No. Not something I would do. Its making me not care about them finding the body.
That's not entirely true. I still care. God. Of course I care. God forgive me.

He's very nice and a sweet person. But he is very whiney and always having money trouble. He smokes weed and watches TV which is his issue. Not slamming him for how he lives but I'm very distraught over the pot money issue and I'm just getting nowhere explaining it. That's not how I would act with my daughter. Never. Borrowing money buying weed, then can't pay it back. No. Not something I would do. Its making me not care about them finding the body.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

You seem like a very empathetic person and people pick that up and (sometimes wholly unconsciously) start to abuse that. I have the same problem it's not easy to live with so I get that. Considering he is your dad however, him stealing your money for buying drugs, as much as he might be unable to help it, is just unacceptable.

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

You seem like a very empathetic person and people pick that up and (sometimes wholly unconsciously) start to abuse that. I have the same problem it's not easy to live with so I get that. Considering he is your dad however, him stealing your money for buying drugs, as much as he might be unable to help it, is just unacceptable.

Borrowed. Just to be fair to him. I didn't think my dad would do something like that to put me more behind then just throw his hands in the air. It is unacceptable. But unless I want to sleep with the permafrost, I must accept it.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

. But unless I want to sleep with the permafrost, I must accept it.

I like the way you worded that ^^

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

Like I feel so guilty because it feels like now that I have a safe place to talk, I really am sure I want to ctb. I am so conditioned that suicide behavior is bad that I almost feel like I'm taking advantage of you people by allowing myself to express it.
Im not.

Like I feel so guilty because it feels like now that I have a safe place to talk, I really am sure I want to ctb. I am so conditioned that suicide behavior is bad that I almost feel like I'm taking advantage of you people by allowing myself to express it. Im not. I just feel free being able to be open and say I'm maybe dying tonight or soon. It's the only thing I have anymore.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Expressing things in a non judgemental space is never bad. Please just, whatever you do, try to think about all of this as long as possible in as much a calm manner as possible.

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

Expressing things in a non judgemental space is never bad. Please just, whatever you do, try to think about all of this as long as possible in as much a calm manner as possible.

I appreciate it friend. I have been thinking for years. I spent months thinking about this the last time she threw me out. Each of the 4 times. The shortest was 3 months. That's a year right there. Of thinking. I have spend countless sleepless nights... obsessively thinking. Trying to think rationally. I just...dont...want ..to...live. like for real
If I had a car i wouldn't even be here. I would be at Los Algodones, trying to get across and get me some N.
I have been talking to a friend. We met on a forum and made what you call a pact or partner agreement. I actually hope she doesn't go through with it but I am hoping to get to her within a month if I can hold out and if she does want to do it in the end I hope it's together. We have been talking for 3 months and though I feel weird admitting it...I think I love her. She's been there everyday. I mean not like romantically or anything. Im not crazy. But I have this attachment to a pen pal. A very good friend for a pen pal but still a pen pal. I think she is the reason I'm still alive. Again I stress I don't mean this in a romantic way. We never met in person. But all the same I love this person with all my heart and as much as I don't want to die alone I hope she has a change of heart.
And of course I won't give out any details as to who this person is or anything private between us. Just saying that a do have a possibile partner it I can get my shit together.
And of course I won't give out any details as to who this person is or anything private between us. Just saying that a do have a possibile partner it I can get my shit together.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I appreciate it friend. I have been thinking for years. I spent months thinking about this the last time she threw me out. Each of the 4 times. The shortest was 3 months. That's a year right there. Of thinking. I have spend countless sleepless nights... obsessively thinking. Trying to think rationally. I just...dont...want ..to...live. like for real
If I had a car i wouldn't even be here. I would be at Los Algodones, trying to get across and get me some N.
I have been talking to a friend. We met on a forum and made what you call a pact or partner agreement. I actually hope she doesn't go through with it but I am hoping to get to her within a month if I can hold out and if she does want to do it in the end I hope it's together. We have been talking for 3 months and though I feel weird admitting it...I think I love her. She's been there everyday. I mean not like romantically or anything. Im not crazy. But I have this attachment to a pen pal. A very good friend for a pen pal but still a pen pal. I think she is the reason I'm still alive. Again I stress I don't mean this in a romantic way. We never met in person. But all the same I love this person with all my heart and as much as I don't want to die alone I hope she has a change of heart.
And of course I won't give out any details as to who this person is or anything private between us. Just saying that a do have a possibile partner it I can get my shit together.
And of course I won't give out any details as to who this person is or anything private between us. Just saying that a do have a possibile partner it I can get my shit together.

What you are expressing is unique to you and no-one can truly understand another. However, this place is full of people with similar feelings, not just of despair but of conflict and hope and exhaustion. That doesn't cure your problems, but you are in good company with people who will listen and try and understand. There is no shame in sharing and understanding, ever.
And I know what you mean about the attachment you made with someone, that happens here too. its entirely possible to love someone without having a romantic connection or even meeting them. Be wary though, a relationship made in that way can crumble when taken into the real world.
I can't solve you problems any more than I can solve mine, but I'm glad you are posting and talking.

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

And I thank you for being there to communicate with. It would be extra nightmarish to not have somewhere to go to talk to people. I think that is why the media stories about this forum made me so mad.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

And I thank you for being there to communicate with. It would be extra nightmarish to not have somewhere to go to talk to people. I think that is why the media stories about this forum made me so mad.

Agreed. Don't forget, those that try and listen and support get something out of it too. It helps me a little if I feel that I can listen, makes me feel a little less worthless. So don't ever feel guilty about posting or 'moaning' etc.
The people who would take this site down, yeah, it makes me angry cus they don't understand that the reasons why this site exist are more important and troubling than the fact it actually exists at all. But I understand their attitude, its very hard to listen when you haven't had the same sort of experience.

 

[TheLastSacrifice]

I remember being an inexperienced kid. Even then, I always thought people should be able to say whatever they want to say. Teach what they want to teach. Anything else is orwellian, no matter what my personal feelings are. I guess I just had good teachers in school that actually taught us to think about things. We didn't like big brother back when I was in school. Im not sure what is going on these days but people are becoming afraid of their own shadows.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I remember being an inexperienced kid. Even then, I always thought people should be able to say whatever they want to say. Teach what they want to teach. Anything else is orwellian, no matter what my personal feelings are. I guess I just had good teachers in school that actually taught us to think about things. We didn't like big brother back when I was in school. Im not sure what is going on these days but people are becoming afraid of their own shadows.

Haha, the first thing I used to tell people on site when i supervised was 'Don't do what I tell you to do... without thinking about it first.' Confused the crap out of some people, but hey. The best supervisor I ever had never told me what to do, he trusted my training and intelligence to let me come to the answer myself, and only got involved when I reached the limit of my experience.