justanotherstar
Life: you can’t fire me, I quit.
- Nov 23, 2020
- 345
I'm taking a risk in posting this but if I can't post it here... where can I post it. Does anyone else feel like they've lost control of their thoughts about CTB? Stay with me whilst I explain:
Like I'm not here to CTB impulsively (or at least it doesn't feel that way). Much suffering has led up to this point including complex mental health problems since childhood, failed therapy, medication, hospital interventions, bereavement having lost my partner of 12 years, miscarrying our son, losing my nan and as a result of this suffering a breakdown and losing my job/career, now NEET and living in supported accommodation because I can't look after myself without support, needing care from family and friends because i self neglect, several chronic health problems which cause pain and disability, fertility problems so I can't have kids (ouch! But also I'm so fucked up that's probably a good thing but wow what a disappointment I am to my parents), I digress... the general state of the world, it's scary why would I want to bring an innocent child into this terrible world we live in. You get the picture.
So I'm not here on a whim, I was suicidal as a teenager, my peers took bets that I wouldn't make it to my 15th birthday, I'm 32 now ha fuck them. I've had several attempts to CTB so when these thoughts roll round they are far from new, I've already got a rationale to CTB, I've already thought about methods though my opinion on how I'm going to do it can change depending on my frame of mind and how desperate I'm feeling. Im much less prone to the impulsive attempt these days in favour of the end game, if I'm going to die what's a few more days/ weeks to make sure it's what I want, planned and executed without failing.
But here's the thing, right now I want to CTB, i can't quite remember how it came about this time, apart from the fact that I have chronic insomnia so haven't slept more than 90minutes a night since I came off Prozac in April, I think that type of sleep deprivation is enough to send anyone over the edge, it's resistant to meds and the longer it goes on the more i can't tolerate being alive, it's excruciating having to live 22/23 hours a day when your depressed and don't want to be alive, it's torture. So I started having thoughts about overdosing on various drugs not to CTB but to get some respite, knock myself out for a few days but if I accidentally died I wouldn't mind and this very quickly turned into actually no when I think about it really I want to CTB, why settle when it would bring so much more relief if I could just check out and from then on it's just grown, it became intrusive I couldn't get the idea out of my head. Nothing out of the ordinary so far but for the past few weeks I've started to worry about people planting thoughts in my head and being able to steal my thoughts too. I haven't been able to make eye contact with my mental health team which they've pulled me up on and keep asking me why I won't look at them and I darent explain that it's because i believe if they look at me they'll be able to read my thoughts and then they will know I'm lying to them about having a plan to CTB. And this whole time I have been bothered by hearing people say 'you can't trust them' 'it's a trap' 'they don't think you're going to do it' and now they are goading me to do it which frankly I don't need any encouragement because I want to die anyway. But now I'm confused, as time passes, I'm certain in my plan but not in why doing it, like is it my own thought to CTB that I'm acting on or because I'm being told to do it or having thoughts put in my head. How do I know the difference, does it even matter anymore. I'm so confused. Sometimes it all feels so simple and I have such clarity but I feel like I'm starting to lose grip.
Thank you if you've made it this far
Like I'm not here to CTB impulsively (or at least it doesn't feel that way). Much suffering has led up to this point including complex mental health problems since childhood, failed therapy, medication, hospital interventions, bereavement having lost my partner of 12 years, miscarrying our son, losing my nan and as a result of this suffering a breakdown and losing my job/career, now NEET and living in supported accommodation because I can't look after myself without support, needing care from family and friends because i self neglect, several chronic health problems which cause pain and disability, fertility problems so I can't have kids (ouch! But also I'm so fucked up that's probably a good thing but wow what a disappointment I am to my parents), I digress... the general state of the world, it's scary why would I want to bring an innocent child into this terrible world we live in. You get the picture.
So I'm not here on a whim, I was suicidal as a teenager, my peers took bets that I wouldn't make it to my 15th birthday, I'm 32 now ha fuck them. I've had several attempts to CTB so when these thoughts roll round they are far from new, I've already got a rationale to CTB, I've already thought about methods though my opinion on how I'm going to do it can change depending on my frame of mind and how desperate I'm feeling. Im much less prone to the impulsive attempt these days in favour of the end game, if I'm going to die what's a few more days/ weeks to make sure it's what I want, planned and executed without failing.
But here's the thing, right now I want to CTB, i can't quite remember how it came about this time, apart from the fact that I have chronic insomnia so haven't slept more than 90minutes a night since I came off Prozac in April, I think that type of sleep deprivation is enough to send anyone over the edge, it's resistant to meds and the longer it goes on the more i can't tolerate being alive, it's excruciating having to live 22/23 hours a day when your depressed and don't want to be alive, it's torture. So I started having thoughts about overdosing on various drugs not to CTB but to get some respite, knock myself out for a few days but if I accidentally died I wouldn't mind and this very quickly turned into actually no when I think about it really I want to CTB, why settle when it would bring so much more relief if I could just check out and from then on it's just grown, it became intrusive I couldn't get the idea out of my head. Nothing out of the ordinary so far but for the past few weeks I've started to worry about people planting thoughts in my head and being able to steal my thoughts too. I haven't been able to make eye contact with my mental health team which they've pulled me up on and keep asking me why I won't look at them and I darent explain that it's because i believe if they look at me they'll be able to read my thoughts and then they will know I'm lying to them about having a plan to CTB. And this whole time I have been bothered by hearing people say 'you can't trust them' 'it's a trap' 'they don't think you're going to do it' and now they are goading me to do it which frankly I don't need any encouragement because I want to die anyway. But now I'm confused, as time passes, I'm certain in my plan but not in why doing it, like is it my own thought to CTB that I'm acting on or because I'm being told to do it or having thoughts put in my head. How do I know the difference, does it even matter anymore. I'm so confused. Sometimes it all feels so simple and I have such clarity but I feel like I'm starting to lose grip.
Thank you if you've made it this far
