Bonjour
My life ended 23 years ago. I've been a shell of a person ever since, and it was all thanks to some silly little question a teenage friend asked me. But that question was like a seed that took root in my brain and has sprouted into abject misery.
I have crippling anxiety, and to make a long story short, comes from something akin to agoraphobia. It has completely taken over my life to the point that I can't even do anything about it any more. Even thinking about trying to get out and find help makes my heart constrict like I'm about to die.
Thankfully I've been poking along the last few years with a new job from home that was never my dream job but at this point I'm never going to be able to get another one. I can't sit through interviews anymore without panic setting in, even the Zoom ones.
For one brief moment in 2019 I had a combination of drugs that were working for me and felt like I was on the mend, just to have COVID come along and smash that all down. And then my doctor quit 6 months ago and the pills dried up. Can't get new pills unless you can go physically see the doctor, can't get a doctor to come see you if you're house bound because that's against infection protocol. Kind of in a damned if I do, damned if a don't situation.
And quite frankly even if I could overcome that there's always something just over the next hill ready to knock the wind out of my sails. The only thing that's saved me in the past is the support network I had. I always figured I'd go shortly after them because I can't function in this world; I can't get out to rent a place for myself, or get my car fixed, or have a dentist look at my teeth, just nothing. All I do is sit here trapped all day in a prison of my own mind while watching that support network dwindle and die off itself.
I haven't really come to the decision to CTB because I want to, but because I think at this point I need to.
Still trying to figure out what method works best for someone who has to rely on shipped parcels for nearly everything.
Figured I'd say hi in the meantime since I'll probably be lurking around researching.
My life ended 23 years ago. I've been a shell of a person ever since, and it was all thanks to some silly little question a teenage friend asked me. But that question was like a seed that took root in my brain and has sprouted into abject misery.
I have crippling anxiety, and to make a long story short, comes from something akin to agoraphobia. It has completely taken over my life to the point that I can't even do anything about it any more. Even thinking about trying to get out and find help makes my heart constrict like I'm about to die.
Thankfully I've been poking along the last few years with a new job from home that was never my dream job but at this point I'm never going to be able to get another one. I can't sit through interviews anymore without panic setting in, even the Zoom ones.
For one brief moment in 2019 I had a combination of drugs that were working for me and felt like I was on the mend, just to have COVID come along and smash that all down. And then my doctor quit 6 months ago and the pills dried up. Can't get new pills unless you can go physically see the doctor, can't get a doctor to come see you if you're house bound because that's against infection protocol. Kind of in a damned if I do, damned if a don't situation.
And quite frankly even if I could overcome that there's always something just over the next hill ready to knock the wind out of my sails. The only thing that's saved me in the past is the support network I had. I always figured I'd go shortly after them because I can't function in this world; I can't get out to rent a place for myself, or get my car fixed, or have a dentist look at my teeth, just nothing. All I do is sit here trapped all day in a prison of my own mind while watching that support network dwindle and die off itself.
I haven't really come to the decision to CTB because I want to, but because I think at this point I need to.
Still trying to figure out what method works best for someone who has to rely on shipped parcels for nearly everything.
Figured I'd say hi in the meantime since I'll probably be lurking around researching.
