Looking for any advice or opinion on my situation. Strongly considering CTB soon.

[Iloveher]

Hello , I am 40 male. Most of my life has been a disappointment. Havent achieved much in life really and it feels like life passed me by. However, I have made my peace with this , I embraced nihilism years ago. I have considered CTB for many years, had a few attempts that ended up with me puking out pills or chickening out in the last moment. Anyway, my family's cats (we've had many) have become my only comfort in this dull yet full of suffering world. But even they leave me one by one due to old age or illness which has made me want to wait until the last one leaves me and then end it all.
Anyway this has been my story until a few months ago.

This is when I met HER.
Her , I dont know why the universe put her in my path , until her I knew how it will all play out and I was at peace with it Her, this girl at work , most beautiful girl ive ever seen , most perfect girl from every angle I look at her ,polite , sweet , hard working, etc. I fell in love with her about 2 weeks after I met her. She managed to change my perspective about the world , about life , about everything , just by existing. It feels like I was dead and I got an adrenaline injection in the heart that woke me up to life again. Just imagining being with her brings me so much happiness I cannot express in words , I never even imagined that one can be so happy, I never imagined one can feel like this. She really changed my perspective of life , she made me want to live, want to experience life , even grow old and live life a normie (something I never thought Id ever desire). She did all of this by just existing and being around me at work.
Now the problem. This is not a happy story unfortunatelly.

She is 20 yo , I am 40 yo. (I understand if some will judge , I respect everyone's opinion) Despite the huge age difference (she may not be aware as I really look young , I am also fit Im a gym addict) , she seems to have some interest in me , I caught her looking at me a few times , sometimes when I pass her by she smiles at me , also called me cute once when I helped her with some stuff. I am not saying she wants me but theres def. some interest even if small.
The problem is shes veeeeery beautiful . Almost every guy at work approaches her and gives her attention and she seems to enjoy attention a lot. Which has made me suffer a lot to the point that I was once so hurt because she talked to a guy for about 3 hours that I decided to ignore her and stay away from her , I didnt even want to say hello to her anymore which made her say hello to me 3 times in the same day after I ignored her twice , that has made talk to her again and made me more confident that theres a least a little bit interest on her part. Problem is this isnt enough. I am very convinced I dont have a shot with her despite any interes on her part. Shes too beautiful and popular why would she want me out of all her options ?

I really cant deal with a broken heart , if I ever see her in a relationship with someone I wont be able to cope with it , I was dead and this girl brought me back to life , she made me dream of a life I never dreamed of before. If I cant have that life I dont really want any life, and its very unlikely that I will have her.

I bought rope and I found a tree , I dont know when to do it and I am scared I will chicken out but hopefully I wont.

I welcome any opinion and advice. I want to know what you people would do if you were in my situation. I have nobody to talk to about this but you people so any opinion is appreciated.
Sorry about my English I am from eastern europe.

 

[Unspoken7612]

So let me get this straight. You want to kill yourself. The only thing that makes you not want to kill yourself is this woman. You're scared to ask her out because if she says no then you'll want to kill yourself.

It sounds like you have nothing to lose. Ask her out. There is never any chance of love without the risk of heartbreak.

 

[Iloveher]

So let me get this straight. You want to kill yourself. The only thing that makes you not want to kill yourself is this woman. You're scared to ask her out because if she says no then you'll want to kill yourself.

It sounds like you have nothing to lose. Ask her out. There is never any chance of love without the risk of heartbreak.

thank you for answering.
I know heartbreak as I have experienced it before but this situation is different.
Before meeting this girl I was at peace with living alone and eventually offing myself before I get too old.
She change my whole mindset and perception of life, she made me want to live and want to experience love and life. I cant get over her like some random crush I just had. I was miserable, depressed and lonely before I met her, I cant even imagine how lonely and miserable Id feel when I would fully realize I cant have her. I wont be able to cope with waking up everyday.

 

[Unspoken7612]

I see. Well, it still seems you don't have much choice. If you don't chance your arm then someone else will, and you'll still feel miserable when you see her with someone else.

And of course, now you have felt this way, you know you can feel this way. There are other people who could make you feel the same way.

 

[Iloveher]

I see. Well, it still seems you don't have much choice. If you don't chance your arm then someone else will, and you'll still feel miserable when you see her with someone else.

And of course, now you have felt this way, you know you can feel this way. There are other people who could make you feel the same way.

Thanks for the advice. As for feeling like this again, I am 40 yo , I met many females in my lifetime and never felt like this so I doubt that

 

[noairtobreathe1]

I'm gonna have to be blunt here. You're just an older male colleague to her. She probably doesn't think about you at all. This obsession you have with her is unhealthy.

You can follow advice above and ask her out, like they said, it's worth a shot. But honestly? Expect rejection. I don't say this to push you further towards CTB, I am not trying to do that. Logically, she's probably just trying to be a good colleague to you. You icing her out probably just confused her and made her wonder what she did wrong professionally.

I don't think it's wise to predicate your ctb just based off a woman at work. From your post, sounds like you hardly interact with her beyond simple pleasantries. For instance if she quit, in six months would you still be thinking about her?

I understand though that sometimes we all need a singular reason to just keep on living though and fantasize over to keep us here. Not judging that.

Think about the consequences of asking her out. The rejection itself could hurt, but you might also make your workplace unbearable if she tells other colleagues and dismisses you.

 

[Iloveher]

I'm gonna have to be blunt here. You're just an older male colleague to her. She probably doesn't think about you at all. This obsession you have with her is unhealthy.

You can follow advice above and ask her out, like they said, it's worth a shot. But honestly? Expect rejection. I don't say this to push you further towards CTB, I am not trying to do that. Logically, she's probably just trying to be a good colleague to you. You icing her out probably just confused her and made her wonder what she did wrong professionally.

I don't think it's wise to predicate your ctb just based off a woman at work. From your post, sounds like you hardly interact with her beyond simple pleasantries. For instance if she quit, in six months would you still be thinking about her?

I understand though that sometimes we all need a singular reason to just keep on living though and fantasize over to keep us here. Not judging that.

Think about the consequences of asking her out. The rejection itself could hurt, but you might also make your workplace unbearable if she tells other colleagues and dismisses you.

Thank you for your opinion.
Thing is we have a lot of collegues and we could ignore each other if we choose to and it would not affect our work.
I think she has an interest in me because I caught her staring at me more than once , in fact once she was with a friend of hers talking and I was behind them and was looking in another direction , she stared at me a couple of times and her friend noticed it and he stared at me as well. I think her friend likes her and he looked at me in a jealous way.
But I do expect rejection this is why I didnt ask her out or anything, even though once when I talked to her she told me shes said because her friends and her have different schedules and dont get to go out a lot, and that shed like to go out more. At the time I didnt make a deal out of what she said but then I thought if she wasnt trying to get me to ask her out

 

[SickNSad2024]

I was in a similar situation...I am the older person in my 40s and this person in the 20s approached me. I told this person I don't mix work with my personal life and second of all I am way too old and I would rather that this person be in a relationship their own age with things in common and things they can relate to...this person claims that they have dated enough people and that I was different, that I was someone special and meant a lot to have in their life...and that while they agreed they also doesn't mix work with personal life, what if you were to match with one person in your life and that one person is the one person from work, wouldn't you chance it? I didn't want to because it is frowned upon to have personal relationships in the workplace; if we wanted to try it out, one of us would have to quit or get fired. They said no one is going to care but if it did come down to getting fired, this person would take the risk...we are also in different departments so we don't work directly together...I rejected this person at least 10 times but this person was very persistent and eventually we met for lunch a few times on the weekend outside of work, and it turned out a coworker saw us and reported it to our supervisor. Suddenly, this person denied ever having an interest in me and blamed the whole thing on me claiming I was the one pursuing them! They then blamed me for nearly putting their position at risk. I couldn't believe they lied and it made me want to kill myself because I was perfectly fine being alone. I had never considered a relationship and that person was the one who put the thought in my head and convinced me to try it, that it wouldn't hurt and if it didn't work out then it didn't work out. They were the one in the middle of a breakup...and I guess I was just the re-bound. And less than a month after we were found out, this person has already moved on to another relationship, while I am alone stuck in unspeakable pain and not understanding how that person could have lied and I fell for it and was used. Worst of all, we had agreed we would not tell anyone about the relationship, but this person ended up telling everyone. A mutual friend brought it up to me and asked how I could have fallen into that trap. I said how could I not, this person claimed they had feelings for me and that we were a perfect match. This mutual friend said while they are letting me believe I was in a relationship with them, they actually have a bunch of others they are seeing...and that it's easy for them to quickly be in a new relationship after me because I was nothing more than "fresh meat" but now I'm just expired milk. This person led me to think I could have a life with someone I never considered before...then they shattered that hope and dream.

I would hate for you to fall into a similar situation...if I could go back in time, I would have turned this person down. I wish it could have gone back to the way it was, instead of feeling betrayed and now both of us have bad marks on our performance evaluations.

Not sure if my experience helps you make a decision but it might help you think about things you might not have considered.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

You are in the losing end of this romantic interest. While you pine away for this singular person, she enjoys fielding interest from a variety of potential suiters. While a few drops of attention from her stirs the depths of your soul, she's in an ocean of attention and it doesn't mean any significant thing for her to size you up with some looks. Your drought for romantic interest is an alien concept to her and at some point she will pick up on that and not feel special but instead feel pressured to meet some sort of expectation and recoil.
This being a work environment, it's a potential rumor mill where you can quickly become known as the office creep. If she's so fantastic she probably has a boyfriend or at least one or more fwbs. Are you ready to deal with that and be burdened by imagining her with other men? I don't mean to be a debbie downer but objectively this situation has the potential to absolutely crush you and being that you're already on this site, perhaps it's not a good idea to pursue her.