Living for someone else (rant)

[other-ghost]

I don't know. The only thing keeping me from CTB-ing sooner is that I'm trying ao HARD. every single DAY not to get my SN and just end it. But lately, I've realized something: all my reasons for staying are for other people.

I've kept a "why you shouldn't CTB" list in my notes, updating it daily for nearly seven months. But when I reread it now, it's PAINFULLY clear every entry revolves around others. "So mom won't spiral into depression," "My gf would be shattered," "my friends grades would suffer if they grieve me." None of it is for myself. And outside of these? I have nothing. No personal anchor. I've hated myself for a decade, and CTB feels like the only escape (and mind you i tried for all that years too!) Even my survival instinct isn't my own; it's borrowed from people i'm terrified of hurting. It's agonizing. Living feels like torture, yet guilt chains me here.

Realizing this? It's a trap. Part of me wants to rethink everything, but mostly it just fuels my self-loathing. I hate myself MORE realizing this. I'm stuck between believing i'm soooo selfish for wanting CTB and resenting how my entire existence hinges on others' pain. Even in death, I can't stop prioritizing them.

Anyone please PLEASE tell me, how do you reconcile with this? I'm so tired of this.

 

[LittleMagician]

I don't know. The only thing keeping me from CTB-ing sooner is that I'm trying ao HARD. every single DAY not to get my SN and just end it. But lately, I've realized something: all my reasons for staying are for other people.

I've kept a "why you shouldn't CTB" list in my notes, updating it daily for nearly seven months. But when I reread it now, it's PAINFULLY clear every entry revolves around others. "So mom won't spiral into depression," "My gf would be shattered," "my friends grades would suffer if they grieve me." None of it is for myself. And outside of these? I have nothing. No personal anchor. I've hated myself for a decade, and CTB feels like the only escape (and mind you i tried for all that years too!) Even my survival instinct isn't my own; it's borrowed from people i'm terrified of hurting. It's agonizing. Living feels like torture, yet guilt chains me here.

Realizing this? It's a trap. Part of me wants to rethink everything, but mostly it just fuels my self-loathing. I hate myself MORE realizing this. I'm stuck between believing i'm soooo selfish for wanting CTB and resenting how my entire existence hinges on others' pain. Even in death, I can't stop prioritizing them.

Anyone please PLEASE tell me, how do you reconcile with this? I'm so tired of this.

There is no way to reconcile with this because your death is almost guaranteed to traumatise and mentally ruin at least one person.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi.

how do you reconcile with this?

You can't.
Sorry.

What you describe I've felt exactly and seen other people here express it too. But you worded it beautifully.

Those concerns you have about how it would impact others are real, and you know they are real. There is sadly no loophole around that, and you probably guess that too.
So it feels like a prison. Like you say, guilt chains, and a slow asphyxiation. It's not living, it's enforced survival. You either reach a point you are so numb you can't feel empathy, or you are stuck there until they all die around you. Existential torture pretty much. I've been there (am) and I feel you deeply.

Other people have kept me alive thus far. Specially some days when it hits the hardest. That guilt and shame at your inability to live on your own, without the need of that emotional blackmail barrier of your death, are draining.
It helps a little to remember that the guilt is born out of the love you have for those around you. It is a force that does not exist on its own, it's the brain reaction or pushback to you empathy and care. It's a good meter for that. The bigger the pain, the stronger that love. Knowing that may not solve it, maybe make it a lil easier some days, but It can help you cherish those around you while you can even more. I know it helped me like that.

Other than that It is very hard to endure in that state of existence. Depression and suicidality can make you not enjoy or aspire to Anything surprisingly easily. It leaves you empty, and only this anchor. Rethinking is harder then, usually good to do, but I can't blame you or anyone for not finding reasons or joys in that state.
If there are things you used to enjoy a lot, or wished you could but find yourself unable to, to want to fight for gaining back that ability can be a good first goal, harder obviously, but it can kickstart getting out of there. Try thinking it that way if you want.

Sorry If I rambled but this topic is important to me. I hope it can get a little easier for you some days. Vent here whenever you feel like. Lots of love <333