From 12 july 2020 to this day:
If I could get one wish in this world, I wouldn't truly wish for wealth, beauty, intelligence…etc, I
would simply wish for religions to disappear out of this planet for good, it's literally making a lot of
us miserable (my heart goes to afghani women). and I know it's kind of hypocritical of me to
consistently look/ask for my freedom while simultaneously wanting to take people's beliefs away from them but I'm genuinely tired.
A while back, my family found out about my apostasy, and let me tell you it wasn't pleasant at all; I
literally had to put up with hearing my mom cry for three consecutive days and ignore my existence
for a week, my sister stopped being that close to me for a good portion of that summer because my parents were afraid I would influence her beliefs, my dad was so angry, I literally thought he was
gonna kill me (I wish he did though, it would've been much better than enduring this endless pain) .I tried to debate them but it was beyond pointless; my dad kept saying that we don't know all the
answers to this world's mysteries and we have to accept that. Here's the thing that I noticed about
muslims, they so fucking afraid, it's literally rotting their brains out. When my parents found out
about me leaving islam, dad got covid19, and let me tell you, fear was so apparent in his eyes, he
was afraid of death, one night he told me, "pls revert to islam, you see how death is taking everyone nowadays".
Anyways, after I brought up some contradicting, absurd and illogical verses/hadiths/fatwas in islam,
they said they can't answer my questions and only a specialist can, so they brought an imam (islamic preacher), I'm not
gonna lie to you, he was a good person, kinda judgmental though (he didn't really need to declare it
but I saw it in his eyes), he asked me when was the last time I prayed, I said 2019, he "ALLAH AKBAR" (I left islam in 2020, but throughout my entire lifetime as a muslim, I wasn't the most devoted one tbh, I think I might have adhd which prevented me from doing something as repetitive and boring as praying). He kept reusing the same arguments made by muslims online, "just look around you, allah
is wonderful, even Einstein said this world couldn't create itself, and there must be a creator(lie). Since we are taught as women to never truly speak our mind, I kept most of my thoughts to myself and just pretended that I agreed with him because debating him was pointless (he truly didn't listen to what I had to say because he went into the debate thinking he's 100000% right and I'm the one
who's lost track of everything). I "reverted" back simply because he kept guilt-tripping me into
thinking that everyone is so worried about me, and that I'm doing something bad (he said that my brothers can't sleep at night because of the possibility that their sister might burn in hell). I lost
practically all my friends, and some of them just tolerated my existence for a while, I had to put up
with the fact that some muslims hid their belonging in fear that I might steal them because us
atheists have no moral compass, "what stops you from lying? Cheating? stealing? Raping? Killing?" I got constantly asked and my answer was never enough. I got slut-shamed, gaslighted, told I was crazy, told I had been brainwashed by the west, out-casted, demonized, told I was worse than rapists and pedophiles, told I was trans, a satanist, a lesbian, or whatever label they choose to give you that doesn't fit you. They told me the reason behind my depression was because I am faithless,
they invalidated my suicidal thoughts after I finally spoke up about how I truly feel about my life. The following months were a waking nightmare for me because I had to pretend I was a muslim for the sake of my parents' happiness, which made me feel like a double faced lying bitch, I felt so guilty
every waking minute of every day for months (still do), I deactivated some of my social media
accounts because debating muslims online was emotionally draining, and besides it just made me feel like shit because muslims are professional gaslighters (islam is perfect, culture is not). I chose a
college major that I'm not quite passionate about(or in another word, I dont see it as a future career path) because it made my parents happier, but no
matter what I've done, it wasn't enough, I was still a bad person, a bad daughter, and a bad friend, a
bad sister and overall, a bad human being. I was the black sheep of the family (and let me tell you, my family is far from good) because I rejected an ideology that dehumanized the fuck outta my
gender. 2020 and 2021 were beyond awful and I can't even describe the loneliness, despair, disgust, fear, shame and guilt I felt for months, I would stay in bed for literally days and weeks without eating because I felt like I don't deserve to eat, I googled every suicide method on this planet but I just couldn't find a painless way to go, and the aftermath was too intense for me to handle, and just the thought that my family had to deal with it, made me endure the pain for their sake (even after you
commit suicide, society wouldn't give you peace, they would make bullshit assumptions, let alone
the fucking guilt my parents would feel because they would be certain that their daughter is getting
tormented in hell for some odd reason. Ik that my mom would spend the remainder of her life
praying so that her merciful god would forgive her daughter for killing herself). You know what's
worse? It's the fact that you can't even talk about these kinds of things in Algeria because suicide is a taboo, "pray them suicidal thoughts away, ey!" "go back to god 'cause no woman of god thinks about killing herself" "god is punishing you for rejecting him" "oh you think about killing yourself? this can't be me! I have never thought about killing myself and I can't imagine I would in a million years" (that's what I was told one time by a family relative) and the list goes on of the insensitive shit muslims spit on a daily basis about topics they know nothing about. My first year in university wasn't the best because I was exhausted for most of it, I felt like I didn't fit in, since all of my graduating class was passionate about that major, but I wasn't. I attended 0 lectures, paid multiple doctors to make me a certificate just so that I wouldn't have to attend those mandatory college courses, I went to all the exams without even knowing shit about the given material we were studying, some of my
classmates said "she's lying about no studying because no med student is apathetic towards their studies", but the truth is
I truly didn't give a shit about school at that point, I simply wanted to die in my sleep just so that I don't have to put up with the circus that is my life. I lost hope, and once you lose hope, you have no will to do anything. I don't care about school anymore because I know I won't stay here for too long
(not to sound emo or anything). Got 6.61/20 as a general grade in the first semester and just the
thought of compensating that in the second semester made me helpless.
"What sI she doing in herthe dorm room if sheis not studying'' that's what I heard some bitch say about me (fuck them people who know nothing but love to jump to conclusions). the truth is that I wanted to be left alone, I loved staying in bed for a week without anyone checking in on me every hour and I loved the fact that I can just cry without having to explain myself, I loved the fact that I can starve in peace without anyone forcing me to eat, I loved the fact that I can go days without water because these things made me somehow feel like I'm in control of my life. Yk when things go bad in life, my brain would immediately tell me to go VSED mode, hoping that I could die.
The thing is, I'm not a nihilist, nor do I think life is pointless or depressing. Life is wonderful, it's an experience, YOUR EXPERIENCE, it's a whole journey of discovering yourself and your surroundings,
discovering your passions, likes, dislikes, favourite items, food, movies, you name it. A journey where you create memories, fall in love, sympathize with others, help those around you who are vulnerable, be vulnerable, accept diversity, create things and share your story with the world. Life is about being kind, loving, sharing, laughing, crying and embracing every thing that makes up humanity. LIFE IS SO WONDERFUL outside of this shithole. Life is so magical outside of this garbage bin. The depressing truth is that in every Islamic country, life centres around death and life after death and this life is nothing more than a pointless exam made by a narcissistic sky daddy who's constantly seeking people's validations and attention.
In order to cope with my unsatisfying life, I developed the unhealthiest coping mechanisms;
escapism (can't remember the last time I lived my life without blocking out unpleasant emotions and spending countless hours in an alternate reality that offered some dopamine), countless starve—
binge-eating cycles, self-harm, over-sleeping, cutting everyone out occasionally…etc
As a woman, you can't live in a country like Algeria, it's beyond awful, it's dehumanizing for us
women. We have to put up through it all. We can't wear mini skirts or shorts (even if it's 90 degrees out there) because muslim men can't control themselves
and you're practically asking to be sexually assaulted, you can't walk alone without getting bothered
by every freak in the nation (who's enabled by society and most importantly religion because you're a walking temptation) , you can't make your own choices, everyone seems to know about your body/life/brain more than you do. you can't lick icecream in public for god's sake, you can't laugh
out loud because you'll get judged, you can't wear a v-neck shirt because everyone will stare at your boobs. you can't buy your own apartment, you can't even sleep with your boyfriend because this
nation has some disturbing thoughts surrounding sex, you can't kiss your boyfriend in public because kissing and pda is indecent in this emotionally disturbed country (but hitting your kid is okay), you can't exist without getting sexualized, can you? Your entire value as a human being is reduced to your ability to give birth, stay pure (wtf is that? fuck the concept of virginity and purity culture that demonizes sex and intimate relationships), cook, clean, serve your hubby. IT'S EXHAUSTING and I'm
TIRED. And above all of this shit that we have to go through, we're the villains! We get villainized, we
are bad girls who can't seem to know their place, we get raped and told we asked for it, we get told
to shut up, we get told to dress appropriately, we get told to just obey and be submissive because
those are god's orders, and who are you to question them. They say he created women for men but
not the other way around. FUCK THIS SHIT IAM OUT
I wish I can get out of Algeria right now instead of wasting my beautiful youth in this hellhole. Once I do, I have to put my shattered pieces back together using therapy, medications and a radical
lifestyle change . Algeria isn't a place that gives you mental stability because mental health is a joke in here
