Venting life update: recovering? not sure

[etherealspring]

For context: I'm based in the UK. I've recently dropped out of uni, and since then I've been receiving mental health support from a local mental health crisis service. Shortly after I was first seeing them, I've started taking sertraline again and I'm currently on 100mg. They've also prescribed me zopiclone but I'm having mixed feelings about it lol. And I have done an autism and ADHD screening with them, and they will refer me for an assessment via the NHS (tho I am thinking of asking them about the right to choose pathway).

They visit me at my home, which is nice because I tend to have a hard time getting out the house.

I have been able to get a job at a warehouse and start volunteering at a charity shop since I dropped out. And both are honestly far more easy and enjoyable than school / uni has ever been for me.

But god do I still feel like shit overall. I understand that recovery takes time, but it's just so frustrating. Especially because I've only been confident enough to get help now since I've moved out from my parents' home (they are not very emotionally understanding people). Not to mention that the sertraline is doing shit all but I've still gotta wait for weeks before I'm allowed to request a higher dose.

Thankfully the crisis team haven't taken away my rope, though they do ask me if I'm okay with handing it to them after every session... to which I always say no lol.

I'm grateful for the support I've been receiving, but it's overall very slow. And I get advised to do stuff like mindfulness which quite frankly isn't even the slightest bit helpful. They were trying to teach me coping skills, which I already use... and they were giving tips on emotional regulation even though my emotions for the most part are completely flat. One of the nurses did actually listen to me (god forbid), but I still have to be put on a stabilisation plan which seems to involve most of the same things.

Essentially, the reason why I have to be put on this plan is because there aren't any counselling / therapy services in my area that will take actively suicidal people (apart from one who I'm still waiting to hear from). Great. Real hopeful, isn't it?

I don't mean to sound overly negative. I understand that a little bit goes a long way. But in some ways, it does feel like I've been slapped in the face just because I asked for help.

So yeah anyways, sorry for the long rant but I felt the need to share because I haven't been on this site for a while bc I've been hella busy and haven't had many moments alone. I have told one friend about my account on here, no one else knows about it, though I have told all the relevant people in my life that I'm suicidal. This is gonna be a hell of a long ride but I'm putting up with it bc my SI is too strong to hang myself lol.

Whoever is reading this, I hope ur at least having a somewhat decent day. Best wishes, sending love and peace

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Being a university dropout isn't a death sentence! I'm a university dropout myself and I made it very well for over 20 years. I assume I'm more than double your age. Not everyone is made to be a genius to succeed at uni. Do you actually know/have a diagnosis of what is causing you MH issues? If your life circumstances and modern day stress is the reason then meds won't solve the issue at all. I'm not familiar with the UK, the NHS and "crisis teams" but I believe unless triggers for MH issues are eliminated meds won't solve the problems unless the stress-triggers are eliminated.

 

[SVEN]

You've done remarkably well thus far, so please don't be too hard on yourself. Having been there I totally get how frustratingly slow any progress seems and I truly admire and respect your daily struggle.
Every good wish for your success in this ongoing struggle.

 

[etherealspring]

I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety so ig that's the main reason, also I have low self esteem which doesnt help lol. I haven't figured out my triggers for my issues yet tbh, but thats something I'm working on and trying to figure out. Thanks a lot for ur kindness and support :)

Being a university dropout isn't a death sentence! I'm a university dropout myself and I made it very well for over 20 years. I assume I'm more than double your age. Not everyone is made to be a genius to succeed at uni. Do you actually know/have a diagnosis of what is causing you MH issues? If your life circumstances and modern day stress is the reason then meds won't solve the issue at all. I'm not familiar with the UK, the NHS and "crisis teams" but I believe unless triggers for MH issues are eliminated meds won't solve the problems unless the stress-triggers are eliminated.

You've done remarkably well thus far, so please don't be too hard on yourself. Having been there I totally get how frustratingly slow any progress seems and I truly admire and respect your daily struggle.
Every good wish for your success in this ongoing struggle.

thanks a lot ill get there one day i dont want to feel like shit forever

 

[Ozzyno]

For context: I'm based in the UK. I've recently dropped out of uni, and since then I've been receiving mental health support from a local mental health crisis service. Shortly after I was first seeing them, I've started taking sertraline again and I'm currently on 100mg. They've also prescribed me zopiclone but I'm having mixed feelings about it lol. And I have done an autism and ADHD screening with them, and they will refer me for an assessment via the NHS (tho I am thinking of asking them about the right to choose pathway).

They visit me at my home, which is nice because I tend to have a hard time getting out the house.

I have been able to get a job at a warehouse and start volunteering at a charity shop since I dropped out. And both are honestly far more easy and enjoyable than school / uni has ever been for me.

But god do I still feel like shit overall. I understand that recovery takes time, but it's just so frustrating. Especially because I've only been confident enough to get help now since I've moved out from my parents' home (they are not very emotionally understanding people). Not to mention that the sertraline is doing shit all but I've still gotta wait for weeks before I'm allowed to request a higher dose.

Thankfully the crisis team haven't taken away my rope, though they do ask me if I'm okay with handing it to them after every session... to which I always say no lol.

I'm grateful for the support I've been receiving, but it's overall very slow. And I get advised to do stuff like mindfulness which quite frankly isn't even the slightest bit helpful. They were trying to teach me coping skills, which I already use... and they were giving tips on emotional regulation even though my emotions for the most part are completely flat. One of the nurses did actually listen to me (god forbid), but I still have to be put on a stabilisation plan which seems to involve most of the same things.

Essentially, the reason why I have to be put on this plan is because there aren't any counselling / therapy services in my area that will take actively suicidal people (apart from one who I'm still waiting to hear from). Great. Real hopeful, isn't it?

I don't mean to sound overly negative. I understand that a little bit goes a long way. But in some ways, it does feel like I've been slapped in the face just because I asked for help.

So yeah anyways, sorry for the long rant but I felt the need to share because I haven't been on this site for a while bc I've been hella busy and haven't had many moments alone. I have told one friend about my account on here, no one else knows about it, though I have told all the relevant people in my life that I'm suicidal. This is gonna be a hell of a long ride but I'm putting up with it bc my SI is too strong to hang myself lol.

Whoever is reading this, I hope ur at least having a somewhat decent day. Best wishes, sending love and peace

Only my mother knows I am suicidal, I don't know how you had the courage to tell that to friends or people that are not your parents. Do you have long term plans?

 

[etherealspring]

Only my mother knows I am suicidal, I don't know how you had the courage to tell that to friends or people that are not your parents. Do you have long term plans?

i feel more comfortable around my friends + boyfriend than my parents tbh. i found telling my parents way harder

i dont have any long term plans atm bc i already thought id be dead by now :') but then again im only 19 atm and i dont think a lot of ppl my age tend to have solid plans anyway so ill just take my time haha

 

[Ozzyno]

i feel more comfortable around my friends + boyfriend than my parents tbh. i found telling my parents way harder

i dont have any long term plans atm bc i already thought id be dead by now :') but then again im only 19 atm and i dont think a lot of ppl my age tend to have solid plans anyway so ill just take my time haha

Oh you're just 19, yea that makes sense. You still have time to get back into your studies later.

 

[etherealspring]

i feel more comfortable around my friends + boyfriend than my parents tbh. i found telling my parents way harder

i dont have any long term plans atm bc i already thought id be dead by now :') but then again im only 19 atm and i dont think a lot of ppl my age tend to have solid plans anyway so ill just take my time haha

update my boyfriend and i just broke up LOL

 

[uselessflesh]

update my boyfriend and i just broke up LOL

jesus my condolences. i'm sorry if this is causing even more pain for you when you've already had a lot. if you need an outlet, you have people here who will listen

 

[etherealspring]

jesus my condolences. i'm sorry if this is causing even more pain for you when you've already had a lot. if you need an outlet, you have people here who will listen

I am okay, it was a mutual agreement. But thanks a lot for ur kindness, it means a lot ♡