Life is all pain for me and I just want it to end

[0000]

I've had depression for as long as I can remember, I can't about it to anyone since those who don't have it can't possibly imagine what it's like. to my parents depression is not real and if I feel sad then I'm just a spoiled brat. about a year ago I made up my mind to kill myself, before that I would beg god to not wake up every night before I go to sleep, I still do it even though I'm not religious. I tried to kill myself 3 times. the first time I tried hanging myself and as I sat there to collect my nerve I passed out, sadly the closet knob where I tied the rope broke (back then I had no clue I could get brain damage if I failed so I wasn't careful where I tie the rope, I had tested it beforehand and it seemed strong to hold my weight), I woke up with the worst headache in my life, for the first few seconds after waking up I wasn't conscious, all I did was run and scream from the pain, I hit the wall and kept trying to run through it, but when I started getting back consciousness I knew exactly what had happened and all I said was "fuck, I didn't wanna come back", and never had the balls since then to try that again, as for the 2nd and 3rd time I ate rat poison, I knew it would be very painful but it back then it seemed easier to commence than to hang myself, it didn't do shit, just some very sharp pain in the stomach and diarrhea throughout the night. now about 10 months since my last attempt I moved back with my parents after living in another city for school and I'm completely broken, the pain is too much and I just can't take it anymore. I have a strong rope and I'm planning to go outside somewhere with no people and hang myself so I wouldn't be saved and possibly get brain damage. I think hanging myself would be painless since I'll pass out in a few seconds, but I'm scared, I just need some fucking courage. I don't wanna live, life is nothing but pain for me, I feel it all day every day. I should've died back when I hanged myself, I still wish I hadn't woken up from it. if I just had some fucking balls I'd have peace.

 

[unnormal9]

I ate rat poison

Geez, never thought of that. It had to been excruciating. SN is at least not this painful.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it sounds really horrible going through those failed attempts, it's truly such a hellish world we exist in where suicide methods involve risks and where we cannot just exit peacefully without complications. But anyway I hope that you find the freedom you are searching for, to me there could never be any peace to be found here, there is no relief from suffering as long as one is trapped here.

 

[0000]

To me it sounds really horrible going through those failed attempts, it's truly such a hellish world we exist in where suicide methods involve risks and where we cannot just exit peacefully without complications. But anyway I hope that you find the freedom you are searching for, to me there could never be any peace to be found here, there is no relief from suffering as long as one is trapped here.

Absolutely. The fear of the transition is the only obstacle

 

[AlmaDeEscanteio]

I think its gonna be tonight. Im fasting and doing the ae and have the sn.

 

[Dark Moon]

Same for me, I've had failed attempts in the past. Hopefully we find some courage to do it in the future.