Life as a disabled person in a ableist world :(

[here_for_now]

im just living for my brother. It's really hard because everyday i want to ctb. I feel so dead inside. I just am tired of life, im a fucking failure. Im greatful i just landed a job, but it's going to be full time and i want to give it a fair try. I just feel so purposeless, im just living to not make my brother depressed or suicidal, we both are best friends but i wish he would understand why I want to go. If he could just understand and support my decision to ctb life would be so much easier.

I just lost all sense of identity starting age 18 (im 20yr now) but i got partially disabled with lifelong 2 chronic illnesses starting age 18, im only now just able to attempt to work since i got meds to help mitigate chronic pain and im greatful for it, but what purpose do i fucking have?

I have no IRL friends, i try to make friends and connections but i get the feeling that im just a boring loser which makes sense since most of the time i get ghosted or bullied. My whole life i got bullied. Im really trying to give life a second chance but it feels so much overwhelming.

I just worry if i get so miserable that i dont care about my brothers opinion of me staying alive and ill attempt ctb but why is that a bad thing. I get it that my brother loves me and wants me to stay, i really love him too and can understand, but i have no purpose im riddled with permanent partial disability… for now at any point my condition has a very high probability to get very worse over time because that's the nature of progressive degenerative diseases (i have 2 sadly :( so i might lose the chance at a humane ctb and will end up fully disabled and need someone to care for me (abusive family except brother but that's very bad since i dont want them to care for me)

I have no fucking future 80% chance unless i get rich very quick and why do i deserve a lot of money? What did i do that deserves that? I really dont want to ctb my dream was to work in cybersecurity and raise a family, have friends, find my soulmate, buy a house for my mom, retire my mom, buy my dream car

But how can i do that when i have a condition that makes pushing yourself a dangerous thing? (I have CFS and long covid) and CFS makes it so if you reach a level of exertion either emotional, physical or both, at a level you cant measure by the way only guess and hope your pacing correctly, you get a flare up crash (known as PEM crashes) and you permetnly lose ability of previous engery levels and you lose more and more FOREVER.

So while im so greatful that i got this job so im not fucking broke, im so scared that working full time will give me PEM crashes again like it did 2 years ago. I have pain meds that really help the pain but it only masks the pain, the pain is still there, i just dont feel it. But now i fucking worry so so so much, what if i try my absolute best but i keep losing engery and ability to function permmently and im forced to quit my job?

I will then get blamed and shamed by my family for being 'lazy' even though i begged them to believe my disablity, but my mom thinks im drug seeking for opiates. It's so fucking depressing like what am i even fighting for?

Whats the point? My life is so fragile and if i lose complete ability to function and my disability progresses into full disability? Can i really count on my abusive family to 'have my back'? The same family that supported and defended my roommate (exetemly abusive uncle) who 3 times in fucking 8 months choked me for over 30+ seconds the last time he choked me (1 month ago)

I just feel so fucking drained of my life spirit, i feel so ashamed i dont feel like a man at any sense of the word. I feel like a failure, because i have the wrong genetics and luck i get fucked out of my chance to succeed at life.

I will still try but i so fucking scared what will happen.

 

[fadedghost]

im just living for my brother. It's really hard because everyday i want to ctb. I feel so dead inside. I just am tired of life, im a fucking failure. Im greatful i just landed a job, but it's going to be full time and i want to give it a fair try. I just feel so purposeless, im just living to not make my brother depressed or suicidal, we both are best friends but i wish he would understand why I want to go. If he could just understand and support my decision to ctb life would be so much easier.

I just lost all sense of identity starting age 18 (im 20yr now) but i got partially disabled with lifelong 2 chronic illnesses starting age 18, im only now just able to attempt to work since i got meds to help mitigate chronic pain and im greatful for it, but what purpose do i fucking have?

I have no IRL friends, i try to make friends and connections but i get the feeling that im just a boring loser which makes sense since most of the time i get ghosted or bullied. My whole life i got bullied. Im really trying to give life a second chance but it feels so much overwhelming.

I just worry if i get so miserable that i dont care about my brothers opinion of me staying alive and ill attempt ctb but why is that a bad thing. I get it that my brother loves me and wants me to stay, i really love him too and can understand, but i have no purpose im riddled with permanent partial disability… for now at any point my condition has a very high probability to get very worse over time because that's the nature of progressive degenerative diseases (i have 2 sadly :( so i might lose the chance at a humane ctb and will end up fully disabled and need someone to care for me (abusive family except brother but that's very bad since i dont want them to care for me)

I have no fucking future 80% chance unless i get rich very quick and why do i deserve a lot of money? What did i do that deserves that? I really dont want to ctb my dream was to work in cybersecurity and raise a family, have friends, find my soulmate, buy a house for my mom, retire my mom, buy my dream car

But how can i do that when i have a condition that makes pushing yourself a dangerous thing? (I have CFS and long covid) and CFS makes it so if you reach a level of exertion either emotional, physical or both, at a level you cant measure by the way only guess and hope your pacing correctly, you get a flare up crash (known as PEM crashes) and you permetnly lose ability of previous engery levels and you lose more and more FOREVER.

So while im so greatful that i got this job so im not fucking broke, im so scared that working full time will give me PEM crashes again like it did 2 years ago. I have pain meds that really help the pain but it only masks the pain, the pain is still there, i just dont feel it. But now i fucking worry so so so much, what if i try my absolute best but i keep losing engery and ability to function permmently and im forced to quit my job?

I will then get blamed and shamed by my family for being 'lazy' even though i begged them to believe my disablity, but my mom thinks im drug seeking for opiates. It's so fucking depressing like what am i even fighting for?

Whats the point? My life is so fragile and if i lose complete ability to function and my disability progresses into full disability? Can i really count on my abusive family to 'have my back'? The same family that supported and defended my roommate (exetemly abusive uncle) who 3 times in fucking 8 months choked me for over 30+ seconds the last time he choked me (1 month ago)

I just feel so fucking drained of my life spirit, i feel so ashamed i dont feel like a man at any sense of the word. I feel like a failure, because i have the wrong genetics and luck i get fucked out of my chance to succeed at life.

I will still try but i so fucking scared what will happen.

i believe you. i'm sorry, this absolutely sucks. scientists still don't know much about long covid and cfs so there will be more research over time and people will learn more. there may or may not be treatments in the future, but a lot of people are impacted by long covid, so many scientists are probably studying it. i know you aren't lazy.