I set a date in January. That gives the people I care about to reach out. I don't know if I can make it that long. Yesterday was my son's birthday. Today, my daughter sent me an email telling me to stop emailing her. That's it - "stop emailing me". I had requested a suitcase my wife took with her that I used for work (I use to travel quite a bit) and I needed it for traveling to see my mom, brother and sister over Christmas. Wife is spending time with the boyfriend so she had my daughter drop it off today. While we were a "happy" family, my daughter had requested shirts and sweatshirts that I no longer wore. I gladly gave them to her. She returned the suitcase today with all of them inside. Then I received the email.
I wrote out a long email explaining how they were the ones that left and that I didn't do anything to her. I also asked why she was angry. Was it because she was being dramatic and playing the victim (something she loved doing)? I stated that I know what was going on. That I had uncovered a lot more after they left. I knew about her mom's special friend. That her mom's physical attack on me in August was not a suicide attempt (her excuse never made sense), but was her wanting me to throw her out (so she could be the victim). She even suggested it after I took the hammer away from her. I was mad at what was happening and I was hurt. I know that they are struggling now and it hurts me, but there's nothing I can do.
I then deleted all of it and asked her why she was so angry with me, that I still love her, and if she needs anything I will help her.
Yesterday was terrible. I missed spending time with my son on his birthday. I went to see him at work but he was off for the day. Today's activities pushed it to another level. It was all I could do to not to suicide by gun. However, I want to see my mom, sister and brother one more time. I want to prepay for my cremation because I don't think wife will do what is needed to do and my mom is 73 and lives month-to-month. I won't be able to pay for it until the end of the month. I have planned to go January 6. I have a spot picked out at a National Park campground, site 51 (another place I went with my kids). I'm ready. I just hope I can hold on that long. I'm nervous about next weekend because I'll be with mom from Saturday night until Monday midday. She's a therapist and will want to talk about it. I've already told her before that I don't want to talk about it because it just makes me sad. Most times I just to be alone. If I wasn't ctb'ing in January, I would stay home.
I need to make it to January, but I don't know if I can.
I wrote out a long email explaining how they were the ones that left and that I didn't do anything to her. I also asked why she was angry. Was it because she was being dramatic and playing the victim (something she loved doing)? I stated that I know what was going on. That I had uncovered a lot more after they left. I knew about her mom's special friend. That her mom's physical attack on me in August was not a suicide attempt (her excuse never made sense), but was her wanting me to throw her out (so she could be the victim). She even suggested it after I took the hammer away from her. I was mad at what was happening and I was hurt. I know that they are struggling now and it hurts me, but there's nothing I can do.
I then deleted all of it and asked her why she was so angry with me, that I still love her, and if she needs anything I will help her.
Yesterday was terrible. I missed spending time with my son on his birthday. I went to see him at work but he was off for the day. Today's activities pushed it to another level. It was all I could do to not to suicide by gun. However, I want to see my mom, sister and brother one more time. I want to prepay for my cremation because I don't think wife will do what is needed to do and my mom is 73 and lives month-to-month. I won't be able to pay for it until the end of the month. I have planned to go January 6. I have a spot picked out at a National Park campground, site 51 (another place I went with my kids). I'm ready. I just hope I can hold on that long. I'm nervous about next weekend because I'll be with mom from Saturday night until Monday midday. She's a therapist and will want to talk about it. I've already told her before that I don't want to talk about it because it just makes me sad. Most times I just to be alone. If I wasn't ctb'ing in January, I would stay home.
I need to make it to January, but I don't know if I can.
