Venting learning to let go

[nanfranci]

the ties keeping me alive are painful. one of the biggest things i worry about is my partner. i keep thinking about them and worrying and when i talk to them it's sometimes about the future and i have to shovel down the truth every time and it makes me sick after. i plan to ctb to matter what. the fact is that i don't want to be alive and i can't imagine myself in any kind of future. i've had breakdowns upon breakdowns in front of them but i think they can't just accept what i'm going to eventually do. they keep begging and saying they need me here when i know that's just not true, i wont accept it. i love them more then anyone but i just don't have the strength to keep living anymore and they are going to have to accept that sooner or later. i know they'll be fine without me eventually.

the other tie i have already is my mother, although i've mostly let her go. i know it will probably break her beyond repair when i am gone but i can't keep living for her either. it's my life i didn't ask to be here. she's inflicted abuse and trauma on me that in a way, i'll never forget or forgive her for. if she had known what she was doing to me and how she was setting up the stage for me going down this path maybe things would be different. she can't keep me here any longer.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's always a terrible idea being open to other people about wanting to die, but anyway even if suicide makes other people feel sad, still nobody is obligated to continue existing here. We all have to die and lose everything someday, and grief and loss is just an inevitable consequence of life being brought into this world. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Mord.]

I think this something really interesting bescause sometimes people leave your life because "it's the best for them" even if it's going to hurt you under the argument "you'll be fine" , so why it can be the same with this? At the end of the day everyone has to deal with the fact of letting someone go, people leaving our lifes is something that eventually will happen