recently ive felt that the way im thinking is similar to how it was years ago when I first hit a low point in my life. I was ditching school, and was insanely suicidal and all I would do is be miserable. I had gotten taken out of school and put in an evaluation, Im not sure my "official terms", but from a screen I saw with my case on it, it said extreme anxiety, extreme depression, schizophrenia, and my behaviors were listed as high suicidal and moderately homicidal. After this evaluation, I wasnt allowed to get treatment or to be placed in a ward due to restrictions of the pandemic, so I never recieved care under that group. I was later moved to another group by my parents, I dont know my current labels but I know nothing has changed in the past 5 years, but I still dont receive any treatments or medications, I go to therapy once a month and talk about school, since thats all I have time to talk about anyways.
My highs and lows come every month, every two months it feels worse. Its not uncommon for me to have visual hallucinations, but much more are auditory. This endless cycle and the repeating problems become tiring more and more, the only thing that changes with time is how I decide to cope. Recently Ive had issues come up with people around me, essentially getting bullied by full grown adults its stupid, but it gets to me. Ive began to casual bring up my behaviors and beliefs when i was younger and it seems to be met with confusion and uncomfortable looks.
this cycle leads me to begin debating logically whether or not ctb makes sense for me, or should I seek some form of treatment? idk id hate to waste my time and live in misery when its avoidable yk, but i feel like that guy mining for gold meme with this loll.. idk I dont think ive ever done anything wrong, but for me, receiving treatment feels risky rn because of how busy I am with college and busting my ass to try and get another job, yk money is kinda needded, idk if taking time for myself is possible but idk if im to harsh lmkk
but seriously learning that people think my common way of thinking is like weird, or creepy just bums me out idk what else there is to say .. like this isnt "heh... learning everyone isnt suicidal like me..." its like "ohh soo we ALL dont think that living a life of suffering is illogical due to an inevitable painful death in this flesh prison??? just me??" , "we all dont believe establishing human connection is stupid because we will all die alone anyways.??? " like ik "logically" and ETHICALLYY (acceptable) the stuff I think isnt right but its like accepting the fact jaywalking on an empty road is a crime
anyways sorry for any possible errors im lazy
My highs and lows come every month, every two months it feels worse. Its not uncommon for me to have visual hallucinations, but much more are auditory. This endless cycle and the repeating problems become tiring more and more, the only thing that changes with time is how I decide to cope. Recently Ive had issues come up with people around me, essentially getting bullied by full grown adults its stupid, but it gets to me. Ive began to casual bring up my behaviors and beliefs when i was younger and it seems to be met with confusion and uncomfortable looks.
this cycle leads me to begin debating logically whether or not ctb makes sense for me, or should I seek some form of treatment? idk id hate to waste my time and live in misery when its avoidable yk, but i feel like that guy mining for gold meme with this loll.. idk I dont think ive ever done anything wrong, but for me, receiving treatment feels risky rn because of how busy I am with college and busting my ass to try and get another job, yk money is kinda needded, idk if taking time for myself is possible but idk if im to harsh lmkk
but seriously learning that people think my common way of thinking is like weird, or creepy just bums me out idk what else there is to say .. like this isnt "heh... learning everyone isnt suicidal like me..." its like "ohh soo we ALL dont think that living a life of suffering is illogical due to an inevitable painful death in this flesh prison??? just me??" , "we all dont believe establishing human connection is stupid because we will all die alone anyways.??? " like ik "logically" and ETHICALLYY (acceptable) the stuff I think isnt right but its like accepting the fact jaywalking on an empty road is a crime
anyways sorry for any possible errors im lazy
