Venting Last post? Goodbye??? idk

[3FailedAttemptss]

So I'll preface this with I don't know how coherent I'm going to be, but I just I need to make this post.

So earlier today, I found out that I might be a schizo so I guess that explains why I lose control sometimes. When I saw I lose control, I mean I am fully in the backseat just watching myself do these things and that happens most often with suicide, acting on suicide impulses and attempting. So funnily enough (or it's not fucking funny at all) even though it's a suicide, it's not something I can stop or do anything about.

Anyway, so I found out while I was making dinner today that I'm going to be home alone tomorrow morning for a couple hours- my psychologist says that I really shouldn't be alone at all because that's kind of the only thing that helps me not lose control to these impulses. (That's also why your girl's been in the psych ward so much >w<) But yeah, I am gonna be home alone and as I was making dinner, I looked at what I just made and I was like holy shit- is this my last meal?? Did I just make my last meal? I immediately felt light-headed and nauseous thinking about that. My mind immediately went to this because if I'm home alone tomorrow and I have sodium nitrite in the house, which I picked up two days ago and I know that well- I actually don't know what's gonna happen.

I don't know if I'm gonna fucking lose control. I mean it usually happens when like I'm alone and nothing can stop me, that's when it happens. So, I don't know if that's gonna happen tomorrow! I even called my dad saying like "hey like can you come over so I'm not alone" and turns out he's busy in the morning and I don't know what to do because like I don't want to tell them about the SN because I know I'm just gonna order it again. I've ordered it three times now. I can feel that when I don't have it or I don't have it on the way then I start thinking about being decapitated by train and that's obviously a lot more uncomfortable but like it doesn't matter what it is I lose control and I can't do anything about it and the method doesn't fucking matter so suicide feels inevitable even though I don't like it.

I mean I'm a fucking crazy person apparently I'm a fucking schizo. You know I can't control myself. I'm in the backseat of my own fucking life watching myself fucking attempt suicide so maybe if I'm gonna kill myself anyway and I can't do anything about it then maybe SN is the best way?? I don't know that's such cope! but like I don't know what to do. I feel like I've tried. I feel like I've really really tried. I've been in the psych ward so fucking much. I've been talking to the psychiatrist and psychologists and I mean it's only today I learned that I'm probably a fucking schizo freak. It's like it feels like it's just a losing battle like this is just a numbers game and it's not in my favor like, I will lose control I will I will I will. I have been losing control all the fucking time and now that I have SN it's like I don't know, do I just give up? like what can I even do? I don't know what to do!!! I don't know.

I don't know where I was going with this. It's just that yeah I don't know if this is gonna be my last post so I just wanted to say something cause I really don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow morning, which is so fucked like I'm so fucked in the head that I can't even say with certainty what's gonna happen tomorrow because I'm not in control of that. Even though this is me, this is my body, I should be in control but I'm not cause I'm fucking crazy cause I'm a fucking crazy person and I can't even say that I'm not going to kill myself. I don't like suicide. I think it's tragic that I kill myself. I don't like it. I don't like it, but I guess it makes sense for me since I'm a crazy person so maybe it's OK? I don't know but now it's like I'm learning these things about myself that maybe your a schizo you know maybe you're autistic maybe you're fucking crazy but I think these things are interesting to learn about, I don't know I want to stick around for a couple weeks longer. You know I want to know about these things- I don't know is that pathetic? I'm pathetic, I'm pathetic.

Point is- I don't wanna kill myself. I can say confidently in this moment that I don't wanna kill myself, but I don't know and I can't say that I won't kill myself because yeah that's not up to me. Yeah anyway I sound crazy but I guess thanks for reading and goodbye. I don't know. I don't know. I'll update this post if I'm alive tomorrow yeah if not, I don't know if I don't update this in 48 hours. I don't know maybe delete my account? I don't know- I hate saying that, I hate saying that so much fuck. Well whatever happens I guess I just wanna say that I think they're a lot of really cool people on this site and and it pains me to see all these fucking cool people go through all this terrible shit. But, at the same time I don't I guess I can't relate to a lot of you cause part of me can part of me genuinely does want to die (I mean shit you know obviously) but at the same time I lack the same clarity or control many of y'all have- I can't set a date or say I'm gonna order SN but I'm not gonna use it until I finish all this end of life preparation or whatever like I'm not in control when I attempt so I guess in that way I can't really relate and it kind of upsets me but whatever.

I love you all- seriously!! I thank you guys for everything ^-^

 

[Droso]

I'm sorry your brain is so spontaneous and uncontrollable. That sounds like a living hell. You said you don't want to kill yourself. Can you check yourself into a psych ward before you are alone? That might be the only way to stop yourself considering you have SN. But if you go through with it, I just hope in those last moments it is peaceful and you are happy with your decision.

 

[music]

not sure if you're signing out already but would the amount of time it takes to get to where the trains are force a moment to reflect and rationalize it? if you want that? i'm personally not ever buying anything like SN or a firearm because the ease of access in moments of lapsed control is terrifying to me. i don't know you or your full situation so sorry if that's, like, not what you need. i'd be putting as many barriers up as i could if i werent likely to fully think through and understand what i'm doing. i hope you make the best call for yourself. stay as safe as you want to be , ♥

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

Uhm well- figured I'd update this ASAP.

Slept like shit last night, kept thinking about my SN and the morning. Well uh yeah so I finally properly 'woke up' cause of my alarm and honestly I was feeling more ready or sorta cozied up to the idea of my SN suicide where I'd got my two cups out and all (one was a trans flag cup and the other a lesbian flag cup >w<) idk if i was truly cozing up or just like Stockholm syndrome with myself- I really can't trust myself or feelings hahah, I keep flipping back and forth.

I could feel things were building up to an attempt- i'm not sure how to describe it but it's a very clear feeling to me when I get close to an attempt. It's not necessarily that I lose control, but it's the moment leading up to me losing control to my manic side that very much wants to kill me, I can tell that it's going to happen and I will be powerless- I felt like this all the other times.

So idk, this is fucked but- just to be 'safe' for when I do lose control of myself and just go into that thing where I just watch myself, I decided to 1) use the restroom cause I figured that's probably for the better hahah and 2) do a last check of the house just so I'm 1000% the coast is clear. Well uhh turns out my mom was still home with a sore throat…

It felt so so so fucking weird seeing her home- after me like starting to cope with my own suicide and getting things ready. Honestly I was disappointed? Though I couldn't tell you which side of me thought that hahah.

So yeah- I'm alive and now I feel like some fucking poser, I thought this was gonna be it. I feel like I should've died? I made this post and everything.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch my bus.

not sure if you're signing out already but would the amount of time it takes to get to where the trains are force a moment to reflect and rationalize it? if you want that? i'm personally not ever buying anything like SN or a firearm because the ease of access in moments of lapsed control is terrifying to me. i don't know you or your full situation so sorry if that's, like, not what you need. i'd be putting as many barriers up as i could if i werent likely to fully think through and understand what i'm doing. i hope you make the best call for yourself. stay as safe as you want to be , ♥

I've been on the tracks with intent, it doesn't help T-T
Ended up having 20 cops looking for me that night.

I've thought of putting up barriers- but it feels pointless, when my manic side takes over the method really doesn't matter much- so idk? I feel like maybe I can just give myself that little bit of comfort by choosing a better method while I'm still in my neutral state. I don't know- but that's also why being locked up in a ward is like the only thing that helps, cause I literally can't do anything.

I'm sorry your brain is so spontaneous and uncontrollable. That sounds like a living hell. You said you don't want to kill yourself. Can you check yourself into a psych ward before you are alone? That might be the only way to stop yourself considering you have SN. But if you go through with it, I just hope in those last moments it is peaceful and you are happy with your decision.

It's terrible and idk I also just hate the fact that I've ended up being a fucking crazy person- but yeah, it's weird I keep flipping back and forth between wanting to CTB (in my mind it makes sense, my life isn't worth living) and not wanting to, and that's just in my neutral state. I have my manic state and scared state too T-T so like it's fucked- but no like right now I don't want to die? (Still disappointed I didn't ctb though weirdly enough) It's just that after learning I'm a schizo I just really really want anti-psychotics, I hope they can give me full control over myself 24/7.

Maybe that's just cope though idk, that might remove my manic and scared sides but I don't know if it'll actually fix me or make my life worth living?

 

[gothbird]

You don't sound pathetic. You sound like someone staring at the edge of a black hole, already falling, and you're trying to name the stars as you go. I'm so sorry things feel like this.

If this is your last post and if the universe takes you in the morning and you dissolve into stardust, I hope you know you were just a comet burning too fast for a world that doesn't know how to slow down with you.

And if you're still here and if you wake and the SN stays sealed and the dogs bark again and the sun is too bright—you're not back at square one.

Whatever happens, I wish you luck.

 

[CynicalCyanide]

I can't know what you are going through exactly, but I can say you are not pathetic. The stuff you might have, schizophrenia or autism, are really tough. I am glad to see that you are open to being helped by medication. I really hope the psychiatrists and medication can help you and give you relief of your condition soon. I wish you well <3

 

[hang in there]

Uhm well- figured I'd update this ASAP.

Slept like shit last night, kept thinking about my SN and the morning. Well uh yeah so I finally properly 'woke up' cause of my alarm and honestly I was feeling more ready or sorta cozied up to the idea of my SN suicide where I'd got my two cups out and all (one was a trans flag cup and the other a lesbian flag cup >w<) idk if i was truly cozing up or just like Stockholm syndrome with myself- I really can't trust myself or feelings hahah, I keep flipping back and forth.

I could feel things were building up to an attempt- i'm not sure how to describe it but it's a very clear feeling to me when I get close to an attempt. It's not necessarily that I lose control, but it's the moment leading up to me losing control to my manic side that very much wants to kill me, I can tell that it's going to happen and I will be powerless- I felt like this all the other times.

So idk, this is fucked but- just to be 'safe' for when I do lose control of myself and just go into that thing where I just watch myself, I decided to 1) use the restroom cause I figured that's probably for the better hahah and 2) do a last check of the house just so I'm 1000% the coast is clear. Well uhh turns out my mom was still home with a sore throat…

It felt so so so fucking weird seeing her home- after me like starting to cope with my own suicide and getting things ready. Honestly I was disappointed? Though I couldn't tell you which side of me thought that hahah.

So yeah- I'm alive and now I feel like some fucking poser, I thought this was gonna be it. I feel like I should've died? I made this post and everything.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch my bus.

I've been on the tracks with intent, it doesn't help T-T
Ended up having 20 cops looking for me that night.

I've thought of putting up barriers- but it feels pointless, when my manic side takes over the method really doesn't matter much- so idk? I feel like maybe I can just give myself that little bit of comfort by choosing a better method while I'm still in my neutral state. I don't know- but that's also why being locked up in a ward is like the only thing that helps, cause I literally can't do anything.

It's terrible and idk I also just hate the fact that I've ended up being a fucking crazy person- but yeah, it's weird I keep flipping back and forth between wanting to CTB (in my mind it makes sense, my life isn't worth living) and not wanting to, and that's just in my neutral state. I have my manic state and scared state too T-T so like it's fucked- but no like right now I don't want to die? (Still disappointed I didn't ctb though weirdly enough) It's just that after learning I'm a schizo I just really really want anti-psychotics, I hope they can give me full control over myself 24/7.

Maybe that's just cope though idk, that might remove my manic and scared sides but I don't know if it'll actually fix me or make my life worth living?

>It's just that after learning I'm a schizo I just really really want anti-psychotics, I hope they can give me full control over myself 24/7.
Why aren't you on them already? They really do help so, so, so much. I am 100% back to normal on them.
Do you have an appointment with your psychiatrist any time soon? Your psychologist can't get those for you.
Do you think you could maybe go to an emergency room if you don't feel safe at home with your SN in the house?
They can start those for you in the psych ward if you go. It works basically as soon as you start.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I can't know what you are going through exactly, but I can say you are not pathetic. The stuff you might have, schizophrenia or autism, are really tough. I am glad to see that you are open to being helped by medication. I really hope the psychiatrists and medication can help you and give you relief of your condition soon. I wish you well <3

Yeah, but I keep thinking about this. I'm really introspective and I keep thinking about like even if I am magically fixed of any schizophrenia or any of that shit then I'm still not fixed as a person. I still don't think my life is worth living. It's just that I will be in control of myself instead of being out of control and fucking killing myself when I don't want to. I don't know how to explain it. I think it'd be really nice to be in control of myself all the time. I just don't see how that's going to change anything other than I would be more absolute and being able to say that I'm going to kill myself or I'm not going to kill myself because right now. I don't know if I'm gonna do it or not because I'm not in control of that. I'm not the one making that decision. I'm just in the backseat watching my fucking body try to kill me.

>It's just that after learning I'm a schizo I just really really want anti-psychotics, I hope they can give me full control over myself 24/7.
Why aren't you on them already? They really do help so, so, so much. I am 100% back to normal on them.
Do you have an appointment with your psychiatrist any time soon? Your psychologist can't get those for you.
Do you think you could maybe go to an emergency room if you don't feel safe at home with your SN in the house?
They can start those for you in the psych ward if you go. It works basically as soon as you start.

No, I'm not on them yet because I don't technically have the diagnosis. The psychiatrist I spoke to at the suicide prevention clinic- she said she had a very strong suspicion that I have something on the schizophrenia spectrum, but then I'm being referred to another clinic based on that suspicion, where it's then up to the other clinic whether or not to administer antipsychotics or finalize the diagnosis or things like that. So it's just gonna take time, which is really, really, really, really scary because I don't know if I have that time. I literally can't say with certainty if I'm going to make it to the end of the week. Like, I don't know; it depends on if I'm alone or not. Like, if I'm alone, then I can kill myself with the fucking SN. I don't know. It's so fucked well now I'm in the psych ward again, so I don't know. Yeah, I just got admitted to the psych ward today. I tried lying to my psychologist, but she caught onto the fact that I was probably gonna kill myself this Friday. I even have it marked in my calendar. That was kind of the plan because I was gonna be alone, and I just assumed that I was gonna lose control and fucking try to kill myself, but she caught onto that fact. I guess I'm a bad liar. I actually did try to lie, but I guess whatever. Now I've ended up in the psych ward again, so I don't know. I'll speak to a doctor tomorrow. Maybe they can tell me more about antipsychotics or something like that because it would be really, really nice to be able to say that I am going to kill myself and I can set a date and I can commit to it. Or you know what, maybe I don't wanna kill myself, and sometimes I'm really fucking scared and maybe I'd like to be able to say that I'm not gonna kill myself. Then I could fucking know with certainty that I'm in control and able to stick with that, but I'm just not able to do that.

 

[Melly]

You say you feel like you're in the backseat watching your body... That sounds like dissociation. I don't wanna be the one to bring this up because if you're psychotic, this could become the theme of a delusion, and obviously I am not a professional in any way, but have you considered and brought up that you might have a dissociative disorder, such as dissociative identity disorder? It sounds like you might have an alter that is constantly in a fight or flight mode. Take it with a grain of salt though.

Whatever mental illness you have though, you should still be able to regain or keep control of your body. You must be under a lot of stress and it doesn't sound like you, writing the initial post, want to die, so please inform friends and family if they're the empathetic kind, and stay patient with yourself. Don't freak out too much, try grounding exercises, call people on the phone if you need company that way, etc. Make some sort of safety plan to follow, maybe discuss it with people you trust. Hope you can figure things out! Good luck.

 

[hang in there]

You say you feel like you're in the backseat watching your body... That sounds like dissociation. I don't wanna be the one to bring this up because if you're psychotic, this could become the theme of a delusion, and obviously I am not a professional in any way, but have you considered and brought up that you might have a dissociative disorder, such as dissociative identity disorder? It sounds like you might have an alter that is constantly in a fight or flight mode. Take it with a grain of salt though.

Whatever mental illness you have though, you should still be able to regain or keep control of your body. You must be under a lot of stress and it doesn't sound like you, writing the initial post, want to die, so please inform friends and family if they're the empathetic kind, and stay patient with yourself. Don't freak out too much, try grounding exercises, call people on the phone if you need company that way, etc. Make some sort of safety plan to follow, maybe discuss it with people you trust. Hope you can figure things out! Good luck.

All types of psychosis whether caused by mood disorders or schizophrenia have an element of dissociative symptoms which can be distressing enough by itself to cause delusions of nonexistence/being dead/being controlled by another force
This poster has a lot of complaints of mania which can absolutely be the cause of all of the issues they have brought up

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

You say you feel like you're in the backseat watching your body... That sounds like dissociation. I don't wanna be the one to bring this up because if you're psychotic, this could become the theme of a delusion, and obviously I am not a professional in any way, but have you considered and brought up that you might have a dissociative disorder, such as dissociative identity disorder? It sounds like you might have an alter that is constantly in a fight or flight mode. Take it with a grain of salt though.

Whatever mental illness you have though, you should still be able to regain or keep control of your body. You must be under a lot of stress and it doesn't sound like you, writing the initial post, want to die, so please inform friends and family if they're the empathetic kind, and stay patient with yourself. Don't freak out too much, try grounding exercises, call people on the phone if you need company that way, etc. Make some sort of safety plan to follow, maybe discuss it with people you trust. Hope you can figure things out! Good luck.

All types of psychosis whether caused by mood disorders or schizophrenia have an element of dissociative symptoms which can be distressing enough by itself to cause delusions of nonexistence/being dead/being controlled by another force
This poster has a lot of complaints of mania which can absolutely be the cause of all of the issues they have brought up

The dissociation or backseat observer feeling definitely hits home. For me, I feel it's probably connected to the potential schizophrenia angle. I've looked into it and reflected back at like my own past, and I feel like schizophrenia is- fucked up as it is, it really resonates with me, and I see myself in a lot of it. It makes sense. Every single time a psychiatrist has asked me if I see things others don't, I've always said no, but that's because I didn't know what things they were asking about. As I've read into it, it's like holy shit, yeah, I see a lot of things that other people dont, I'm just so ignorant because I only have my own experience to go off of, so I don't know if other people see this stuff, you know? But yeah, it's just fucked up. So yeah, I've had experiences that feel like psychosis, and I'm waiting for an assessment at the psychosis center clinic thing for that specifically. It feels more like a symptom than something separate like DID, but I'm not a professional, of course.

The control issue is central. My psych also thinks regaining control should be possible, but honestly, I feel really 'unreliable' and flip back and forth so much, like you picked up on. It's scary because I don't know if treatment will work fast enough before an impulse takes over. Regarding wanting to die – there's definitely a part of me that's scared of it. But it's really ambivalent. Maybe 1/3 scared, 1/3 neutral (just weighing options, ordered the SN from this state), and 1/3 'manic' (backseat, excited, actively wanting it). So it's not straightforward. And as I mentioned before, like I flip back-and-forth and back-and-forth, and it's just like a numbers game that I know I'm gonna lose. But if I think about it like really think about it, I don't feel like my life is worth living. And besides, I mean we all die, so nothing really matters, so I don't know. I have a hard time like taking myself seriously when I'm like, no, I'm scared. I don't wanna die. At least when I really think about it.

And yeah, telling friends/family directly about all this just feels impossible for me.