Killing yourself to become free?

[always_sad]

When I was a child my mom was very cold and distant, she treated me like she was a complete stranger to me, I felt unwanted and invisible, undeserving of even most basic things.
My primary caregiver was my maternal grandmother, mom lived like she had no parental responsibilities whatsoever, even though she had no excuses like working multiple jobs or dealing with horrible illnesses. She just didn't feel like being a parent. She would drink and party a lot. I wondered what makes me so horrible and unlikeable, because if mom doesn't like me it's enitely my fault. Right?
I would often wonder what it's like to just disappear completely. Or wake up as a different person. I didn't want to be myself, I thought I'm so horrible and disgusting not even my mom cares about me.
She was always mad at me, even though I was never a troubled kid. On the contrary, adults would often praise me on how "mature" I was (which is code for "you are very easy to neglect, good job"). My mom would scream at me for dumbest reasons and she would go off at me all the fucking time, she would beat me regularly even though I absolutely did not deserve it. I could literally just stare at walls and she would find something "rude" about it and then she would scream at me and beat me for hours for being "disrespectful". I sound like a crazy person when I talk about these things but these were regular occurences. I became suicidal at 13 years old because I couldn't deal with her psychotic rage issues anymore
I'm full of hatred, rage and resentment I believe killing myself is the only way to become free. I don't feel anything most days and I care about nothing, my brain is probably fried.

 

[Surai]

human beings or animals can be like animals most of the time. The body is an animal and this does not disclude the brain. Ive come across animals and they truly are animals you can see it in their eyes.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I can relate. As a person with DID I dealt with my mothers rage often. There was no nurturing. I was just there. She collected an SSI check for me, so as often as she threatened to give me to the state it wasn't going to happen. My hell was financed by the government.

 

[happysunnydayy]

My mother's the same. Extremely abusive. Physically before now verbally. My first attempt was because of her at 13.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you went through this. You don't sound the crazy one here- at all. You were the victim in a really toxic environment. Do you still live with her or, were you able to get away? Do you keep in touch at all? It doesn't really surprise me when people choose to go 'no contact'.

I think it's reasonable to blame our childhoods for problems now. Mine was comparatively loving. Not without problems though. My Mum died when I was 3. My Grandma bringing me up likely set me on a different course but, at least it was still loving. The real damage occurred when my Dad remarried though. I also developed ideation at that point. I suspect it then just stays with a lot of people when they considered it that young.

I'm sorry you went throygh this. It actually disgust me when parents are so abusive and neglectful. I get pretty angry about it inside.