Help Kill myself because too ugly (Body dysmorphia)?

[Bodydysmorphia]

Hello,

I am a 22 year old male from Germany who has been suffering from depression and bodydysmorphic disorder since his teen years. I've been to numerous therapists and trying several different medications but nothing has really helped me to become psychologically stable. I struggle with an inferiority complex which is why I am perceived as insecure by other persons. Also, I've been through bullying and toxic/manipulative "friendships" which have amplified my insecurities. Moreover, I belong to LGBT (gay).

My biggest struggle is my appearance/my looks. I have suffered a severe acne during puberty, which has left scars all over my body. I don't go swimming or generally take off my shirt even if it is summer. My whole back and chest as well as my upper arms are covered with scars, it goes all the way to my rectal area. I rarely have sexual interactions or go out for dates as I feel too ashamed for my body/looks.

Moreover, I hate my face and body type (really skinny and small/short for a guy), I just hate looking into the mirror. Thus I avoid social interactions, have just a few friends and spend most of the time laying in my bed. I fear of being rejected by others because of my appearance which is why I don't go partying or dating anymore.

I don't know it's all gotten to a point where I feel like I should just ctb as I don't feel that anyone will find me genuinely attractive. I don't know what do to anymore, just want to feel some inner peace...

 

[cxz43]

Hey, I relate in some way with you, however the opposite as I am a chunky girl, and have been feeling the same way about myself.
if you need a friend or anything feel free to message me and we can shoot the shit for a bit.
I can't promise it will be a very long friendship but I am hoping to make some friends before my time is up here, and possibly show you that maybe not everyone is an asshole.

 

[freedompass]

That really sounds challenging, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. We are more than our bodies but when you are young and have a natural instinct to meet others and maybe find a partner, feeling so self conscious is tough. The fact you were bullied will have compounded that. Is this also preventing you from going to college or having a career? I expect you've heard about exposure therapy and suchlike? Sadly it's virtually impossible to improve your life while lying in bed all day. In fact that's a sure fire way of remaining stuck. Take baby steps every day to move out of your 'comfort zone'. The internet is awash with resources, suggestions and ideas for people struggling with similar issues. You're not alone. Life may not have dealt you the greatest hand looks wise but try to think what you do have going for you and focus on that? I know this is fairly generic advice. I wish you would not give up yet, ctb can wait, it's not going anywhere so be sure that you have fully explored your options first.

 

[Bodydysmorphia]

That really sounds challenging, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. We are more than our bodies but when you are young and have a natural instinct to meet others and maybe find a partner, feeling so self conscious is tough. The fact you were bullied will have compounded that. Is this also preventing you from going to college or having a career? I expect you've heard about exposure therapy and suchlike? Sadly it's virtually impossible to improve your life while lying in bed all day. In fact that's a sure fire way of remaining stuck. Take baby steps every day to move out of your 'comfort zone'. The internet is awash with resources, suggestions and ideas for people struggling with similar issues. You're not alone. Life may not have dealt you the greatest hand looks wise but try to think what you do have going for you and focus on that? I know this is fairly generic advice. I wish you would not give up yet, ctb can wait, it's not going anywhere so be sure that you have fully explored your options first.

I am currently studying a Bachelor program however I have done exactly zero for university so I fear I will fail my exams. It's just difficult for me to go out because I am constantly thinking of how I look like. I feel so disgusted by me sometimes.

 

[Bodydysmorphia]

Hey, I relate in some way with you, however the opposite as I am a chunky girl, and have been feeling the same way about myself.
if you need a friend or anything feel free to message me and we can shoot the shit for a bit.
I can't promise it will be a very long friendship but I am hoping to make some friends before my time is up here, and possibly show you that maybe not everyone is an asshole.

Is the body dysmorphia the main reason why you want to ctb or something else if I may ask?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so much. This life is just so unfair and it sounds really unbearable what you have to endure. I hope that you find relief from your pain in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Snatsbats]

Dude you are not ugly at all. you have a nice jawline, you have deep set eyes. your hairline is receeding. but you just have to get another haircut. try a french crop. here in the nethelands a french crop is hype now.

 

[absolute]

Hello,

I am a 22 year old male from Germany who has been suffering from depression and bodydysmorphic disorder since his teen years. I've been to numerous therapists and trying several different medications but nothing has really helped me to become psychologically stable. I struggle with an inferiority complex which is why I am perceived as insecure by other persons. Also, I've been through bullying and toxic/manipulative "friendships" which have amplified my insecurities. Moreover, I belong to LGBT (gay).

My biggest struggle is my appearance/my looks. I have suffered a severe acne during puberty, which has left scars all over my body. I don't go swimming or generally take off my shirt even if it is summer. My whole back and chest as well as my upper arms are covered with scars, it goes all the way to my rectal area. I rarely have sexual interactions or go out for dates as I feel too ashamed for my body/looks.

Moreover, I hate my face and body type (really skinny and small/short for a guy), I just hate looking into the mirror. Thus I avoid social interactions, have just a few friends and spend most of the time laying in my bed. I fear of being rejected by others because of my appearance which is why I don't go partying or dating anymore.

I don't know it's all gotten to a point where I feel like I should just ctb as I don't feel that anyone will find me genuinely attractive. I don't know what do to anymore, just want to feel some inner peace...

Hi Bodydysmorphia I know exactly how you feel about taking your shirt off at swimming etc. I have tattoo's on my body that I am ashamed of so I also wear a shirt at the beach or pool. As far as being skinny do not worry about that , many people wish they were skinny.

 

[Bodydysmorphia]

@Snatsbats @absolute @FuneralCry thank you for your input. I just don't like myself at all and wish I was someone else. I don't know I've just developed this kind of self hatred over the years and want to put an ending to it altogether. I try to cover my scars with tattoos actually but it won't really cure my body dysmorphia. Before I start spending lots of money into plastic surgery which won't help anyway I can just ctb

 

[absolute]

I am currently studying a Bachelor program however I have done exactly zero for university so I fear I will fail my exams. It's just difficult for me to go out because I am constantly thinking of how I look like. I feel so disgusted by me sometimes.

I am currently studying a Bachelor program however I have done exactly zero for university so I fear I will fail my exams. It's just difficult for me to go out because I am constantly thinking of how I look like. I feel so disgusted by me sometimes.

I do not see any scars and your not ugly at all.

 

[come to dust]

Hi, you are not ugly at all.

My boyfriend has acne all over his body, huge self harm scars, is not tall, yet I still think he is extremely hot (I am a gay male too btw)

 

[Bodydysmorphia]

I have attached pictures of my back where you can see the scars and of my chest and in the third picture you can see some scarring on the shoulder if you look closely. I feel so ashamed of myself

 

[come to dust]

I have attached pictures of my back where you can see the scars and of my chest and in the third picture you can see some scarring on the shoulder if you look closely. I feel so ashamed of myself

You look fine. My boyfriend has much worse scarring and I love him.

 

[absolute]

I have attached pictures of my back where you can see the scars and of my chest and in the third picture you can see some scarring on the shoulder if you look closely. I feel so ashamed of myself

I still see nothing. I have a scar between my shoulder blades because of a biopsi that turned out to be nothing. Shortly after I got home I went to tie my shoes and the stitches ripped open and now have a big scar betwwen my shoulder blades like an axe wound.

 

[HappyForever?]

Judging from your pictures, I must say that you look fine, much better than I look. The scarring on parts not covered by clothing is barely visible. I suggest that you look into therapy before you CTB.

 

[cxz43]

Is the body dysmorphia the main reason why you want to ctb or something else if I may ask?

it's a mix of a lot of things. but body dysmorphia and my ED is a very long and deep problem.

 

[Bodydysmorphia]

it's a mix of a lot of things. but body dysmorphia and my ED is a very long and deep problem.

Sorry for the late reply. I can definitely understand your problem. My bodydysmorphia is putting a lot of restrictions on my life and preventing me from building some self-esteem and confidence. I have never really learned to genuinely appreciate myself or love myself which is why I have suicidal tendencies. I am trying to improve my look but I am just never satisfied. I feel very uncomfortable.

 

[Zerengin96]

you look completely normal. You should see me, i marfan syndrome. I basically look like a lanky 6foot3 long child who has barely reached puberty. I look comical and people make fun behind my back for my entire life and i never had friends or a relationship with a woman

 

[Fish Face]

I have attached pictures of my back where you can see the scars and of my chest and in the third picture you can see some scarring on the shoulder if you look closely. I feel so ashamed of myself

You look really good. I am not going to patronise you by saying you are Brad Pitt but you do have a really nice expressive, kind looking face and a very good body. You are probably above average. I cannot see any scars at all on you. And if I did, so f***ing what? You will either have a one-night stand, in which nobody cares about your scars, or a relationship, in which for it to be strong you will be better of being honest if those scars are even noticed. You don't need to be on this site to be understanding. Most people now of your age are and if not, then so what? Their loss. Try to get some therapy on this because you are honestly better looking than 90% of people I see every day.

 

[Darrenloses]

Not just saying this to make you feel better.. But you should not be concerned about your looks at all, you look completely normal. You are very handsome.

 

[unredeemable]

I am a chunky girl

Chunky girls are where it's at, but I've never seen my own obesity as anything other than repulsive. It's that sort of doublethink that drives me crazy trying to understand. Not sure I ever will or could.

 

[AveEtVictoria]

I'm also from Germany and if you want to commit suicide it's not so good to post pictures of yourself here.

You look completely normal, you should see me, had 3 dates with women this year, all 3 didn't contact me after the meeting or distanced themselves during the meeting because I'm so ugly.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Take this for what it's worth, but from a straight guy's perspective, you look pretty normal to me. Certainly, within the realm of average looks, at least. I think anyone worth knowing, or getting to know, will look way past any scarring you have, and see you for you, and what you have to offer, in regard to the real qualities that matter. I won't tell you what to do, but since you're so young, and even though you have body dysmorphia, I'd exhaust any and all potential remedies before I would cash it in, if I were in your shoes. I hope you find the help you need. Good luck.

 

[come to dust]

Btw you should know that being white, square jawed and toned already puts you in the upper echelons of conventional attractiveness.

 

[Hans Voralberg]

You are so fucking hot i would do anything to have such face. You are like real version of BJ blazkovic from Wolfenstein video games. Your face is Perfect. You have scars on your back but this is compleatly unimportant due to overall look and this tatoo 11/10. Look this is the greatest badass in gaming history for comparsion

 

[Thefuture]

I have attached pictures of my back where you can see the scars and of my chest and in the third picture you can see some scarring on the shoulder if you look closely. I feel so ashamed of myself

You're good looking maybe you feel like you look ugly because you look different? and not different in a bad way. The scars are no big deal. If you stop touching them and let them heal they will fade. Have you ever tried a longer hairstyle? current one looks good but you look super clean looking. A little ruggard might look nice.
I'd be stoked to date someone that looked like you. =)

You look really good. I am not going to patronise you by saying you are Brad Pitt but you do have a really nice expressive, kind looking face and a very good body. You are probably above average. I cannot see any scars at all on you. And if I did, so f***ing what? You will either have a one-night stand, in which nobody cares about your scars, or a relationship, in which for it to be strong you will be better of being honest if those scars are even noticed. You don't need to be on this site to be understanding. Most people now of your age are and if not, then so what? Their loss. Try to get some therapy on this because you are honestly better looking than 90% of people I see every day.

Dude don't ever tell someone they look "kind looking" thats the weridest unflattering compliment if it even is one.

 

[Bodydysmorphia]

You're good looking maybe you feel like you look ugly because you look different? and not different in a bad way. The scars are no big deal. If you stop touching them and let them heal they will fade. Have you ever tried a longer hairstyle? current one looks good but you look super clean looking. A little ruggard might look nice.
I'd be stoked to date someone that looked like you. =)

Yeah this could be a reason. I've never really quite accepted my sexual orientation 100% because I don't feel that manly sometimes. It's always been a struggle for me to develop some self-esteem. I just want to feel happy and somewhat satisfied with myself but I am not and I feel I never will.

But thank you for your kind words.

@AveEtVictoria thank you for your message. Why is it exactly a problem if I post pictures of myself in this forum? The probability that someone who knows me would stumble across this forum is very low.

 

[rationaltake]

Why is it exactly a problem if I post pictures of myself in this forum? The probability that someone who knows me would stumble across this forum is very low.

The forum is public and people oppose the site. The Fixthe26 group. They could doxx any of us.

You look amazing btw. I realise it's how you feel about yourself which really matters.

 

[newave3]

I too am quite handsome.....here I is in my younger days

 

[Bodydysmorphia]

The forum is public and people oppose the site. The Fixthe26 group. They could doxx any of us.

You look amazing btw. I realise it's how you feel about yourself which really matters.

Oh wow, I didn't even know some sort of organization like this existed. I've actually been on a "pro life" forum before but I prefer this one as it is pro choice and I feel like the people here care more about each other than those on the pro life forum (and nobody is encouraging anyone here to ctb, everyone is responsible for their own actions) but that's a different topic. I won't post further pictures of myself as I do see the problem.

My depression and bodydysmorphia are not recent, they have been "accompanying" me for years and I don't feel like it is going to get better any soon. I moved to another city far away from my hometown in hopes of getting a better life but it really hasn't. I just want to finally feel some peace that's really all I want.

Anti depressants/medicine hasn't helped me at all.