Just some random stuff I'm thinking about while I'm on the terrace at 22:50 looking at the clouds... Thinking it's my last few days...
Earth — it's a beautiful place... Nature, it's beautiful. These clouds, trees, rivers, oceans etc. everything... It's beautiful. Maybe it is worth living. But maybe not for everyone...
Some people — they get really good lives. Good parents, good friends, good relationships, good self.
Maybe it's not that they get it because it's handed to them. Maybe it's just that they deserved it... They were good enough for that...
Me? I'm not good enough... That's why I don't have that. A good family? I'm not a good son. Friends? I'm not interesting enough. I don't look good enough, I think. No skills, no interests... There's actually nothing good about me... Just maybe that I have empathy? But who cares. Maybe even that's a delusion and it's not true.
So perhaps it's worth living for, on this planet, for the people who deserve it. Are good enough.
They tell me it's not my fault but I can't see any other reason for — for what? For everything? For having no friends. ( Perhaps my definition of friends is unrealistic ) For never having a real bestfriend.
Family? Yeah I'm not a good son that's why I'm not treated well... No skills. No sports. Academics? Just 84% and 90% that's nothing... Extra curricular? Nothing. Learned guitar for a while then left. And well maybe it's all my fault.
Not being social enough.. not being interesting enough to talk to...
Meanwhile, let's see my crush.. no idealizing, just what I've seen and noticed.
He has good relations with his family. Talks to his parents everyday. Informs them if he's going out with friends after college. He's extroverted, social.
He tries out new things. Perhaps, he's curious. Sports, extra curriculars... Events...
Even physically, he's atleast a bit better than me.
Sometimes I just feel he's just a normal guy I wanted to be... And that I should be like him...
Idk about others, but I don't think living anymore is gonna help me... I can't live with myself...
Earth — it's a beautiful place... Nature, it's beautiful. These clouds, trees, rivers, oceans etc. everything... It's beautiful. Maybe it is worth living. But maybe not for everyone...
Some people — they get really good lives. Good parents, good friends, good relationships, good self.
Maybe it's not that they get it because it's handed to them. Maybe it's just that they deserved it... They were good enough for that...
Me? I'm not good enough... That's why I don't have that. A good family? I'm not a good son. Friends? I'm not interesting enough. I don't look good enough, I think. No skills, no interests... There's actually nothing good about me... Just maybe that I have empathy? But who cares. Maybe even that's a delusion and it's not true.
So perhaps it's worth living for, on this planet, for the people who deserve it. Are good enough.
They tell me it's not my fault but I can't see any other reason for — for what? For everything? For having no friends. ( Perhaps my definition of friends is unrealistic ) For never having a real bestfriend.
Family? Yeah I'm not a good son that's why I'm not treated well... No skills. No sports. Academics? Just 84% and 90% that's nothing... Extra curricular? Nothing. Learned guitar for a while then left. And well maybe it's all my fault.
Not being social enough.. not being interesting enough to talk to...
Meanwhile, let's see my crush.. no idealizing, just what I've seen and noticed.
He has good relations with his family. Talks to his parents everyday. Informs them if he's going out with friends after college. He's extroverted, social.
He tries out new things. Perhaps, he's curious. Sports, extra curriculars... Events...
Even physically, he's atleast a bit better than me.
Sometimes I just feel he's just a normal guy I wanted to be... And that I should be like him...
Idk about others, but I don't think living anymore is gonna help me... I can't live with myself...
