Venting Just getting this off my chest

[skiski_what]

Hi, this is my first post o/

I know at one point I will, but for now I'm kind of just counting my days. I feel terrible. I bought my first firearm, a 9mm, with months of contemplating beforehand. After contemplating, I was just contempt on following through, especially the last five months. Then, when I went to bite the bullet, I kind of just stopped. It's not that I don't want to, but I'm not sure if it'd do the trick. I've never even shot one before so I'd hate to mess it up and just live the rest of my life like a vegetable, yk? Like am I even using the right grain (147 btw, plan on taking it to the range to get a feel for it before I follow through at least). But yeah, that shit is scary when it comes down to the moment, which is crazy, because I've spent the last few months thinking "Man, I am so ready to do this", even happy as shit on my way home after picking it up and everything. But the more I thought about it as I was loading a clip for the first time, researching where to shoot (how I found this thread coincidentally), everything felt like the slightest error would mean I'd make it out alive, the one outcome I absolutely do not want. But yeah, I could barely breathe for the last few days, feeling miserable that I'm not going through with it, after all the buildup and money spent.

I hate myself for so many reasons, from fucking up in basic life shit to family, and just worse problems I don't want to get on to right now. Like, dude. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life if I keep going, especially with how badly I've just been intentionally trying to find a way out of this life, and fucking it up in the process. The worst part being my girlfriend. She's going to hate me, and she probably won't even know for a while, especially cause we're ldr atm. But I mainly feel like that because people we know have also cbt'd, and she feels strongly about that. I know she loves me, and that people close to us are gone now, so it feels like I'm all she has right now with our current situation, but I just can't do this. I just can't.

This forum's honestly given me a breath of fresh air. I've been lurking around for a while and saw some pretty reasonable "methods." So, I was able to order some sn, I'm hoping I can use something that's much less based on me fucking up a gunshot. Still preparing the rest of the protocol though. I'm really hoping it goes well, and nothing goes wrong with the order or anything else from here on out. While that happens, I'll be counting the seconds in the minutes for it, like I did before. I don't plan on not doing it though, I want to see what's after life more than anything, whether I rot in hell or float in space.

Random addition: I've been obssessed with physics as of recently like the universe, quantum theories, and literally anything else, for a silver lining I guess, do you guys randomly get like this too? idk it kind of eases me when I know I'm gonna cbt.

 

[Liwujin]

Something opposite is happening to me, now that I know I'm going to ctb I don't think much of the afterlife since I'm going to be there either way, so I'm much more focused on my present life, trying to squeeze out whatever I can get out of it.

 

[Knives_14]

Hey man, welcome to SaSu!
I'm sorry you feel this way and that life has been rough to you, i too consider this place as a breathe of fresh air.
Feeling free to discuss topics that are considered kind of "taboo" by society is already a great deal to me.

About your actual addition you should DEFINITELY play Outer Wilds, ever heard of it?

 

[skiski_what]

Something opposite is happening to me, now that I know I'm going to ctb I don't think much of the afterlife since I'm going to be there either way, so I'm much more focused on my present life, trying to squeeze out whatever I can get out of it.

I get that, honestly, and I should probably try to make the same effort. The other part of me though? I just can't help but wonder the possibilities of what could be after, because I already know what's in the present.

Hey man, welcome to SaSu!
I'm sorry you feel this way and that life has been rough to you, i too consider this place as a breathe of fresh air.
Feeling free to discuss topics that are considered kind of "taboo" by society is already a great deal to me.

About your actual addition you should DEFINITELY play Outer Wilds, ever heard of it?

Hey, thanks for welcoming me! And yeah, this type of thing isn't easy to talk about around people closer to me, it just makes it that much more difficult.

As for Outer Wilds, I have heard of it! (I haven't seen gameplay of it though) I like playing games though :). I haven't been able to play as much recently because I've been caught up on work and my classes (which are now over B) ). In the past it was usually something like Destiny 2/Overwatch/Black Desert, I recently started playing Final Fantasy 14 though! I'll check out Outer Wilds on the note of your recommendation for sure.

 

[Knives_14]

I get that, honestly, and I should probably try to make the same effort. The other part of me though? I just can't help but wonder the possibilities of what could be after, because I already know what's in the present.

Hey, thanks for welcoming me! And yeah, this type of thing isn't easy to talk about around people closer to me, it just makes it that much more difficult.

As for Outer Wilds, I have heard of it! (I haven't seen gameplay of it though) I like playing games though :). I haven't been able to play as much recently because I've been caught up on work and my classes (which are now over B) ). In the past it was usually something like Destiny 2/Overwatch/Black Desert, I recently started playing Final Fantasy 14 though! I'll check out Outer Wilds on the note of your recommendation for sure.

You are sooo going to love it based on your interests rn. You have a cute galaxy to explore filled with quantum knowledge =] but i'm not going to say anything more, if you consider to play it please don't lurk anything. Trust me

 

[skiski_what]

You are sooo going to love it based on your interests rn. You have a cute galaxy to explore filled with quantum knowledge =] but i'm not going to say anything more, if you consider to play it please don't lurk anything. Trust me

Thanks for the heads up, I'll try to stay spoiler free. Downloading it rn, and yes, I would definitely love this game based on your summary.

 

[PanaxMan]

Hi, this is my first post o/

I know at one point I will, but for now I'm kind of just counting my days. I feel terrible. I bought my first firearm, a 9mm, with months of contemplating beforehand. After contemplating, I was just contempt on following through, especially the last five months. Then, when I went to bite the bullet, I kind of just stopped. It's not that I don't want to, but I'm not sure if it'd do the trick. I've never even shot one before so I'd hate to mess it up and just live the rest of my life like a vegetable, yk? Like am I even using the right grain (147 btw, plan on taking it to the range to get a feel for it before I follow through at least). But yeah, that shit is scary when it comes down to the moment, which is crazy, because I've spent the last few months thinking "Man, I am so ready to do this", even happy as shit on my way home after picking it up and everything. But the more I thought about it as I was loading a clip for the first time, researching where to shoot (how I found this thread coincidentally), everything felt like the slightest error would mean I'd make it out alive, the one outcome I absolutely do not want. But yeah, I could barely breathe for the last few days, feeling miserable that I'm not going through with it, after all the buildup and money spent.

I hate myself for so many reasons, from fucking up in basic life shit to family, and just worse problems I don't want to get on to right now. Like, dude. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life if I keep going, especially with how badly I've just been intentionally trying to find a way out of this life, and fucking it up in the process. The worst part being my girlfriend. She's going to hate me, and she probably won't even know for a while, especially cause we're ldr atm. But I mainly feel like that because people we know have also cbt'd, and she feels strongly about that. I know she loves me, and that people close to us are gone now, so it feels like I'm all she has right now with our current situation, but I just can't do this. I just can't.

This forum's honestly given me a breath of fresh air. I've been lurking around for a while and saw some pretty reasonable "methods." So, I was able to order some sn, I'm hoping I can use something that's much less based on me fucking up a gunshot. Still preparing the rest of the protocol though. I'm really hoping it goes well, and nothing goes wrong with the order or anything else from here on out. While that happens, I'll be counting the seconds in the minutes for it, like I did before. I don't plan on not doing it though, I want to see what's after life more than anything, whether I rot in hell or float in space.

Random addition: I've been obssessed with physics as of recently like the universe, quantum theories, and literally anything else, for a silver lining I guess, do you guys randomly get like this too? idk it kind of eases me when I know I'm gonna cbt.

If you can get your hand on a shotgun although the aim of a 9mm at the right place should do the job

 

[skiski_what]

If you can get your hand on a shotgun although the aim of a 9mm at the right place should do the job

Yeah, I should've researched more about firearms, I kind of just thought it'd do the trick, but when it comes down to it, it gets scary. I really don't wanna fuck it up, and it might be painful af if I do. Shotgun definitely feels like the smarter choice, but oh well. I've already placed an order on SN, so that should be a lot less nerve racking and easier to pull off. I just have to get a hold of anti-emetics (no clue how I'll go about that, but I'll try to make it work). I'll hold onto the 9mm for backup though, because I know for sure I want to do it before the end of July.

 

[skiski_what]

You are sooo going to love it based on your interests rn. You have a cute galaxy to explore filled with quantum knowledge =] but i'm not going to say anything more, if you consider to play it please don't lurk anything. Trust me

Update: Game is amazing, love this looping system. Reminds me of Iron Lung crossed with Subnautica in space a little. Thanks so much for the recommendation. Loving it so far.

 

[Knives_14]

Update: Game is amazing, love this looping system. Reminds me of Iron Lung crossed with Subnautica in space a little. Thanks so much for the recommendation. Loving it so far.

I'm so glad

 

[itsgone2]

But yeah, I could barely breathe for the last few days, feeling miserable that I'm not going through with it, after all the buildup and money spent.

It's so difficult. I'm similar but my method is fsh. I'm afraid of it. I tried buying a gun but so far haven't had the guts for that. So at least you've taken that step. I would also go for 9mm. Though I've done nothing so maybe shotgun should be considered. What an awful mess life is.

 

[skiski_what]

It's so difficult. I'm similar but my method is fsh. I'm afraid of it. I tried buying a gun but so far haven't had the guts for that. So at least you've taken that step. I would also go for 9mm. Though I've done nothing so maybe shotgun should be considered. What an awful mess life is.

Yeah, what helped me was going to gun conventions to kind of browse around for a bit. I was definitely nervous, especially meeting people that I thought would be judgemental with someone like me wanting to browse guns. The people weren't so bad from my experience and were happy to help give me options.

The real test came buying the gun the day I did, because I had been placed in a psych ward over 7 years ago, and thought it may screw with my chances of buying one. Not the case either interestingly, guy was willing to ask any questions I had about it, smooth experience overall.

For context, I'm your average guy, slightly taller. Dressing casual in a baggy shirt. No left-field questions, just "What made you wanna buy it" (I said home defense and hobby that a friend does, pretty standard), and "You're still pretty young" (My response to that was just that I'm worried about myself especially when everyone seems to have one nowadays, and like I said, friend wanted to get me into it).

Good luck on your method. I got scared as hell when I realized I had nearly no clue what I was doing, if it'd be lethal enough, etc. I understand your frustrations.

 

[PanaxMan]

Yeah, I should've researched more about firearms, I kind of just thought it'd do the trick, but when it comes down to it, it gets scary. I really don't wanna fuck it up, and it might be painful af if I do. Shotgun definitely feels like the smarter choice, but oh well. I've already placed an order on SN, so that should be a lot less nerve racking and easier to pull off. I just have to get a hold of anti-emetics (no clue how I'll go about that, but I'll try to make it work). I'll hold onto the 9mm for backup though, because I know for sure I want to do it before the end of July.

No problem