This is just a vent. No need to read it. I just want to get all of this off my chest, once and for all.
I always hated people who talked about their emotions – people who vented, especially girls. The Anger, caused by my incapability to talk about my own emotions, made me hate others. My vivid mind would use this anger to create brutal and dark daydreams, which fed my depression. I dug myself into this depressed hole of self-hate, isolation and suicidality. A school change, a mental health supervisor, repeating a grade – nothing helped, and I was also not looking to get out of it. Looking back, I figured I was properly subconsciously anxious about many things, which led me into a down going spiral of avoidance. Avoiding School because I was too afraid of performance, avoiding help because I was too afraid of not being taken seriously, avoiding any kind of relationship because I was too afraid of not being good enough – I was afraid of being seen. The thoughts in my head got darker and darker until the pressure I build up over all these years started to hurt me physically: I could not sleep, had anxiety and many uncomfortable stomach issues. I was so done with everything. I wanted to take my life before the end of school, so I planned everything out and was finally willing to do it.
I do not believe in God but sometimes I do think that there has to be something, right? A guy in my class back then always reached out to me, even thought I never did anything to deserve it. Now guess what? We came together. Just at the right time. He even had a cross tattooed on his neck. God, someone…or something did send me a sign to let me know that I can do it and that I am loveable. Never ever have I been this happy.
Now I wonder if God wanted to help me or just let me suffer even more. To make things short: I have a sexual dysfunction, which makes sex super painful for me, even many doctor appointments could not change that. This one truly killed me. I cried every night and begged someone to make me okay because I was so afraid my boyfriend would leave me someday. I got mentally unstable. A clinical stay and antidepressants could not save our relationship and he eventually broke up after 1 ½ years. I do know it is the best for both of us but since then I do suffer a lot. I started therapy and try to get better but lately I feel suicidal again. I have a hard time going to my internship every day and in just 2 weeks, I am supposed to start a real job. It seems almost impossible.
A relationship was the best thing I ever had and I lost it to a sexual dysfunction at the age of 21? This feels like a joke! It feels like God is making fun of me! Now all that is left is my depression and my impulsive personality that makes it impossible for me to live a stable life. I feel lost and alone. How come that no one I know has similar problems? I am fairly young I shouldn't think about taking my life! I don't feel entitled to it. Everyday I try to become better, but it just gets worse and worse. Feel like trying out drugs and hurting my body, maybe I should kill myself after all?
I always hated people who talked about their emotions – people who vented, especially girls. The Anger, caused by my incapability to talk about my own emotions, made me hate others. My vivid mind would use this anger to create brutal and dark daydreams, which fed my depression. I dug myself into this depressed hole of self-hate, isolation and suicidality. A school change, a mental health supervisor, repeating a grade – nothing helped, and I was also not looking to get out of it. Looking back, I figured I was properly subconsciously anxious about many things, which led me into a down going spiral of avoidance. Avoiding School because I was too afraid of performance, avoiding help because I was too afraid of not being taken seriously, avoiding any kind of relationship because I was too afraid of not being good enough – I was afraid of being seen. The thoughts in my head got darker and darker until the pressure I build up over all these years started to hurt me physically: I could not sleep, had anxiety and many uncomfortable stomach issues. I was so done with everything. I wanted to take my life before the end of school, so I planned everything out and was finally willing to do it.
I do not believe in God but sometimes I do think that there has to be something, right? A guy in my class back then always reached out to me, even thought I never did anything to deserve it. Now guess what? We came together. Just at the right time. He even had a cross tattooed on his neck. God, someone…or something did send me a sign to let me know that I can do it and that I am loveable. Never ever have I been this happy.
Now I wonder if God wanted to help me or just let me suffer even more. To make things short: I have a sexual dysfunction, which makes sex super painful for me, even many doctor appointments could not change that. This one truly killed me. I cried every night and begged someone to make me okay because I was so afraid my boyfriend would leave me someday. I got mentally unstable. A clinical stay and antidepressants could not save our relationship and he eventually broke up after 1 ½ years. I do know it is the best for both of us but since then I do suffer a lot. I started therapy and try to get better but lately I feel suicidal again. I have a hard time going to my internship every day and in just 2 weeks, I am supposed to start a real job. It seems almost impossible.
A relationship was the best thing I ever had and I lost it to a sexual dysfunction at the age of 21? This feels like a joke! It feels like God is making fun of me! Now all that is left is my depression and my impulsive personality that makes it impossible for me to live a stable life. I feel lost and alone. How come that no one I know has similar problems? I am fairly young I shouldn't think about taking my life! I don't feel entitled to it. Everyday I try to become better, but it just gets worse and worse. Feel like trying out drugs and hurting my body, maybe I should kill myself after all?
