Venting Jealous of those who can do what they want

[BloomingAzaleas]

Sometimes I get jealous of those who can do what they want. Both those who can live life how they please and those who can end it as they please. Doing what I want, is forbidden. The thought of doing something for myself makes me want to throw up. I feel like, if I lived how I wanted to in the world, I'd be a monster people would want dead. That's not a fate I'd like. But I still wonder, maybe I'd actually be happy then.
But now that I'm an adult, I have so much freedom, that I don't know what to do? Doing what I want is forbidden. And the thought of using my freedom to live a happy life terrifies me.
If I could just live once more as an angel with duties and missions, if I could dedicate my life to something that's not myself I'd like that.
I only just want to have some direction in my life, even if it's a direction that makes me undeniably worse

 

[Jadeith]

If I could just live once more as an angel with duties and missions, if I could dedicate my life to something that's not myself I'd like that.
I only just want to have some direction in my life, even if it's a direction that makes me undeniably worse

There's a saying i personally like: "Those of us who lost the flame of will to live, sometimes try to warm themselves up by fanning this flame in others".
Maybe this is a solution for your problem. Become an angel for someone. Not like those tik tok tear jerkers with million dollar donations for homeless, filmed from every possible angle, just an invisible helping hand, a little uplift here and there. It could give you a sense of purpose and divert attention from self.
It helped me, maybe it could help you.

 

[BloomingAzaleas]

Those of us who lost the flame of will to live, sometimes try to warm themselves up by fanning this flame in others

Where's this saying from? I like it a lot

It's funny you mention it too, this is something I've tried since I was 16 but have now I guess lost that spark

I'll try to get back into faceless volunteering, if I can light up even one persons world then at the very least I could be a useful flame

 

[Jadeith]

Where's this saying from? I like it a lot

Awwww, thank you. Honestly - i don't remember. Maybe i saw it somewhere on-line. Maybe my twisted mind came up with it at some point and i just forgot. No matter. Happy you like it.

faceless volunteering

Faceless volunteering - haven't heard that one before. I like it. Definitely gonna use it.