Venting I've tried so hard

[MidnightCat]

That's it.

I feel like I'm always swimming countercurrent. Like I'm always fighting in an endless gladiator arena.

I'm tired. So, so, so absurdly tired.

I've always been a sad person, depression, SH and BPD haunted me since I was young.

I'm more than 30 now. I did everything "good". I married. I've bought a house. It'll probably get fully paid this year. I've got a car, and managed to build a small business that keeps me afloat even when I can barely wake up at bed most of the time.


I do not enjoy things. I try. But i don't.

I don't enjoy where I live, I moved here to be able to afford a life, I've tried to like it. But i don't.

I did not expend lots of money travelling or things like that. I did the things you're supposed to do.


However... I'm just even sadder than when I had nothing to my name, barely to eat and just enough to get drunk using absinthe and diazepam.


I don't feel like myself, but neither I used to feel like myself.


I just... Can't find a reason to keep going.

I love my wife, and my 3 cats. But... It's just haunting. You can't just "live" when your mind is telling you to go ahead and ctb.


I miss my grandad, he was a little rough sometimes, but loved him.

I miss my dad, he was always there to listen to me when when that was difficult. I was too crude, I'm sorry for being a bad son. But... Nonetheless I love you and I miss you so much.

I've been always sad. But after he passed away 2 years ago, this is unbearable.


I just don't know how to keep going. I've tried going outside, doing things, being useful...

At most, things just produce a small spark. I can't manage to get a flame going..


I.. just... I just don't know how to keep going.

 

[timf]

At most, things just produce a small spark. I can't manage to get a flame going..

This might be a ray of light to follow up on. If you can get a spark, is it possible to get two?

In the realm of activities there are physical like exercise, swimming, tennis, golf, etc. There artistic pursuits like music, drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, etc. There are escape opportunities with fiction that can take you on a visit to all sorts of worlds.

In the physical; realm there are experiments that one can do with diet and supplementation. Most of our food is grown in fields that have had the micro nutrients depleted decades ago. At the least a multivitamin with minerals could be taken.

A good comedy TV series can give a boost as well. If I remember correctly, 3rd Rock was pretty funny. It can be difficult to summon the energy to do an experiment, but finding something that works a bit can build a "tool box" of options over time.