Venting I’ve realised I have no will anymore

[suacide]

Hello everyone, sorry for being so inconsistent on here. Today I wanna kinda vent but also discuss some things, maybe get some advice…

In short, I've realised I really don't have any agency for myself. My issues are worse than I thought and now I'm fearing I have genuine developmental issues because of my trauma and the way I was raised. It's all too much. I have no agency for myself and just let things happen to me. I make no moves even when I know it's hurting me, I just can't do it. I feel like I need to taken care of for anything to get done.

My grieving hasn't gotten any better either, I still miss her everyday and even after 13 months it hurts the same and I regularly have days where all I can ever think about is her and how this really is it. I feel that way whenever I see older people that still have their parents around. Or when someone is being ungrateful over them. A part of me died with her and I don't think I'll ever really get it back.

I make promises to myself a lot, saying I'll go to the doctors, that I'll make steps to improve myself, but I never do it. I never can it feels. Apathy is something I struggle with greatly. I just wish someone was there to sit with me and help me when times were hard, or even just force me to do things even if every fiber in my being doesn't want to, but I've got nothing anymore. Nobody to cheer me on or support me, nobody to support in return. Everyone has a someone except me.
I don't even mean romantically, I could hardly care about that sort of thing, just someone who understands you and you understand them back.

I'm out of ideas. I don't know what's next, or how, or why. I'm tired.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

It's okay, mate. We're all struggling. You're with a community of people who do. However you choose to go forward, the community will support you. Even if you feel like you've got no one, mate, you've got us, at least me. Wishing you lots of love and a peaceful sleep

 

[SASU-KE]

Hi Sua,sorry you're back.If I'm not mistaken, you're talking about your mother. I lost my mother too recently. It's really difficult. doesn't matter how many people are around you or how many friends you have or other relatives you're in contact with,the relationship with your mother is special and irreplaceable.

Even when you have other relationships, that one relationship is gone and can never be replaced by anyone else. I miss the way I used to speak with her and how we used to go back and forth. There were things I could talk about only with her.

Were you sheltered by your parents as a child?

 

[suacide]

It's okay, mate. We're all struggling. You're with a community of people who do. However you choose to go forward, the community will support you. Even if you feel like you've got no one, mate, you've got us, at least me. Wishing you lots of love and a peaceful sleep

Thank you, really. I think that's why I find myself always coming back here. It's full of people that always understand me no matter how crazy I might sound to people outside of the experience. Lots of love and happy wishes to you too friend

Hi Sua,sorry you're back.If I'm not mistaken, you're talking about your mother. I lost my mother too recently. It's really difficult. doesn't matter how many people are around you or how many friends you have or other relatives you're in contact with,the relationship with your mother is special and irreplaceable.

Even when you have other relationships, that one relationship is gone and can never be replaced by anyone else. I miss the way I used to speak with her and how we used to go back and forth. There were things I could talk about only with her.

Were you sheltered by your parents as a child?

Hello friend
I'm so sorry you had to experience that too. There's truly no worse pain in my mind and I just hope that both for you and me it can someday get earlier. If you ever want to talk about it specifically, know I'm here and I'll understand that topic full well and my heart is with you.

That's truer than I could say, and really beautifully put. I feel like in a way most people have an identity reserved only for the time you spend with your mother. A side nobody else knows and truthes you yourself carry about her alone once she's gone. But it's a miracle and the greatest honour that we ever got to be the children of those wonderful women too, I believe that deeply.

I feel like it'd make more sense if that was the entire truth… I was sheltered in the sense I wasn't really allowed to socialise properly as my mother was scared over the kinds of influences they could've been on me, and my father was an angry, scary man. Though by the time I was around 7, I ended up getting parentified and my mother ended up treating me less like a daughter and more like a best friend or sometimes even her mother or someone she told every little issue took including ones I really shouldn't have known. In my teens I made calls for her, sorted out issues, consoled her and she still continued to tell me things like I was a confidant including how my father apparently felt about us both and well… now that she's gone, I know that it was emotional incest, but somehow that's never really faltered how I see her.
I know for sure it all damaged me in a way that I know is going to be a struggle to ever recover from, but I also can't say I hated those times either because at least I was by her side.
I feel like with her, because it was always *for her* I could do a lot, but now that I am by myself I can't do anything for me.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Thank you, really. I think that's why I find myself always coming back here. It's full of people that always understand me no matter how crazy I might sound to people outside of the experience. Lots of love and happy wishes to you too friend

I'm glad I could help, mate. Truly. Brings me joy to see I can still help people, so thank you too, my friend. Come to me if you ever need a word of reassurance, mate