I've never wanted to CTB more because of the BPD abandonment cycle.

[Naked Weapon]

Every day it's been the same. Ever since I started planning to CTB, I cling to my boyfriend all day; when he leaves to go back to his place or spend time to himself, I feel upset and scared and like I can't be left alone, so I freak out and desperately try to get him to stay. In response to this, my boyfriend gets uncomfortable and says he needs space, sometimes for days. On the nights which I drive him away, I have never wanted to CTB more due to loneliness and the thought that I'm unwanted (at least in my current state). I know that I won't have to worry about this painful cycle in a few weeks if all goes according to plan, but mein Gott does it hurt. I feel like an abandoned toddler.

In short, fuck BPD.