sourcherry
Member
- Mar 3, 2026
- 50
hello.
im just speaking into the void but i thought id just yapp and maybe some people will find it helpful/relate.
my main source of stress/si is from hitting life goals. i have parents who really wanted me to be perfect and solve all their problems for them.
i dont think i really understood it until high school - it went from "oh you could do better" to grades seemed like life or death.
i did end up going to a highly ranked college on a academic scholarship but it wasn't ivy league and i wasn't going to be a dr. i became severely depressed my junior year and constantly thought about leaping out from my dorm window. the school also had a very tall library that was 7 floors with an open staircase. there were rumors the top 2 floors were blocked and rails were added bc students leapt to their death. the first floor also had a strange cubic pattern that when looked at from a high place it gave an optical illusion that looked like the floor was covered in spikes. (intentional?? idk)
i graduated with no student debt. but i couldn't find a stable job. then a bunch of world stuff happened covid, bad economy, x2 trump.
meanwhile my parents split. (not officially by divorce. my dad literally ran away. we were already not financially great but this created additional stress bc i wasn't succeeding)
my mom decided on her own - that the next step was grad school and that i should pivot and become a teacher. i didn't want to be a teacher. but i worked some and saved enough money to go to grad school to get a master's. i tried to compromise with my mom and picked the top school for the industry i was aiming for. i tried to show her that alumni from this program graduate and land amazing jobs.
the first half of the year was pretty great. i loved what i was doing. i was away from home living with two ppl who minded their own biz. i had a huge room with a walk-in closet. i didn't have to care about freaking out my mom about what i wore or what schedule i was keeping. i did have to take out loans to pay tuition but i got a scholarship that first semester that cut the entire tuition for that first year in half.
but then in the last semester - the pressure was building again from landing summer internships. as people slowly got their placements for the summer - i worried constantly about my grades (even tho it didn't matter in grad school). i nitpicked all my projects, i constantly compared myself to people who were mentally stronger than me. the smallest amount of feedback destroyed my self-confidence and worth. i could no longer function from insomnia and i thought about CTB all the time again. it was so frequent. anywhere i was i would picture myself CTB. it was kinda funny too in hindsight bc someone would be yapping at me and i would daydream about CTB while answering them. i started to cry everyday. i never did that before.
eventually all the extreme stress, no sleep, no food, ignoring people caught up to me and i had a mental breakdown. i had a big project due the next day and i couldn't get my mind or body to finish it. instead i tried to hang myself in the walk-in closet. i failed. felt emotionally vulnerable and weak so i admitted myself to the psych ward. it was okay. i got officially diagnosed with anxiety/MDD. i got meds. i talked to a psych and therapist.
i got out of the ward on my birthday. one of my roommates remembered it was my bday and bought me a slice of carrot cake. they didn't know i was in the psych ward the whole week but it was nice to be treated normally after going through all that mess. i landed a summer internship at a big well-known company in my home city. the school extended the time so i can finish the projects during the summer. i didn't tell my mom about the psych ward/mental breakdown but she noticed i was taking meds. and she didnt like that. mental health issues is taboo in our culture. i still couldn't eat well and lost a lot of weight. i spent that summer working the internship in a daze. i can't even remember what i was doing. everything felt fake. i hated being around other people. i ended up sabotaging my intern project and i didn't complete my grad school projects in-time by the deadline. i was then officially kicked out of the program.
i had another mental breakdown, tried to CTB again, cops were called and i was forced into a psych ward this time. it was not good maybe bc its inner city?? they threatened to sedate me everytime i didn't obey. they had seriously unhinged/violent people mixed in with suicidal people. it was the first time i ever felt really unsafe in a hospital. i got out the next day. but my mom knew everything now. that was also pretty bad.
i felt so much guilt and anger for being a failure and constantly sabotaging my opportunities. i was so fucking numb by then. my mom still wanted me to finish grad school so i pushed myself to start the appeal to reverse kicking me out. it was a confusing mess that involved more stress. i was stuck back at home eventually watching my classmates graduate and land their first jobs. the school eventually took me back but i would have to repeat that last semester with the next incoming class. i agreed bc idk what else to do. i ended up paying more out of pocket and had to take an additional loan to afford it. i managed to graduate, got my masters, and landed intern-to-hire FT role at a big company. i continued to take my meds but i stopped therapy/psych due to not having insurance anymore.
it was everything i wanted. that i worked so hard for. i was supposed to feel validated and ready to become a real adult. i ended up with a bad manager. i tried to make the best of it but i became numb. my anxiety grew the more i had to interact with this manager. CTB became my obsession again and i would check SaSu everyday to learn what i could do. at the end the recruiter told me they couldn't hire me FT. it felt like a repeat of how i fucked up my first internship.
i wasn't good enough. i went back home feeling like i had nothing to show for it. its been about 8 months now since. my mom continues to pressure me everyday about not doing enough and not making money. additional family problems have happened. the stress landed me in the psych ward for a third time.
but when i got out i decided to search for SN seriously. i managed to buy from a US source literally in the state next over. (i did need a biz address tho) i was a little baffled by how easy it was to get despite other people on SaSu having issues. the only thing i got flagged by was that SN is a material for making bombs apparently but the alert cleared quickly.
this is what it says on the bottle label:
sodium nitrite. CAS: 7632-00-0. mw: 69.00 grade: fcc
i probs still need to test it. but im not in a rush. i cant get benzos or the anti-vomit med but i do have seroquel and i bought tagamet/numbing throat spray. ive been slowly selling my things while i do job interviews. ive been looking up pretty hotel rooms to CTB in. its easier now since i have the SN in my hands but im still depressed. i can't really see a future beyond me finally landing a FT job. idk i feel like im going to fuck it up again.
and ive told myself before that all im worth is making enough money to retire my mom. hopefully ill be able to do that before she dies from old age or USA blows up.
maybe i wont feel like a failure then. thanks for reading my yapp!
im just speaking into the void but i thought id just yapp and maybe some people will find it helpful/relate.
my main source of stress/si is from hitting life goals. i have parents who really wanted me to be perfect and solve all their problems for them.
i dont think i really understood it until high school - it went from "oh you could do better" to grades seemed like life or death.
i did end up going to a highly ranked college on a academic scholarship but it wasn't ivy league and i wasn't going to be a dr. i became severely depressed my junior year and constantly thought about leaping out from my dorm window. the school also had a very tall library that was 7 floors with an open staircase. there were rumors the top 2 floors were blocked and rails were added bc students leapt to their death. the first floor also had a strange cubic pattern that when looked at from a high place it gave an optical illusion that looked like the floor was covered in spikes. (intentional?? idk)
i graduated with no student debt. but i couldn't find a stable job. then a bunch of world stuff happened covid, bad economy, x2 trump.
meanwhile my parents split. (not officially by divorce. my dad literally ran away. we were already not financially great but this created additional stress bc i wasn't succeeding)
my mom decided on her own - that the next step was grad school and that i should pivot and become a teacher. i didn't want to be a teacher. but i worked some and saved enough money to go to grad school to get a master's. i tried to compromise with my mom and picked the top school for the industry i was aiming for. i tried to show her that alumni from this program graduate and land amazing jobs.
the first half of the year was pretty great. i loved what i was doing. i was away from home living with two ppl who minded their own biz. i had a huge room with a walk-in closet. i didn't have to care about freaking out my mom about what i wore or what schedule i was keeping. i did have to take out loans to pay tuition but i got a scholarship that first semester that cut the entire tuition for that first year in half.
but then in the last semester - the pressure was building again from landing summer internships. as people slowly got their placements for the summer - i worried constantly about my grades (even tho it didn't matter in grad school). i nitpicked all my projects, i constantly compared myself to people who were mentally stronger than me. the smallest amount of feedback destroyed my self-confidence and worth. i could no longer function from insomnia and i thought about CTB all the time again. it was so frequent. anywhere i was i would picture myself CTB. it was kinda funny too in hindsight bc someone would be yapping at me and i would daydream about CTB while answering them. i started to cry everyday. i never did that before.
eventually all the extreme stress, no sleep, no food, ignoring people caught up to me and i had a mental breakdown. i had a big project due the next day and i couldn't get my mind or body to finish it. instead i tried to hang myself in the walk-in closet. i failed. felt emotionally vulnerable and weak so i admitted myself to the psych ward. it was okay. i got officially diagnosed with anxiety/MDD. i got meds. i talked to a psych and therapist.
i got out of the ward on my birthday. one of my roommates remembered it was my bday and bought me a slice of carrot cake. they didn't know i was in the psych ward the whole week but it was nice to be treated normally after going through all that mess. i landed a summer internship at a big well-known company in my home city. the school extended the time so i can finish the projects during the summer. i didn't tell my mom about the psych ward/mental breakdown but she noticed i was taking meds. and she didnt like that. mental health issues is taboo in our culture. i still couldn't eat well and lost a lot of weight. i spent that summer working the internship in a daze. i can't even remember what i was doing. everything felt fake. i hated being around other people. i ended up sabotaging my intern project and i didn't complete my grad school projects in-time by the deadline. i was then officially kicked out of the program.
i had another mental breakdown, tried to CTB again, cops were called and i was forced into a psych ward this time. it was not good maybe bc its inner city?? they threatened to sedate me everytime i didn't obey. they had seriously unhinged/violent people mixed in with suicidal people. it was the first time i ever felt really unsafe in a hospital. i got out the next day. but my mom knew everything now. that was also pretty bad.
i felt so much guilt and anger for being a failure and constantly sabotaging my opportunities. i was so fucking numb by then. my mom still wanted me to finish grad school so i pushed myself to start the appeal to reverse kicking me out. it was a confusing mess that involved more stress. i was stuck back at home eventually watching my classmates graduate and land their first jobs. the school eventually took me back but i would have to repeat that last semester with the next incoming class. i agreed bc idk what else to do. i ended up paying more out of pocket and had to take an additional loan to afford it. i managed to graduate, got my masters, and landed intern-to-hire FT role at a big company. i continued to take my meds but i stopped therapy/psych due to not having insurance anymore.
it was everything i wanted. that i worked so hard for. i was supposed to feel validated and ready to become a real adult. i ended up with a bad manager. i tried to make the best of it but i became numb. my anxiety grew the more i had to interact with this manager. CTB became my obsession again and i would check SaSu everyday to learn what i could do. at the end the recruiter told me they couldn't hire me FT. it felt like a repeat of how i fucked up my first internship.
i wasn't good enough. i went back home feeling like i had nothing to show for it. its been about 8 months now since. my mom continues to pressure me everyday about not doing enough and not making money. additional family problems have happened. the stress landed me in the psych ward for a third time.
but when i got out i decided to search for SN seriously. i managed to buy from a US source literally in the state next over. (i did need a biz address tho) i was a little baffled by how easy it was to get despite other people on SaSu having issues. the only thing i got flagged by was that SN is a material for making bombs apparently but the alert cleared quickly.
this is what it says on the bottle label:
sodium nitrite. CAS: 7632-00-0. mw: 69.00 grade: fcc
i probs still need to test it. but im not in a rush. i cant get benzos or the anti-vomit med but i do have seroquel and i bought tagamet/numbing throat spray. ive been slowly selling my things while i do job interviews. ive been looking up pretty hotel rooms to CTB in. its easier now since i have the SN in my hands but im still depressed. i can't really see a future beyond me finally landing a FT job. idk i feel like im going to fuck it up again.
and ive told myself before that all im worth is making enough money to retire my mom. hopefully ill be able to do that before she dies from old age or USA blows up.
maybe i wont feel like a failure then. thanks for reading my yapp!
