Discussion I've got little time left but got problems with 2 methods

[NegevChina]

I've already understood I cant afford to fail my CTB attempt. For that reason I've chosen jumping instead of CO, from 9th floor, even developed a method to hit the ground head first. The problem is this will probably traumatize many residence of the building including children.
I'm now considering CTB by train because chances are only the driver may be traumatized.
In order to do that I need to get a ladder in to my car, drive to train track location at around 2 am, park the car in a field next to the tracks, carry the ladder to the protective unclimbable fence, somehow get to the other side, hide the ladder, wait for the train to arrive and then fight to overcome my SI. I cant find a location where tracks are not protected by a fence anywhere in my surrounding arrears between cities.
What worries me the most is getting caught by the police before I succeed or just being pulled over and needing to explain what I'm doing with a ladder in my car at 2am. I don't think I can survive a police questioning/interrogation or even arrest. I'm to weak, probably be taken in bad condition to the Psych Ward and I honestly don't think I'll survive that. So this method is much more likely to fail badly.
Cant source SN here and don't have time anyway.
How bad a person will i be if i just jump?

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find what you search for, to me it feels so cruel how it's so difficult to cease existing.

 

[heyhoherewego]

I've already understood I cant afford to fail my CTB attempt. For that reason I've chosen jumping instead of CO, from 9th floor, even developed a method to hit the ground head first. The problem is this will probably traumatize many residence of the building including children.
I'm now considering CTB by train because chances are only the driver may be traumatized.
In order to do that I need to get a ladder in to my car, drive to train track location at around 2 am, park the car in a field next to the tracks, carry the ladder to the protective unclimbable fence, somehow get to the other side, hide the ladder, wait for the train to arrive and then fight to overcome my SI. I cant find a location where tracks are not protected by a fence anywhere in my surrounding arrears between cities.
What worries me the most is getting caught by the police before I succeed or just being pulled over and needing to explain what I'm doing with a ladder in my car at 2am. I don't think I can survive a police questioning/interrogation or even arrest. I'm to weak, probably be taken in bad condition to the Psych Ward and I honestly don't think I'll survive that. So this method is much more likely to fail badly.
Cant source SN here and don't have time anyway.
How bad a person will i be if i just jump?

jumping and train have to be some of the hardest methods just because of SI
now i dont know how strongly you will feel it, and neither will you until you attempt, but today i had everything set up to hang myself and i just couldnt, I tried for 30 minutes.
i cant even imagine how difficult it would be to jump, or stand infront of a train and stay put.
goodluck with whatever happens

 

[DrinkyCrow]

How bad a person will i be if i just jump?

I think most bad people wouldn't even ask themselves questions like this.

I would still encourage you to maybe avoid that option, for the reason you mentioned.

 

[NegevChina]

jumping and train have to be some of the hardest methods just because of SI
now i dont know how strongly you will feel it, and neither will you until you attempt, but today i had everything set up to hang myself and i just couldnt, I tried for 30 minutes.
i cant even imagine how difficult it would be to jump, or stand infront of a train and stay put.
goodluck with whatever happens

these methods are difficult to initiate but once you manage to they are very reliable.
How are you feeling now after not succeeding? are you feeling worse then before or relived that you tried?

 

[heyhoherewego]

these methods are difficult to initiate but once you manage to they are very reliable.
How are you feeling now after not succeeding? are you feeling worse then before or relived that you tried?

mixed feelings honestly. initially i was devastated because i had it all worked out, extensively planned. all for nothing.
but then i thought that i still learned alot from this, and it would make the next time easier, and if it doesnt work the next time, i can go again and again and again. trying to be optimistic. funny thing isnt it, being optimistic about killing yourself.

 

[NegevChina]

mixed feelings honestly. initially i was devastated because i had it all worked out, extensively planned. all for nothing.
but then i thought that i still learned alot from this, and it would make the next time easier, and if it doesnt work the next time, i can go again and again and again. trying to be optimistic. funny thing isnt it, being optimistic about killing yourself.

the saying that "a pessimist is an optimist with lots of experience" should not be used in our case.
rather for us "an optimist is a pessimist with lots of experience"