mymelodie
New Member
- May 17, 2023
- 1
Hi everyone
I'm nervous coming to chat like this, mostly as I've been conditioned to believe venting is a bad thing.
I'm 23, 24 in a few weeks, for better or worse. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and Borderline personality disorder, and I'm 99% sure I'm autistic. I live with chronic pain in my legs that make me think about cutting them off. I've been s/hing since I was 13 and suicidal since I was 14. I've always made plans to ctb but (obviously) have never followed through.
Now I feel stuck. I never expected to live past 16. I don't feel like I have any goals in life and I'm worried I'm bringing everyone else down with me, unintentionally.
I'm currently on a summer break with college, and trying to find a job. I was called several weeks ago to say that, while it wasn't on official offer for the job, provided my background check was okay I'd be in the clear to start mid may. Well. It's mid may now. I sent in my request for the background check and haven't heard anything. I don't have any sort of record or blacklist or anything. I'm losing hope of getting it each day and despite sending applications to multiple other spots, I've heard nothing. I've even tried messaging them after a few days stating I'm available. I'm so frustrated because I just feel like a burden on my boyfriend who's currently trying to provide for us.
I live with my boyfriend, who I love immensely. Words alone cannot express how much I care for him. But I know he's been struggling himself. And I cannot help but feel it's my fault, partially for the reasons stated above. He's struggling with intrusive thoughts and symptoms of depression. I've tried to encourage him to avail of counselling services that are offered through his work, however we both end up forgetting. Admittedly, I can't handle other people's stress well, so if I sense he's upset, I become afraid. To be clear, he's done nothing to make me afraid specifically, but thanks to multiple abusive relationships in my life and BPD, I associate being upset to having it taken out on me. I've been trying to supress my outward reactions to give him space to feel what he needs to, but I don't think it's working. I'm trying to get counselling services myself and to get myself into DBT.
The mental health system here is shit though. I feel like as soon as I turned 18, the adult system left me out to dry. I've tried to admit myself twice since 2020, saying that I was afraid of making myself ctbing, and each time they deemed me not suicidal enough. I see ppl on tiktok talk about how they have to be careful what they say to their therapists so they don't get sectioned, and I feel like I have the exact opposite problem. I say if they send me home, I may try ctbing and they're like "eh"
Good luck trying to see a psychiatrist or therapist with the public system too. Waitlist is 2+ years. I still haven't been called by one. I've lost hope with trying to get myself help besides a couple of sessions with a counsellor once in a while. I know it's hypocritical of me to say this while I'm encouraging my bf to seek help while he's struggling, but I'm hoping he has more luck with it than I do.
Now I'm here. I don't know if I'll try ctbing again. I want to, but guilt is gnawing at me. I've had my parents tell me if I go down they'd come down with me. I think everyone's better off without me though. I think I'm a nightmare person to be around, despite what other may say. I'm neurotic and a hypocrite. I don't have anything meaningful to add to a conversation. I just suck other peoples life forces dry. Why bother keeping me alive? I'm nothing more than a tumor to others. I don't even enjoy it. I think about running away in the middle of the night. Just leave so no one has to deal with me anymore. I don't even necessarily want to ctb but I just don't want to hurt anymore. I wish they'd all just tell me how much of a burden I am on them, that they do actually hate me and hate being around me and hate my stupid issues. It would make things easier for everyone. I wish I went through with my very first plan, at least then I wouldn't have had to drag people through the mud.
If you made it this far, thanks. Still debating on trying to go through with another plan, but I feel like I'd just be taking attention away from others.
Any advice, comments, etc are welcome.
I'm nervous coming to chat like this, mostly as I've been conditioned to believe venting is a bad thing.
I'm 23, 24 in a few weeks, for better or worse. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and Borderline personality disorder, and I'm 99% sure I'm autistic. I live with chronic pain in my legs that make me think about cutting them off. I've been s/hing since I was 13 and suicidal since I was 14. I've always made plans to ctb but (obviously) have never followed through.
Now I feel stuck. I never expected to live past 16. I don't feel like I have any goals in life and I'm worried I'm bringing everyone else down with me, unintentionally.
I'm currently on a summer break with college, and trying to find a job. I was called several weeks ago to say that, while it wasn't on official offer for the job, provided my background check was okay I'd be in the clear to start mid may. Well. It's mid may now. I sent in my request for the background check and haven't heard anything. I don't have any sort of record or blacklist or anything. I'm losing hope of getting it each day and despite sending applications to multiple other spots, I've heard nothing. I've even tried messaging them after a few days stating I'm available. I'm so frustrated because I just feel like a burden on my boyfriend who's currently trying to provide for us.
I live with my boyfriend, who I love immensely. Words alone cannot express how much I care for him. But I know he's been struggling himself. And I cannot help but feel it's my fault, partially for the reasons stated above. He's struggling with intrusive thoughts and symptoms of depression. I've tried to encourage him to avail of counselling services that are offered through his work, however we both end up forgetting. Admittedly, I can't handle other people's stress well, so if I sense he's upset, I become afraid. To be clear, he's done nothing to make me afraid specifically, but thanks to multiple abusive relationships in my life and BPD, I associate being upset to having it taken out on me. I've been trying to supress my outward reactions to give him space to feel what he needs to, but I don't think it's working. I'm trying to get counselling services myself and to get myself into DBT.
The mental health system here is shit though. I feel like as soon as I turned 18, the adult system left me out to dry. I've tried to admit myself twice since 2020, saying that I was afraid of making myself ctbing, and each time they deemed me not suicidal enough. I see ppl on tiktok talk about how they have to be careful what they say to their therapists so they don't get sectioned, and I feel like I have the exact opposite problem. I say if they send me home, I may try ctbing and they're like "eh"
Good luck trying to see a psychiatrist or therapist with the public system too. Waitlist is 2+ years. I still haven't been called by one. I've lost hope with trying to get myself help besides a couple of sessions with a counsellor once in a while. I know it's hypocritical of me to say this while I'm encouraging my bf to seek help while he's struggling, but I'm hoping he has more luck with it than I do.
Now I'm here. I don't know if I'll try ctbing again. I want to, but guilt is gnawing at me. I've had my parents tell me if I go down they'd come down with me. I think everyone's better off without me though. I think I'm a nightmare person to be around, despite what other may say. I'm neurotic and a hypocrite. I don't have anything meaningful to add to a conversation. I just suck other peoples life forces dry. Why bother keeping me alive? I'm nothing more than a tumor to others. I don't even enjoy it. I think about running away in the middle of the night. Just leave so no one has to deal with me anymore. I don't even necessarily want to ctb but I just don't want to hurt anymore. I wish they'd all just tell me how much of a burden I am on them, that they do actually hate me and hate being around me and hate my stupid issues. It would make things easier for everyone. I wish I went through with my very first plan, at least then I wouldn't have had to drag people through the mud.
If you made it this far, thanks. Still debating on trying to go through with another plan, but I feel like I'd just be taking attention away from others.
Any advice, comments, etc are welcome.
