letthelightin
Member
- Jun 24, 2023
- 5
Edit: i live in the US
Hi. I'm sorry for the lengthy post. I'll share a bit of my journey first. End of 2022 I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt that landed me in the ICU followed by inpatient care. I felt like I was already dead. The psychological and nerve damage that followed was an even bigger hell and it completely changed and mutilated the way I used to live my daily life. I joined SS in 2023 in hopes of finding a way to painlessly CTB. As I was getting close to my planned date and had my SN shipped, I started feeling incredibly at ease and more peace than I have ever felt before. A family member mentioned IV Ketamine treatment, to which I agreed yet I was still very set on my SN + antiem plan- until I had my first IV treatment. I felt the child-like joy that I thought I lost through my years of surviving. After my full treatment, I came to realise that there was an expiration date on that K-induced joy. The people around me started noticing that I was full of life again, and I wanted to keep it this way because of my immense fear of disappointing those around me. I have been physically forcing myself to "be normal" and actually live my life just to see those around me smile and be proud of me etc. etc.
And then comes 2024. I am emotionally dying inside. Convincing people I'm okay and then screaming and crying and hurting myself tremendously when im alone. I felt physical pain and disgust having to put on this mask that I'm okay because if I wasn't then: "what was the point of the IV treatments? The countless therapists? You're not even trying and we have to bend over backwards and be on our tippy toes around you when you're feeling bad." My mom's famous words. The entirety of 2024 was a malicious cycle of forcing a smile on my face, eventual burnout, and then disappointment.
And now, 2025. I am miserable. Constantly anxious about how my behaviour will affect those around me. I have lost and damaged so many relationships this year already due to my isolation and emotional reactions. I try!!!!!!!! I try!!!!!! so fucking hard to just be okay. Every single day feels like the longest marathon of my life. I'm done, and I'm ready to go.
Please. I ask of anyone with an open mind and heart to help me figure out a way. My SN source is nowhere to be found on the internet anymore. I am thinking of exit bag + nitrogen or helium. I'd really prefer SN but at this point anything will suffice. I would be so grateful if anyone could message me privately with any information on sourcing some things for this.
I am seeking eternal peace more than anything I have ever wanted. I'm a living corpse and it's time for me to feel that joy, I once felt, again in eternity. Much love to every single one of you, the only ones that understand me.
-R
Hi. I'm sorry for the lengthy post. I'll share a bit of my journey first. End of 2022 I had an unsuccessful suicide attempt that landed me in the ICU followed by inpatient care. I felt like I was already dead. The psychological and nerve damage that followed was an even bigger hell and it completely changed and mutilated the way I used to live my daily life. I joined SS in 2023 in hopes of finding a way to painlessly CTB. As I was getting close to my planned date and had my SN shipped, I started feeling incredibly at ease and more peace than I have ever felt before. A family member mentioned IV Ketamine treatment, to which I agreed yet I was still very set on my SN + antiem plan- until I had my first IV treatment. I felt the child-like joy that I thought I lost through my years of surviving. After my full treatment, I came to realise that there was an expiration date on that K-induced joy. The people around me started noticing that I was full of life again, and I wanted to keep it this way because of my immense fear of disappointing those around me. I have been physically forcing myself to "be normal" and actually live my life just to see those around me smile and be proud of me etc. etc.
And then comes 2024. I am emotionally dying inside. Convincing people I'm okay and then screaming and crying and hurting myself tremendously when im alone. I felt physical pain and disgust having to put on this mask that I'm okay because if I wasn't then: "what was the point of the IV treatments? The countless therapists? You're not even trying and we have to bend over backwards and be on our tippy toes around you when you're feeling bad." My mom's famous words. The entirety of 2024 was a malicious cycle of forcing a smile on my face, eventual burnout, and then disappointment.
And now, 2025. I am miserable. Constantly anxious about how my behaviour will affect those around me. I have lost and damaged so many relationships this year already due to my isolation and emotional reactions. I try!!!!!!!! I try!!!!!! so fucking hard to just be okay. Every single day feels like the longest marathon of my life. I'm done, and I'm ready to go.
Please. I ask of anyone with an open mind and heart to help me figure out a way. My SN source is nowhere to be found on the internet anymore. I am thinking of exit bag + nitrogen or helium. I'd really prefer SN but at this point anything will suffice. I would be so grateful if anyone could message me privately with any information on sourcing some things for this.
I am seeking eternal peace more than anything I have ever wanted. I'm a living corpse and it's time for me to feel that joy, I once felt, again in eternity. Much love to every single one of you, the only ones that understand me.
-R
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