Discussion It's been a while

[KattinKai!]

I haven't been posting much. Truth is, I've been trying to feel comfortable in my body and hang out with my girlfriend to try and continue living, but then, I'm reminded of everything I went through, and I'll go through more knowing I'm actually a demi-man. So I've decided. I'll try to get a handgun somewhere after New Year. Whether it's in January or not is up for debate, but I need a handgun. I want to shoot those thoughts out of my brain before I get into a mental institute because I find myself having more increasingly violent urges with each day passing, and we can't have me roaming as a danger, can we? I'm a danger to everyone anyways. And myself. So I'll fix that. I just need to get a gun, however, and learn how to work it. I'll likely save up for one, or something, and then put it under my chin, and boom! I'm done living my pathetic existence in which I get hurt and hurt others. I've finally come to terms with the fact I want to die, and will be planning to. I'll overshare my thoughts more in the future though, maybe try drawing and singing.

 

[honeythunder]

Hey man, hope you're making it through. What was everything you went through?

 

[KattinKai!]

Hey man, hope you're making it through. What was everything you went through?

Just a bunch of bullying, gaslighting, being held down and hit during meltdowns, being hit worse when I fought back, yelling, insulting, uncomfortable comments about my body, having my chest touched, and being told to undress. Most of it was from my family, and the rest would be at school all when I was younger, and here I am, stuck wondering if it's all my fault. I'm halfway convinced I deserved this

 

[honeythunder]

You absolutely did not deserve that. Even criminals dont get attacked or groped. Are you out of those situations now? How long ago was it?

 

[KattinKai!]

You absolutely did not deserve that. Even criminals dont get attacked or groped. Are you out of those situations now? How long ago was it?

Not being hit, not being groped anymore, but being told I "needed to get held down" doesn't do wonders in family arguments, so idk anymore

 

[Gangrel]

you don't deserve any of it, it's okay man

 

[KattinKai!]

you don't deserve any of it, it's okay man

None of it's okay. I wish I didn't have this internal battle.