just a dumb rant
every day feels meaningless and wasted. if im not busy, i sit around feeling like shit and beating myself up for not doing something productive. if i'm going something productive, then i just feel irritated over how fucking boring and pointless it is. im almost done with my degree and it just feels useless and like it's been a waste of time. four years of incredibly hard work are amounting to absolutely nothing. i can't get a job anywhere, not even the grocery stores and restaurants i'm applying for because they aren't actually hiring anyone despite having listings. even if i do get hired somewhere, i will never make enough money to be able to afford to move out of my shitty abusive household. nobody can afford to live anymore and it's likely going to stay that way for the foreseeable future, and i dont want to be a part of that.
really the only emotion i feel anymore is that irritation and annoyance. other than that, i feel empty and dead. i dont get any enjoyment out of hobbies or interests anymore. i go to the gym and just feel nothing. im not proud of the progress i make with my running and weightlifting, i just feel slightly irritated because it makes my body sore and the time goes by so slowly. i try to work on art and craft projects and i dont feel happy while doing them and i dont feel proud of them if i ever finish them. i just get frustrated when i inevitably fuck them up and end up quitting. i dont get any enjoyment out of watching movies or playing video games or listening to music anymore. i just feel like shit for not being productive or i feel numb and like i'm doing something pointless. none of my hobbies make me happy, if anything they just make me annoyed.
i have pretty much destroyed any and all relationships in my life. most of my friends have moved away and i don't have the energy to keep up with them over phone and text, and they dont reach out to me, so those have faded away. i rarely get to see the friends who still live near me because theyre busy with work and school and im busy with school, and we rarely have overlapping free time. when we do, my friends want to go on long day trips and go hiking and do other stuff that i cant make myself do anymore. and they always want me to pay for everything even though i dont have a job and they do. i have some online friends who i bonded over shared interests with and used to be close to but i've managed to fuck up most of those friendships by being irritable and always depressed and making them not want to talk to me. i have shitty relationships with my family because my parents were abusive when i was a kid and they're mostly normal now, but i can't forget what they did to me so i struggle to be close to them.
the only thing i enjoy even a little bit is riding horses. i only get to do that once a week because riding lessons are expensive. i used to have a horse of my own and she was really the only thing i had left to live for but she died last year. this past sunday was the anniversary of her death. i dont think i will ever be able to afford a horse of my own ever again. even though its the only thing i enjoy sometimes, riding horses still manages to make me feel like shit pretty often. i used to be very good at it until i shattered my entire right leg in a freak accident, permanently affecting my mobility and confidence. i have gotten back to riding after being terrified of it for a while and im a lot more confident with it now, but my mobility will never be the same and i will never be as good as i was before.
i dont have anything to live for and the world is becoming something i don't want to continue being a part of. life is horrible for most people on earth and i feel bad for complaining when there's people in significantly worse conditions than i am but it doesn't change the fact that i;m miserable. and even if all political and human rights issues were solved overnight, the planet and everything on it is still dying and i'd like to die before it gets much worse.
every day feels meaningless and wasted. if im not busy, i sit around feeling like shit and beating myself up for not doing something productive. if i'm going something productive, then i just feel irritated over how fucking boring and pointless it is. im almost done with my degree and it just feels useless and like it's been a waste of time. four years of incredibly hard work are amounting to absolutely nothing. i can't get a job anywhere, not even the grocery stores and restaurants i'm applying for because they aren't actually hiring anyone despite having listings. even if i do get hired somewhere, i will never make enough money to be able to afford to move out of my shitty abusive household. nobody can afford to live anymore and it's likely going to stay that way for the foreseeable future, and i dont want to be a part of that.
really the only emotion i feel anymore is that irritation and annoyance. other than that, i feel empty and dead. i dont get any enjoyment out of hobbies or interests anymore. i go to the gym and just feel nothing. im not proud of the progress i make with my running and weightlifting, i just feel slightly irritated because it makes my body sore and the time goes by so slowly. i try to work on art and craft projects and i dont feel happy while doing them and i dont feel proud of them if i ever finish them. i just get frustrated when i inevitably fuck them up and end up quitting. i dont get any enjoyment out of watching movies or playing video games or listening to music anymore. i just feel like shit for not being productive or i feel numb and like i'm doing something pointless. none of my hobbies make me happy, if anything they just make me annoyed.
i have pretty much destroyed any and all relationships in my life. most of my friends have moved away and i don't have the energy to keep up with them over phone and text, and they dont reach out to me, so those have faded away. i rarely get to see the friends who still live near me because theyre busy with work and school and im busy with school, and we rarely have overlapping free time. when we do, my friends want to go on long day trips and go hiking and do other stuff that i cant make myself do anymore. and they always want me to pay for everything even though i dont have a job and they do. i have some online friends who i bonded over shared interests with and used to be close to but i've managed to fuck up most of those friendships by being irritable and always depressed and making them not want to talk to me. i have shitty relationships with my family because my parents were abusive when i was a kid and they're mostly normal now, but i can't forget what they did to me so i struggle to be close to them.
the only thing i enjoy even a little bit is riding horses. i only get to do that once a week because riding lessons are expensive. i used to have a horse of my own and she was really the only thing i had left to live for but she died last year. this past sunday was the anniversary of her death. i dont think i will ever be able to afford a horse of my own ever again. even though its the only thing i enjoy sometimes, riding horses still manages to make me feel like shit pretty often. i used to be very good at it until i shattered my entire right leg in a freak accident, permanently affecting my mobility and confidence. i have gotten back to riding after being terrified of it for a while and im a lot more confident with it now, but my mobility will never be the same and i will never be as good as i was before.
i dont have anything to live for and the world is becoming something i don't want to continue being a part of. life is horrible for most people on earth and i feel bad for complaining when there's people in significantly worse conditions than i am but it doesn't change the fact that i;m miserable. and even if all political and human rights issues were solved overnight, the planet and everything on it is still dying and i'd like to die before it gets much worse.
world is getting crazy that for sure.
