Venting Is this obsession or love?

[Lamentice]

To make a long story short; I had a very turbulent friendship with someone for 4 years or so. I had a crush on them for a majority chunk of that time & in January last year I told them... the conversation following wasn't reciprocal, but it wasn't anything negative or mean either. Nonetheless soon after that marked the end of our friendship, they disappointed me (for reasons related but not directly tied to that conversation), some things about everything just weren't gonna work out, I held hurt and resentment from the friendship (so did they), and all said and done I stopped contacting them. They didn't contact me either until months later, like 6-8 months later, with a closed ended something like "hope you're doing well" and some hug emoji's. I responded equally close ended at the time, I can't quite remember if they reached out again too, but I didn't have them as a contact in my phone anymore. They texted again in December, still closed ended, and I didn't respond and am not gonna.

Whatever whatever, drama drama, my question is: I have thought about them everyday since cutting contact, for probably hours most days, just thinking about if I could chat with them, how much I miss them, fantasizing about how I wish things could've turned out, blah blah, fluffy romantic unrealistic stuff. When we were friends I thought about them everyday as well and that went on for years. I don't plan on rebuilding any kind of relationship with them and doubt they will ever reach out with anything open ended (if they ever reach out again). Do I just fall intensely? Or is this obsession? I just want them out of my head so I can stop fixating and maybe even meet someone new.

 

[violetforever]

i have a similar situation and problem. i wish it remained as a friendship like yours did. id like to know whats wrong with me. i dont think im sane enough to answer for the both of us if its love or obsession. i think of them everyday and 99% of me knows any type of relationship for us is over and the 1% hopes they will come around again. im not open to meeting anyone new though. they ruined me. i dont know if it affects you this deeply but i want to die over it sometimes. i cant stand having them on my mind all the time.

 

[Lamentice]

i have a similar situation and problem. i wish it remained as a friendship like yours did. id like to know whats wrong with me. i dont think im sane enough to answer for the both of us if its love or obsession. i think of them everyday and 99% of me knows any type of relationship for us is over and the 1% hopes they will come around again. im not open to meeting anyone new though. they ruined me. i dont know if it affects you this deeply but i want to die over it sometimes. i cant stand having them on my mind all the time.

I'm not gonna actively look for anyone, but if the ideal person landed on my doorstep from the sky I'd be open. So idk, I kind of feel ya.

It's very annoying & sad for me, but its never been one of the contributor's to me being suicidal. I'm sorry friend

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's difficult to comment on other people's experiences. Seeing that you don't actually see them now though. That your love is based on memories of them- possibly cherry picked thoughts about them and how you would interact now, I would suspect it might be leaning more towards obsession.

I'm saying that as someone who went through a series of obsessive crushes. I finally came across ther term: 'limerence' and decided they were probably all that for me. YouTube will have video's on it. I remember I watched 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' quite a bit.

 

[Lamentice]

It's difficult to comment on other people's experiences. Seeing that you don't actually see them now though. That your love is based on memories of them- possibly cherry picked thoughts about them and how you would interact now, I would suspect it might be leaning more towards obsession.

I'm saying that as someone who went through a series of obsessive crushes. I finally came across ther term: 'limerence' and decided they were probably all that for me. YouTube will have video's on it. I remember I watched 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' quite a bit.

I appreciate your perspective, I think you're right that since they're not even around anymore it's more likely obsession now...

I've heard of limerence & it does sound like what I experience, I've just always been under the impression that it can't last for years, which makes me think it's obsession. Probably something I should consider getting help for, obsession scares me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I appreciate your perspective, I think you're right that since they're not even around anymore it's more likely obsession now...

I've heard of limerence & it does sound like what I experience, I've just always been under the impression that it can't last for years, which makes me think it's obsession. Probably something I should consider getting help for, obsession scares me.

I'm not sure really. My longest crush lasted for around 7 years. I suppose I see parallels between obsession and limerence.

I suppose also, I feel like it is a form of love. Just one based more on the idea of a person, rather than the whole person. So, more of an idealised, fairytale love. That was my experience anyway.

 

[sillycat]

I hate this feeling. Longing for someone that you know for sure won't be having any sort of connection with again.

 

[SarahThrowsGin]

If you already made the decision that you want them out of your head, it is best focus on that without judging yourself for it. Labeling may be surprisingly counterproductive here, as stigma eats at your perception of your own competence (and reinforce the desire to get connected with someone). Consider whether it is best for both of you to be apart, which happens often in life even when both parties are good people in themselves and did no wrong (not implying it is otherwise here).

This is what I've learned from self-help book I came across (not sure if it is ok to post a link, so holding it off for now, even though it is free pdf download from Internet Archive, explicitly CC-BY licensed and not pirated). Also, it argues that limerence is not a lesser form of love, nor are things called love inherently virtuous as people may trample other's agency if they believe they have a good motive (something that really echoes in my heart because I'm pro-choice and had a lot of run-ins with people who thought what was best for me), so the distinction love=good obsession=bad is wrong either way, and lines should be rather drawn whether people consent to it and whether being together is (or would be) good for them. It argues that Dorothy Tennov intended to validate people's experiences in "Love and Limerence", whereas the term was subsequently hijacked by people who use it pejoratively because they're more concerned with promoting that "common sense" that makes people feel good like pro-lifers feel good when they "prevent suicides" (but not actual suffering).