Is there still a part of you that clings to life even though you just want to die?

[Lost Magic]

Even though I am suicidal I am still doing things to improve my quality of life. I am losing weight and I am hoping to get a hair transplant in London. I also have a nice trip to the Scottish Highlands booked.
I don't know if all of this is counterproductive or not because I really don't want to be here half the time haha. I guess survival instinct and self preservation is the hardest thing to overcome. By the way there is little chance of a full recovery because I have bipolar and other mental health challenges. I also lost some of my dearest family members so life is pretty hard. Things can be so unpredictable and change in the blink of an eye. Strange. Anybody else feel that even though they long to die there is still part of them that wants to cling to life?

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

No, would literally shoot myself right now if I only had a shotgun.

 

[noname223]

I think that's normal. I wish i had a better life. But on the other hand i am realistic and know my options. Life is unfair and I wish I could change it. Maybe dying is a process. You fight back, be angry and then you accept it. Some might recover and finde a purpose in life. For me personally I am pessismistic.

 

[Lost Magic]

No, would literally shoot myself right now if I only had a shotgun.

I know that feeling only too well. I would have done it over a year ago if I had one. Being British is not an option anyway.

I think that's normal. I wish i had a better life. But on the other hand i am realistic and know my options. Life is unfair and I wish I could change it. Maybe dying is a process. You fight back, be angry and then you accept it. Some might recover and finde a purpose in life. For me personally I am pessismistic.

Yes I am a pessimist also. I honestly wish I didn't have these strong feelings about dying. I always wanted a normal life like everybody else but it was never meant to be. I don't know how I am still here to be honest. That fighter instinct is still there, however, I know I am fighting a losing battle.

 

[MoreThanAFeeling]

Yeah ain't easy fighting against 4 billion years of evolution AKA SI

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate.
In spite of wanting to ctb everyday, I've started working again and I'm also learning japanese. What's the point of it if I'll ctb anyway? I dunno but it helps me to keep on going.

 

[Lost Magic]

I can relate.
In spite of wanting to ctb everyday, I've started working again and I'm also learning japanese. What's the point of it if I'll ctb anyway? I dunno but it helps me to keep on going.

You are still living your life the best you can dude and still have things to do despite what may take place in the future. Do you hope to go to Japan sometime?

 

[WornOutLife]

You are still living your life the best you can dude and still have things to do despite what may take place in the future. Do you hope to go to Japan sometime?

Thanks for your words bro. I'm glad we're still struggling with life somehow.
Yes, going to Japan is my dream!
I'm trying to save money. Who knows? My dream might become true some day !
Being in a bed crying and depressed makes me feel just worse so, I guess it's worth trying to fight!

 

[Lost Magic]

Thanks for your words bro. I'm glad we're still struggling with life somehow.
Yes, going to Japan is my dream!
I'm trying to save money. Who knows? My dream might become true some day !
Being in a bed crying and depressed makes me feel just worse so, I guess it's worth trying to fight!

Well you are already in pain mate. Try and get a reward for it. I cry a lot too, especially over the unchangeable past. It is nice to have a bucket list (no matter how short). We are all going to die one day anyway. It is the one thing that we all have in common. Yeah, I encourage you to keep learning Japanese. Then one day you might be there talking away and having some fun with the natives. Just because we are going to die doesn't mean we can't have goals and dreams.

 

[Alec]

I'm sorry about your family members, sending you warm hugs And yes, at least in the past, withers was a time when even though I wanted to die and was actively planning there was still a part of me that firmly believed that something/someone is going to save me and that somehow everything will work out and I will get a chance at a life. Killing myself seemed out of this world or something, like it couldn't be reality, it also felt so cruel that I had to kill myself because of my circumstances that I didn't want to believe that it could be reality. And then there is a survival instinct too.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Hope you have a nice trip, maybe it'll be a bit of reprieve from this pain world. A chance to clear your head and have some much needed peace.

I have similar thoughts, though as others have said, monkey brain self preservation instincts are an absolute bitch to grapple with. Wish I could just remove my entire rhobencephelon complete with that pesky SI, easy peasy.

In my situation, I know objectively that things won't get better. There is no chance of recovery, for I have many chronic illnesses and pains that are not well understood by current science, and my mental anguish from ptsd and autism has been festering since very early childhood.

I've tried over 20 different medications and multiple modalities of therapy. Nothing has managed to improve any of symptoms, usually a new treatment ends up making one of my other conditions worse.

I am like a battered old car that people keep trying to order new parts for in a desperate attempt to start the engine again, because they cannot accept the fact that this sputtering machine is ready for the junk yard.

In spite of being so disabled, I have attempted to cling to life, even when it has been obvious that all hope is lost. My mind is completely fried from all these illness and trauma, yet I have persisted in my education. None of the accommodations I get really help at all, and I get no sympathy or assistance, but I've stayed in university doing a hard stem degree.

I know that failing my exams would lead to me being homeless and even more desolate, so even if I hate this constant struggle, I press on. Every once in a blue moon, I might have a semi good day. Little flickers of contentment or pleasure that trick me into sticking around a bit longer, when I really don't want to.

Recently I went to a real posh coffee shop and got to sit outside in the sunshine, which is quite a rare event in the UK you know, almost as likely as an overdose succeeding. Anyways, I bathed in the warmth of the sunshine and sipped my nice fancy coffee, and it was incredibly serene. However, most enjoyable things in my life are ephemeral.

That happiness was brief, fading away as quickly as it came. Suddenly I was reminded of how sick I am, as the coffee started to burn my stomach. The other people lingering around the area started being loud and screeching noisily, which to an autistic person like myself, is akin to a bonesaw rubbing against the one of squeakiest chalkboards known to man.

Those moments remind me that I can't have anything good in this life. Not even for a minute.

 

[Celerity]

Like I've said elsewhere on this forum, I know that, barring a slip into anhedonic depression (a possibility), I will struggle with that will to live until I put a bullet in my brain.

 

[AE2021]

Everyone expresses so much of what I feel. As always, thanks for sharing all of these deep feelings. This is the only place I go where depression and other mental health issues are really understood. Hearing the goals that you are setting for yourself and still trying to engage in life until it is time to leave this world helps give me some motivation. Hugs to you all.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Yeah. My Dad. He is in bad health and still devastated from the loss of his wife 5 years ago. Also, the one person I live more than anyone alive.

 

[Aeathelina]

Yea even though I am working on a plan to CTB I actually decided to get sober, and I'm about to celebrate my 90 days sober. And also started therapy and going to the doctors for my health issues. Though part of the reason why I decided to get sober is because drinking was the only real joy that I had in my life and now it's gone so it gives me more of a reason to CTB. As fucked as that sounds

 

[Moose.000]

I feel like my just the process of actually carrying the task out is what keeps me here. I have zero fear of what the afterlife consists of and I'm not attached to anything in the physical world. So I guess it's just the methods available, (none of them being easy and enjoyable by any means) is what has prevented me from moving forward. But the day will come.

 

[FuneralCry]

There is an part in my subconscious mind that wants to find pleasure in this existence. It is just superficial as death is our reality and our lives really mean nothing. It is probably because I am scared of the act of CTB rather than dying itself. It is not possible but I do wish I could be free of these thoughts. All my life I have tried to fill an empty void that existed within me but I am now beyond the capacity.

 

[Meh]

Being British is not an option anyway.

This made me chuckle as I interpreted it as you saying been British sucks that much lol I could agree in some ways tbf

 

[AppelduVide]

Honestly, I think no, I experienced what I wanted to experience,and I have no goals or dreams or something else to keep me going
I feel like I'm done with life and wish I could just say "Check,please." and be out .
Literally the only thing that "clings" me to life is my fear of failing the attempt lol