Is there someone you're holding on for?

[xXSarac3nSlay3rXx]

My dog. Pets are the only living beings that are content and can give unconditional love. Humanity is too sick and depraved to be able to do so. I know my dog is afraid of other people, and I wouldn't want her to have to suffer because I died first.

If it weren't for the fact that my cats have a family to take care of them when I'm gone, I probably wouldn't ctb. At least, not until I could arrange for them to be taken care of.

 

[Whatever123]

I was holding on for my only real friend, but they abandoned me and seem to be doing fine without me, so fuck it. My sister died from cancer years ago, so maybe I'll be seeing her? Maybe that's all I need?

 

[Ky204]

Idk it's like today all of a sudden an epiphany hit me and I realized that I seriously have no reason to be here.

 

[Sooniwontbehuman]

My mom and dad. They are going through a lot right now, and it would kill them. Also i dont want to leave them with all my student debt, which they cosigned so I think they would have to pay if it was deemed a suicide.

 

[Whatever123]

Idk it's like today all of a sudden an epiphany hit me and I realized that I seriously have no reason to be here.

Same here. I know now I never meant anything to anyone, except my parents.

Also, question: in my suicide note to to my parents, I was thinking of requesting that my parents write a letter to the only friend I ever had (no longer friends though) so he knows. Is that stupid if he is no longer my friend? Would that person even care?

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

If it weren't for my mom I'd have no problem ending it all. I feel like I'm living almost entirely for her at this point, although maybe I still have a tiny bit of hope. I promised her I wouldn't take my life, and I guess even as low as I've been lately the guilt is overpowering. No parent deserves to find their child's body. When I think about death, the image of her walking into my room and finding me hanging by a rope makes me physically sick. I'm curious if anyone is in a similar boat.

Hi nothingleft,
We share one more feelings
I'm so close to my mother, and each time I want to leave this world, I think about the moment when she'll learn that I'm dead. And it breaks my heart.

 

[Ky204]

Same here. I know now I never meant anything to anyone, except my parents.

Also, question: in my suicide note to to my parents, I was thinking of requesting that my parents write a letter to the only friend I ever had (no longer friends though) so he knows. Is that stupid if he is no longer my friend? Would that person even care?

If he was a important person in your life (no matter at what point), I think it matters that he knows. Especially if he was your only true friend. Maybe you should write the letter to him instead? Since it's personal and you're the only person who can portray your own feelings through your writing.

 

[Whatever123]

I

If he was a important person in your life (no matter at what point), I think it matters that he knows. Especially if he was your only true friend. Maybe you should write the letter to him instead? Since it's personal and you're the only person who can portray your own feelings through your writing.

I think I am going to mail him a note. He doesn't live close so it would be delayed. One of the reasons he cut me off is because I would threaten suicide, so I don't know if a note from me would carry the same weight, which is why I want my parents to let him know. It's all very...complicated.

 

[Ritter]

My family. I actually have an amazing family and wonderful friends.

But the love of my life has passed away and nothing will bring him back and I'm living with so much pain and guilt.

I've got my supplies, just need to find time to make and test it (exit bag). I've also got my will, living will, and financials in order.

My sister turns 30 this month, my family planned a get away at a cabin and I don't want to take that away from them. So I'll have to wait until after...

 

[Rachel74]

Once somebody tried to get me to promise. I cut them out of my life.

I promised my brother, I could not cut him out of my life because he died, I did not speak to him for 5 years before he got cancer as he did not get my illness.

 

[woxihuanni]

I promised my brother, I could not cut him out of my life because he died, I did not speak to him for 5 years before he got cancer as he did not get my illness.

In my case it was none of their damn business, so it was easy yeah. He didn't get your depression?

 

[eve2004]

No. No one.

I'm merely finishing off paperwork, then preparing my funeral (more paperwork and $) and then I'm done. No one counts/relies on me, and I have no one I can rely on. Suicide is always shocking but there's no one close to me so people will get over it and life will go on. I used to feel a *bit* of guilt for my therapist and psych but I feel like lately they've given up on me so I don't care anymore.

I feel less pressure because of this (I have nobody) so I cannot imagine the torture of dealing with both the feelings of CTB, AND the guilt and feelings that go along with "holding on" for those close to you.

PS: i do have one *closer* friend who is also suicidal and has made a couple of half botched attempts with complete recovery so I know he'd understand.

 

[Aonewayticketplease]

My Mom is the only person I would consider staying around for.

She really has done her best for me and my death would be something she would never be able to recover from, I think that she would lose her will to live if I was gone.

 

[transgenderfailure]

My mom too. It's so hard, there's no one who keeps me attached to this world like her. Sometimes I get thoughts like, "I wish she didn't exist", but I know I just think that cause I want my pain to stop, but when I do CTB I literally inflict the pain I felt in my life onto her and maybe more, so it's like wtf do I even do? I am just lost.

 

[134340]

I have a lot of family members who would be devastated, but the ones who actually make me hesitant to ctb are my 15 year old sister and 2 year old brother. I think everyone else could get over it with time, and realistically my brother probably won't even remember me in the long run if I do it somewhat soon, but my sister is a big worry. We're six years apart but very close. I see so many negative pieces of myself in her. I don't know what she'll do or how she'll cope.

Sometimes I wish I could forget that this decision will affect other people, which is horrible to say, but I've been suffering for years just because I don't want to hurt anyone.

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

Kind of, but they don't care about me in the same way.

 

[Rachel74]

In my case it was none of their damn business, so it was easy yeah. He didn't get your depression?

No he did not, same with my sister, they say just get over it, I just wish it was that easy. I still see my sister so I can be close to my niece who is self-harming and they are doing nothing about so I am there to support her.

 

[woxihuanni]

No he did not, same with my sister, they say just get over it, I just wish it was that easy. I still see my sister so I can be close to my niece who is self-harming and they are doing nothing about so I am there to support her.

I'm glad your niece has support in you. When I was a kid and unhappy about anything (not depression or self-harm, but you know just fucking unhappy about something that happened), my mum loved to threaten me with sectioning. One of her favourite insults was 'schizo'. Good times.

 

[Astral316]

My mom died last year and my father/sister kicked me out of the family house on restraining order. Nobody holding me back there.

No friends, no pets, no significant other because I'm too strange.

I have a nurse, a psychiatrist, a therapist and a "peer specialist" who may be disappointed if I'm dead but they'll get over it easily. I'm a "9 to 5 issue" to people who are paid to give me some attention.

Truth be told, I'll be forgotten like I had never been born. Ya know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[eve2004]

My mom died last year and my father/sister kicked me out of the family house on restraining order. Nobody holding me back there.

No friends, no pets, no significant other because I'm too strange.

I have a nurse, a psychiatrist, a therapist and a "peer specialist" who may be disappointed if I'm dead but they'll get over it easily. I'm a "9 to 5 issue" to people who are paid to give me some attention.

Truth be told, I'll be forgotten like I had never been born. Ya know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

I, too, am a 9-5 issue for specialists, actually just less than an hour a week, so I'm sure someone will take my spot with no income lost... as for me, they've given up already, they'll probably be glad I'm gone.
Truthfully, I'm holding on for the mailman to deliver my "goods" and subsequently me from my useless self...

 

[intothevoid]

Yeah. But she's past the point of caring. And hopefully on the 14th I'll CTB. Tried it a month ago and she stopped me but she's gone now so I don't need to hold back.

 

[Readytogo227]

My father. I think my spouse would manage without me though he would be heartbroken, but my father would be absolutely crushed. I'm the firstborn. He was my only good parent when I was little.

I feel so guilty thinking about ctb'ing while he's still alive. But I want to go so badly. It's suffocating. I feel trapped BC I want to escape but I don't want to emotionally destroy the best father in the world. He's my hero. Yet here I am. Pathetic, isn't it?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Not concerned about my mother but for my sister and brother as we are very close. My sister has enough problems and my brother is still very young. I know they'd both be crushed but I really do not see any other alternative. It's times like these that make me envy those who have no one to hurt.

 

[NotOfThisEarth]

If it weren't for my mom I'd have no problem ending it all. I feel like I'm living almost entirely for her at this point, although maybe I still have a tiny bit of hope. I promised her I wouldn't take my life, and I guess even as low as I've been lately the guilt is overpowering. No parent deserves to find their child's body. When I think about death, the image of her walking into my room and finding me hanging by a rope makes me physically sick. I'm curious if anyone is in a similar boat.

Likewise. I'm hanging by a thread trying to get through day after day of the same stuff. I feel a lot of guilt that I'm planning this-but deep down, on some level, my mom will not be suprised. She knows I've been miserable for years. I don't desire anything any longer(well..that's not true..I desire wine & strong coffee always..) I really have been the "walking dead" for many years now. Life goes on and people learn to cope-right?..at least that's what I tell myself.
If I can say one suggestion to you it would be to kill yourself somewhere outside the house if possible..

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

NOPE!!! F*ck everyone!

 

[Jean4]

My cat. I just had a failed attempt. When I was hospitalized, all I could think about was him and the guilt I felt leaving him. When I came home, he was all over me and hasn't left me for a second. Humans won't give a damn if I am here or not. My cat does.

 

[Whatever123]

Something happened that gave me back the one shred of hope I had lost. It made me feel like I still had something to keep going for, but I've been mulling it over and since the whole thing is not set in stone....I don't even know if it's worth hanging onto that hope. That stupid, stupid little shred of hope. I'm such an idiot...

 

[LastFlowers]

No. No one has any interest in me or my life, so my passing will have little to no effect on them. There are other people they care about far more.
They will likely be relieved by the obliteration of an embarrassment.
They will find a way to use my death to their advantage.

My mother is the only one I can talk to at all, she goes back and forth with me in being supportive of my woes but won't support my right to die unless I try everything to live. Which for me, comes down to plastic surgery, both primary and revisionary. It's not going to work out. It already failed once. It's a nasty abyss that you're lucky to get out of alive if you are forced to dip your foot in. But I cant live with this face and body any longer so there really is no other choice. I will not accept things as they are. I am basically humoring her at this point by making appointments. I have no energy to even make it to them and I've already lost too many years to this. I'm not elderly or anything but I am too old for anything to be worth it anymore. I have nothing. And I don't even have the guarantee that anything will work out. I'm tired.
My mom can barely be here for me as it is, but if she wasn't here at all, I wouldn't have been able to still be here. Though even she herself has said if I kill myself, life will move on.
Well, life already has moved on. I watch it pass me by every single day.

My cat. I just had a failed attempt. When I was hospitalized, all I could think about was him and the guilt I felt leaving him. When I came home, he was all over me and hasn't left me for a second. Humans won't give a damn if I am here or not. My cat does.

I'd like to think my cats would actually care but I think they'd be more likely to start carelessly eating my body lol

As far as pets go, me sticking around would be for my own selfish reasons of not wanting anyone else to take them. They are my babies. I don't want anyone else's grubby hands on them, I think my father would still take care of them but I wouldn't have anymore say as to who pops in and tries to manhandle them. I am already witnessing people come into the family who think everything and everyone wants to be touched and kissed by them, tongue always hanging out of their mouth like a dog. Pity I won't be around to cut it off.
I don't want it wagging at my poor cat's faces.

 

[cosmicpixiedust]

I

My dog. Pets are the only living beings that are content and can give unconditional love. Humanity is too sick and depraved to be able to do so. I know my dog is afraid of other people, and I wouldn't want her to have to suffer because I died first.

I feel this so much, I have a dog and 5 cats. Some days they are the only thing keeping me from actually ctb. I know that without me finding them homes they would be lost without me if I did.

 

[okaoki]

No one , my parents would feel relief my brother would be very happy , i don't have friends or partner
after i go no one would cares.