Is there someone you're holding on for?

[nothingleft]

If it weren't for my mom I'd have no problem ending it all. I feel like I'm living almost entirely for her at this point, although maybe I still have a tiny bit of hope. I promised her I wouldn't take my life, and I guess even as low as I've been lately the guilt is overpowering. No parent deserves to find their child's body. When I think about death, the image of her walking into my room and finding me hanging by a rope makes me physically sick. I'm curious if anyone is in a similar boat.

 

[AnnonyBox]

My dog. Pets are the only living beings that are content and can give unconditional love. Humanity is too sick and depraved to be able to do so. I know my dog is afraid of other people, and I wouldn't want her to have to suffer because I died first.

 

[woxihuanni]

Once somebody tried to get me to promise. I cut them out of my life.

 

[Strangeasangels]

My cat but i have a friend who i made sure would take her should something happen to me. I know he would be a good parent.

Parents dead. Siblings suck. Some great friends who would get over it in time.

NOpe

I hang onto the hope for change... a shift on the horizon. A meaningful relationship. Someone to love me for who i am unconditionally....

But it has not happened so far. I have existed over half a century and I am still a cynic who feels that most people are too consumed with themselves to care about anything past the nose on their face.

But the dreamer and romantic in me holds on...

 

[EmptySteph62]

I'm staying for my little brother and my cat. I wish my brother could understand why I want out so badly but he can't and Idk how I'm going to do this to him....

 

[oopswronglife]

But the dreamer and romantic in me holds on...

The very best people are romantics and dreamers.

 

[Mr2005]

My girlfriend. The naive idea that I can actually do any good for humanity by sitting on my couch being some social justice warrior. Yuck

 

[Lennox]

My family. My family are pretty cool people. They'll certainly get over it though.

 

[KiraComplex]

If it weren't for my mom I'd have no problem ending it all.

This.

 

[woxihuanni]

A

My girlfriend. The naive idea that I can actually do any good for humanity by sitting on my couch being some social justice warrior. Yuck

Ahah, my impression of you was not a sjw.

 

[hobbydevil]

My family, especially my younger sister.
And my ex, but in a different way. With my family it's that I don't want to hurt them... with my ex it's a sliver of hope that I could meet her again, which would make me motivated to try at life a little longer, she was my rock despite all the fucked up shit that happened to me when we were together. But she's been dating someone else for well over a year, is living with that person, and in another city entirely. So my hope is waning everyday.

 

[SHThrowAway213]

My husband.
He said that it'll complete devastate him and that he'll do it after I do it.
don't want to destroy him.

 

[Lonewolfza]

My Gran (she is 98), she has already lost my mother to cancer, so I wont put her through that pain any my cats are also keeping me going for now.

 

[your pathologist]

Right now its my boyfriend.
All of my long term friends have done away with me.
But if i lived alone, i dont think id have the motivation to keep putting up with shit.
Im not even the best match for my boyfriend. I dont know why i keep putting him through my shit.
If it wasnt for constant gratification through someone else i wouldn't be able to justify my existence

 

[binturong]

Mom, the rest could get over it though. (There are others wonderful people and animals in my life, it motivates to live, but when I feel really sick, I feel like it makes no sense.)
Sometimes I wish I had deadly disease, it'd be easier to take, sometimes there is hope that my condition will become better, I can't ruin her life, but I'm not gonna passive sinking in a swamp of my mental disorders anymore, So now I seek healing. I said I'd try live another 10-20 years, but no more, my mom loves and respects me so much, this is so hard for her, but she accepted my choice, it's incredible, and motivates me to do incredible and live all these years.

 

[Rachel74]

My dogs, my partner and my stepdad and niece.
I know my dogs will be ok with my partner but he wouldn't cope. My stepdad who's my rock and there to pick me up from the hospital everyone I overdosed. My niece because she's only 18 and as depression, I wouldn't want to tip her or anyone else over it.

I watched my brother die last year and we begged the hospice to give him more but they wouldn't. I felt rather ashamed of myself that I wanted to die and there was him fighting to stay alive.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

my family doesn't care about me, they abuse me and treat me like shit. my mom told me i'm her biggest mistake for no reason. the only one who loved me was my grandfather but he passed away almost 3 year ago. i hope i'll be able to ctb that day he passed away. the only thing who sometimes hold me is my pet my 15yo dog i really love her. it seems she can understand my pain but i don't wanna see her lasts days so i need to go asap

 

[Rachel74]

Having read the whole thread I am crying. Next time a person says we are selfish I will remember this. People on here are not going through with it because they love someone or something. Rather beautiful xxx

 

[your pathologist]

Having read the whole thread I am crying. Next time a person says we are selfish I will remember this. People on here are not going through with it because they love someone or something. Rather beautiful xxx

Many struggle daily, annually, before they've broken.
It always tortures those who contemplate it
Back when i was struggling everyday to sleep more than an hour, overcome with guilt, fatigue, dealing with loss of memory, quit school, lost my job, begged my parents to help me that i didnt want to live anymore, they drove across the US and back to take care of me, left my boyfriend with 2 days notice, and i was tempted to use my stepdads gun. Daily. I held it. Researched...

Then i imagined what it would be like for my mother to find my body, with my head all fucked up. I couldn't do it.
I tried to tie myself to a ceiling fan on a high ceiling and couldn't kick away the ladder.
Began crying, unstaged everything and flung myself on the couch and just couldn't.

Perhaps its good i dont live alone.

 

[jrums]

My mother also. She's 70 and and such a sweet women who's put up with all my sickness and addiction. But I know have PSSD and brain damage from SSRIs that were supposed to help and that's just too much. I feel terrible because I know it will kill her but I can't put myself through this anymore

 

[Stan]

One of my kids who is just about to go to university. Was going to do it before he left but from some good advice here delaying it till he finishes his first semester in mid December. He should then have a month to be with his mother and siblings before going back and would have forged some friendships in his campus that would hopefully support him when he goes back

 

[deflagrat]

In theory, I am waiting for my parents to die. I don't know how long it will take, but chances are it's probably going to be a long time. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time. Sometimes I don't even know what the hell I am supposed to do for that long.

 

[nothingleft]

In theory, I am waiting for my parents to die. I don't know how long it will take, but chances are it's probably going to be a long time. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time. Sometimes I don't even know what the hell I am supposed to do for that long.

Yeah, that's kind of where I am too. I know I'm luckier than a lot of people to have loving parents, but that's never been enough to make life feel worth living or stop the pain. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to hurt my mom that way. The guilt and shame is too overwhelming.

 

[woxihuanni]

Having read the whole thread I am crying. Next time a person says we are selfish I will remember this. People on here are not going through with it because they love someone or something. Rather beautiful xxx

It's because you skipped my post. :P

 

[nothingleft]

It's because you skipped my post. :P

Everyone's story is different. No judgment here.

 

[OverItAll]

I've mentioned elsewhere that's it's my Mum that keeps me going.

Wife knows I've been depressed for a while. Over the weekend she saw this site on my phone and totally lost it; she doesn't want me to leave her, doesn't want the stress of taking care of our 4 dogs, doesn't want to have to start again with someone new.

Maybe I'm holding on for her too, in a way. I don't know why, to be honest. She isn't interested in me in any way, shape or form, so it's only her own selfishness that wants me to stick around.

 

[nothingleft]

Maybe I'm holding on for her too, in a way. I don't know why, to be honest. She isn't interested in me in any way, shape or form, so it's only her own selfishness that wants me to stick around.

Do you know that for sure? Maybe she's scared and doesn't know how the fuck to handle her emotions. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

[HitchHiker]

My parents will be upset when I leave. But they won't miss me because I hardly see them. I only hear from my dad when he wants to borrow money, my mom doesn't have time for me. She threw me out when I was 15 and I've survived and done ok for myself without either of them.

My partner keeps me here, he gives me something to live for. But he doesn't know it.
This relationship will come to and end eventually, nothing good ever lasts for me. And then it will be my time.

 

[Tabbyql]

My dog. Pets are the only living beings that are content and can give unconditional love. Humanity is too sick and depraved to be able to do so. I know my dog is afraid of other people, and I wouldn't want her to have to suffer because I died first.

Im in exactly the same position, my dogs are all that keep me here. My oldest is scared of everything, even though I've had her in my life for nearly 2 years now. I only have to raise my arm suddenly and she cowers which breaks my heart. I worry how she would cope without me. My puppy on the other hand will be fine he will just go with whoever as the biscuits.

 

[woxihuanni]

Im in exactly the same position, my dogs are all that keep me here. My oldest is scared of everything, even though I've had her in my life for nearly 2 years now. I only have to raise my arm suddenly and she cowers which breaks my heart. I worry how she would cope without me. My puppy on the other hand will be fine he will just go with whoever as the biscuits.

I'm like the dog that cowers, but all that invokes is contempt. :) Wish I was like the puppy.