Discussion Is there anyone here who doesn't want to get better?

[Mloureiro]

I'm tired and the opportunities to "get better" have passed. Now it's just hanging on and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sorry but you can only try and try so much before you realize that at some point life just is not going to go up. In fact it's pretty much guaranteed to decline slowly at first then more steadily, especially in terms of financial security and health, mental and physical. At almost 52 years old, the opportunities to start over and reinvent yourself just aren't there like they were when you were in your 20-30s no matter what any therapist tells you. The results of all your past choices eventually corral you into fewer and fewer options until you reach a dead end.

Was looking into changing careers this weekend at the behest of a friend but to go into substantial debt with student loans at 52 years of age and having to work full time and go to school - just doesn't really seem worth the effort. I'm already tired as it is.

I completely understand what you mean. Hate my job but I am stuck and 43, too tired....

 

[Janebb]

It's over. And if it's not over I'm not interested in getting better so I can just get worse again....fuck that
Peace/hugs

I so relate with that. I've really tried my hardest and I keep slipping further away from my dream life. A life I actually had before my illness set in. Now I'm in my 30's back to square one. I really tried this last time but I hit my limit. I can't imagine reliving these feeling over and over again for the rest of my life. It's a terminal illness and not treated like one. The stigma and shame.

 

[noctiva]

I don't want to get better anymore, no. The future I imagined is not possible anymore, and I do not desire to 'get over it' and 'fight through it'. I've been fighting my whole life, I'm out of fight. I don't care to fight anymore. The promise of 'fight through this and then...' always implies a reward, something worth fighting for. Survival itself, for me holds no value. It's a fight to get out of bed, to force yourself to eat, to go to work, pretend to be happy there, go home. And that's just the minimal bullshit you have to do. It doesn't include socializing, which we as humans need to thrive, exercising, which is a thing your body actually needs to be well, where is that energy supposed to come from? I don't have it. I don't even have the energy to cover the basic stuff I HAVE TO do anymore... Have to, as in eat, sleep and pay the bills to not lose my apartment. Threatened with homelessness, threatened with isolation... this is not life. So no, I don't want to get better anymore, I am out of energy to get better, out of hope to get better.

 

[Crystal Labeija]

I don't want to get better because suicide makes me feel so empowered. Ever since I discovered SN, I've felt amazing! No one can stop me from doing what I've always wanted to do.

 

[passenger27]

I used to want to get better until I figured out "better" was only what people tell me better should be. So I just fake a smile and nod, knowing better is really oblivion, not Saturday morning cartoons and rainbows.

 

[jaroz]

I personally don't want to get better. Maybe it's because I feel depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and any other so-called negative thing, are a part of me. Eliminating it would simply eliminate more of me.

I think in some cases theres no such thing as better. i dont necessaraly feel depressed, but there are things that just cant be fixed. im tired, not depressed

 

[Lethe]

I'm not sure what "better" really means anymore, as it's all just nebulous absurdity and pointlessness. All I feel is the existential dread of knowing that nothing matters, and to believe otherwise is to just futilely attempt to reassemble the pieces of a shattered illusion. Like a kindergartner struggling to piece together a jigsaw puzzle. I wish I could have that again... I was babysitting my niece today and found myself coveting her innocence. It made me sad, but at the same time watching her made me feel human again for the first time in a while.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Unfortunately, even if I try, I will not get better in every way I need to. To be O.K is an impossible reach for me. My life is over. I'd give anything to live a normal life, without pain and mental turmoil... Anything. But I'd also give my life to see all of you feel better. x

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I desperately want to get better but I am afraid this is too deep and dark a pit of despair to pull myself out of this time and that I will die down here at some point. I don't have the will to fight this dark mountain of suffering crushing me. I feel myself surrendering to death more and more as each day passes. I am still hoping for some type of miracle to save me from this nightmare though.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

By a certain age, society is blunt in telling you you're utterly worthless, so "getting better" can mean just waiting for disease or murder or dereliction to get you. No thanks. I wanted to get better when I was very young and in school and thought about all the fun things I could do--usually involving others. Like going on picnics or on long road trips or watching movies over each other's houses, laughing our heads off and just enjoying being with each other. But some of us aren't fit for human companionship so that never happens. No matter what therapy we try.

Long answer, but, "no," I don't want to get better. Just dead.

And thus is the story of my life, worked hard, put a lot on the line, lost it before I even got to enjoy a more relax life, and now I'd rather die than struggle to get it all again

I feel very much the same...

 

[azucaramargo]

I feel the same, 4 months ago I was probably the happiest I had ever been, I'd worked very hard and had my ups and downs along the road to get there, and now it's all gone I can't even be arsed trying to get it all back. Yet without it I will never be happy or make good of life, and it kills me.

My analogy is Imagine spending 3 years busting your arse off at uni and all the stress that goes with it and getting your degree at the end. Then before you get a chance to enjoy a bit of time off or put your degree to work, it is taken away, and someone says "well you can get it back". Well yes, I can do the degree again, but it will be hell, the stress will be worse because I'm having to do it all again from scratch, with the added benefit of having sever depression due to losing it in the first place. I'd rather just fuck it off. And thus is the story of my life, worked hard, put a lot on the line, lost it before I even got to enjoy a more relax life, and now I'd rather die than struggle to get it all again

I'd be so curious to know what happened in the last four months.

 

[Deleted member 7141]

I feel the same, 4 months ago I was probably the happiest I had ever been, I'd worked very hard and had my ups and downs along the road to get there, and now it's all gone I can't even be arsed trying to get it all back. Yet without it I will never be happy or make good of life, and it kills me.

My analogy is Imagine spending 3 years busting your arse off at uni and all the stress that goes with it and getting your degree at the end. Then before you get a chance to enjoy a bit of time off or put your degree to work, it is taken away, and someone says "well you can get it back". Well yes, I can do the degree again, but it will be hell, the stress will be worse because I'm having to do it all again from scratch, with the added benefit of having sever depression due to losing it in the first place. I'd rather just fuck it off. And thus is the story of my life, worked hard, put a lot on the line, lost it before I even got to enjoy a more relax life, and now I'd rather die than struggle to get it all again

How did this happen? Why did you lose it?

 

[kkatt]

I am not ill. My life is complete.
My kids are in their 20s and completely independent.
Nothing is going to get better.My family don't deserve any more of the crap I've been piling on them.
Time's up!

 

[Dazedandconfused32]

Me.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I can't get better and I've given life too many opportunities. It's time to go. I've had enough.

 

[Jean4]

Do I want to get better. Sure. Realistically, will it ever happen? No. I am a realist. I have given up hope of getting better. Just like I have given up hope that there is Santa.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I don't want to get better because suicide makes me feel so empowered. Ever since I discovered SN, I've felt amazing! No one can stop me from doing what I've always wanted to do.

Same!

 

[Deleted member 7141]

I so relate with that. I've really tried my hardest and I keep slipping further away from my dream life. A life I actually had before my illness set in. Now I'm in my 30's back to square one. I really tried this last time but I hit my limit. I can't imagine reliving these feeling over and over again for the rest of my life. It's a terminal illness and not treated like one. The stigma and shame.

I am right here with you in the trenches. I completely understand everything you just said. A lot of us millennials on here I've noticed. Our generation is so hopeless with good reason.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I dont want to get better because Im a masochist :)
I like making myself suffer
I would throw out my meds and do stuff that would worsen my mood intentionally because I felt undeserving of being happy, and I craved pain
Not only mental pain either.
Ive been poisoning myself, purposefully giving myself infections, provoking others to hurt me in some way, you name it
Some hardcore bdsm before I die would be good for me

 

[Qdv]

This question is kind of complicated for me...a good one though and a way to honestly reflect. Although Ive never let myself go this far or been this decimated internally...Even the times when I was more stable in myself I was degraded. Its like Ive always been on a steady decline and what hurts the most about being at the absolute lowest here and now is that I long for the times when I was reckless and wild but at least had some semblance of self intact. Although I was a terror to everyone around me literally having been told "you're satan," and "nobody in your life likes you you're a burden," even who I was and how I felt in those times...is so much better than this. So I feel like there is no "better," version of myself I can even envision. And I feel more trapped by the week as this isolation deepens and my insecurity and discomfort deepen. How to climb out of one hole just to fall into one that was a little more shallow. If that makes sense

 

[Deleted member 7141]

Same!

I am intellectually twinning with so many of you.

Do I want to get better. Sure. Realistically, will it ever happen? No. I am a realist. I have given up hope of getting better. Just like I have given up hope that there is Santa.

This post deserves a dab! Yes, this life is not Disney or any other bs they tried to program us with. Nothing makes sense and nothing is what it seems.

 

[blivogade]

I guess not. ive tried so many times over the years, so many therapies, hospitals and medication nothing has seemed to work. its been so long since this all started with added traumas in the middle that without my illnesses i wouldn't have anything left if i got better. my life is appointments, my only friends are my therapist and care coordinator who dont even consider me a friend, just a needy patient. no family or friends just my mental illness. i guess im just living in my own sick little world, im not happy but i am comfortable if that makes sense. so i guess i dont want to get better, this will finish me and ive accepted that now.

 

[Élégie]

I don't want to "get better" anymore, because the very concept belies all the very reasons I want to ctb- there are those that consider me to be mentally "ill" purely by merit of the fact I want to ctb- but it is so much more than that- yes I am psychologically & mentally distraught & grief striken but none the less I know I am don't have "mental health" issues as such-atleast in the convential sense - so the very idea of "getting better" is a false one, it's anathema to me- I can't "get better " Because it wouldn't change the facts of my life that have led to this point- it's cant change the past, present or future at this stage, it can't even change how I view it or to "re- frame" my thought patterns or whatever else therapy & medication etc. is meant to do- in some cases therapy simply can't help- or it comes too late! - it won't change things- I have nothing to "get better" for and it was my life- the cards I was dealt that made me "ill", so there is no way to 'recover' from how I feel, it won;t change my life & suddenly make it what I had hoped it could be, without having a time machine to change pretty much most of my life. That's why I feel the people that keep saying that to me, like-can't you conder trying to 'get better' are so so naive it's unreal & totally fail to grasp the 'reasons' why I feel this way! Sorry that was long - as usual.

We are terrible people for not wanting to lower our standards and just "accept the life we've been given" fuck that shit------ How dare they insist that we put up with it. We didnt ask to come to this motherfucker anyway!

I feel like this too. I refuse to accept living with a lower quality of life and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that refusal.

I don't want to get better anymore, no. The future I imagined is not possible anymore, and I do not desire to 'get over it' and 'fight through it'. I don't care to fight anymore. The promise of 'fight through this and then...' always implies a reward, something worth fighting for. Survival itself, for me holds no value.

I agree with all of you. 100%.
You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

[Thereisalwaysachoice]

I don't want to get better. I want to get deader.

 

[Deleted member 7141]

I agree with all of you. 100%.
You took the words right out of my mouth.

I SECOND THIS 2 BILLION%
I had no idea so many people not only understand where I am coming from but feel the same exact way. I am not not crazy- none of us are. We live in different countries, have different backgrounds, are within different age groups ect yet we all are on same wave length. We have all drawn the same conclusions about life in general and our lives. That is so powerful. It is amazing. It makes me feel less alone and more validated. We are all in this together until we leave this planet. Thank so many of you for sharing so bravely and boldly. I am grateful we all have a safe place to vent, get support, and connect with other people before we depart.

 

[exhausted]

I don't feel like I deserve to get better, but I would like to get better more than anything. It hurts so much!

 

[cassvdega]

No, I don't know if I want to get better. I feel like I wouldn't feel anything if not for feeling everything at once. But at the same time I don't wanna keep living feeling that way, I just feel like my life is a cycle of me perpetually fucking up good things and tainting pure things so I'd rather not waste time getting better just to fuck it up again and I'd prefer to have the courage to ctb but I don't know when the moment will strike.

 

[Saroshi]

I don't want to get better, but I am not opposed to passively getting better. Day by day, little things keep me lucid. But, I wouldn't mind falling, I am comforted by having a self destruct button within reach. Thinking about it, it is probably a twisted way for me to keep a little control over my life.

 

[Bluefish]

Hard question... Recovery to a comfortable level isnt really possible for me after all this. Ive also been on the path of self destruction so long I cant find energy to collect myself anymore. Every new day is harder and harder to endure. Im just stuck in between.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

yes to some of my afflictions, no to others.

if i could miraculously cease to have social anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar or borderline (i've gotten mixed reviews from the pros on that) i would do it in a heart beat. i've tried therapy (to no avail) and medications (which all just made me even more sure i wanted to die) i'd do it in a heartbeat.

that, however, is not an option, and so i have absolutely no interest in recovering from my eating disorder or my substance abuse issues. anything that shortens my life, because i never seem to have the balls to end it directly, is my friend.