Story Introduction

[Jezzibell]

Like most, my life has had pockets of trauma. The usual story of sexual abuse by a grandfather. Peppered in the mix is my own behaviour. I know right from wrong, I know the consequences of what I do, but I do them anyway. Risk taking, compulsive behaviour and acting on impulse.

Apparently I have adhd. I've had an eating disorder and thyroidectomy 37 years ago. I'm 52.

I have tried on a few occasions. When i was 24, and following on from a severe gambling episode, i took1000 paracetamol. When that didn't work, I snuck outside the hospital, scaled the wall at the back and bought 1000 more. And when that didn't work I took all the night meds from the nurses trolley and swallowed them all. They decided enough was enough and kept me sedated on ativan before dispatching me to a psychiatric facility. I managed to break the light bulb and do a fair bit of damage to my veins.

I have a vial of pills that I even sleep with. It has the correct mix of tablets with higher dosages than I need. It comprises morphine, amytriptilene, metoclopramide, domperidone, codeine, zanax. I weigh only 22kg so medicine hits me hard.

BUT I cannot risk a failed attempt and I want sn. A man is coming to fix my car today and I plan to drive somewhere remote and do it in my car

My eating disorder has left me isolated. I dont have a life at all. I haven't left my new flat since I moved in 6 months ago.

I just don't want to go on. I'm tired of the struggle and the messes I get myself into. I will be a news story about the woman who died years ago but noone knew. My family are the pits.

I want to be still. I want peace. I don't want to keep going. Its pointless.

Sorry about the pity party. I'm no little miss ray of sunshine

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you've been through, there certainly is no relief from suffering to be found in this awful world and it really is terrifying to me how suicide attempts can potentially go wrong. But anyway I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for, to me existing certainly is pointless.

 

[AshClouds]

i'm sorry you went through all of that, that sounds like a terrible experience.

The usual story of sexual abuse by a grandfather. Peppered in the mix is my own behaviour.

You shouldn't blame yourself for your actions, its that trauma that took control of you. None of it is your fault, and you shouldn't have to burden any of your guilt.
I wish you well