Hello to all and glad to be part of your community.
53 year old man, living near Boston, Massachusetts, USA.
Been depressed all my life, abusive childhood, hard to make friends in real life. I honestly try to be a good person and be nice, or at least courteous to everyone I meet. Some love me, some don't care about me, some hate me.
Diagnosed with major depressive disorder, OCD, drug abuse/dependence, etc.
Killed the pain through the years with various distractions, amusing myself in the void. Joined the military, graduated college, competed in bodybuilding/powerlifting. Since I was a weak and sickly and nerdy kid in childhood, I built myself up to be a big strong physical guy. Loved sex, drugs, rock and roll, lifting weights, enjoyed the respect of educated men and the love of little children, as Emerson put it.
Testosterone and stimulants (caffeine, ephedrine, yohimbine, modafinil, dexedrine/Adderall/other amphetamines) used to be enough to power me through life, Viagra and Cialis enough to power me through sex. But having been a lifelong insomniac, eventually I lost the ability to go to sleep. At first melatonin or GHB did the trick, then increasing doses of Valium and Xanax.
Over the last 2-3 years, everything has stopped working. I've seen psychiatrists and tried all the usual suspects with only negative side effects to show for it.
Eventually only ever increasing doses of Adderall (200 - 300mg per day) were enough to make me euphoric, then only happy, then only depression and feeding the cravings to avoid withdrawal. I ceased to care whether I would live or die at all, and went to sleep every night hoping to not wake up in the morning.
The problem is, I still keep waking up in the morning, no matter what I do.
In early December, I suffered what was later confirmed to be a heart attack (myocardial infarction). Instead of seeking help or going to the ER, I laid down in bed and gave thanks and prepared my soul for death.
But I woke up the next morning, and every morning since, although I continued to grow weaker and weaker. I had been a big and strong guy all my adult life, but now simple tasks like climbing stairs or taking out the trash became physically impossible. I joined this site at that time, as I slowly lost the strength and any remaining will to live.
Finally on New Year's Eve, my adult daughter convinced me to go to the ER, where eventually heart attack was confirmed, 3 of 4 coronary arteries were 99% blocked and open heart surgery (CABG, coronary artery bypass grafting) was necessary. I went along with it to please my family, and because I was too weak to resist in the hospital, where all the drugs I depended on for years had been taken away and I went through severe withdrawal.
Now I have been released from the hospital, am weaker than a baby, and complete anhedonia has set in.
I am in pain, all the time, every moment of every day, whether I am sleeping or waking.
I can't do anything on my own anymore. My wife has to help me into bed at night, and out of bed in the morning. Climbing a flight of stairs is like climbing Mt Everest, and I have to pause several times and almost vomit at the top of the stairs. I require benzos to sedate myself at night, gasp for air until morning, and pray that I never wake up.
But, as stated before, the problem is that I keep waking up in the morning, no matter what I do.
I have seen this before with my mother and father, both of whom died slow agonizing deaths where they lost the ability to move (ALS in my mother's case, heart attack and coma for my father.) I personally do not choose that kind of slow agonizing death for myself.
And so here I am, looking for options for a quicker, hopefully painless or less painful death, at the place and time of my own choosing.
I never chose to be born, but I hope that I can choose when to die. Any assistance in that regard will be appreciated.
Love, empathy, and sympathy to all, whatever your own personal situations may be.
Sides
I hope this message finds you well.
