Introduce yourself

[DocNo]

47 years old male european atheist who prefers to stay away from humans as much as possible.
i lost it somewhere about the age of 25. since then i more or less exist instead of being alive.
at that age i had for some time recurring nightmares in which i was chased and mostly fell at the end of that dreams. but once the chasers got me and shot me in the back and finished it off with a headshot. i still remember, that i was surprised about the blood in my mouth (not real only in the dream) and the warm feeling. since then i sometimes think, that was the point where my soul died, although i don't believe in the concept of soul.

always had some inner pressure to be perfect and to function. combined with the outside pressure mainly from work i often had the feeling of being trapped in an impossible situation.
now i guess i am at the point where i just refuse to function.
would there be a human right for a secured private living space and food - i probably would give it a try. but just to be a paid slave wasting time only to survive is just not enough.

and finally. this pyramid game what we call capitalism is more and more annoying. but maybe that comes with age that it gets more and more obvious that people prefer to be lied to as long the feel safe and honesty is often not wanted.

my native language is german. so don't be surprised if my english seems sometimes a bit freestylish. but i guess this kind of excuse is just only a symptom of my low self-esteem.

however. i try to not give a f*** but seem to be bad at it ^^

one final comment: i really was surprised since i discovered this forum, that here are really humans who try to listen and communicate. in the entire social media world i have the feeling most of the people just have fun kicking each others butt feeding the hysteria machine instead of trying to communicate and learn from each other.

 

[stygal]

47 years old male european atheist who prefers to stay away from humans as much as possible.
i lost it somewhere about the age of 25. since then i more or less exist instead of being alive.
at that age i had for some time recurring nightmares in which i was chased and mostly fell at the end of that dreams. but once the chasers got me and shot me in the back and finished it off with a headshot. i still remember, that i was surprised about the blood in my mouth (not real only in the dream) and the warm feeling. since then i sometimes think, that was the point where my soul died, although i don't believe in the concept of soul.

always had some inner pressure to be perfect and to function. combined with the outside pressure mainly from work i often had the feeling of being trapped in an impossible situation.
now i guess i am at the point where i just refuse to function.
would there be a human right for a secured private living space and food - i probably would give it a try. but just to be a paid slave wasting time only to survive is just not enough.

and finally. this pyramid game what we call capitalism is more and more annoying. but maybe that comes with age that it gets more and more obvious that people prefer to be lied to as long the feel safe and honesty is often not wanted.

my native language is german. so don't be surprised if my english seems sometimes a bit freestylish. but i guess this kind of excuse is just only a symptom of my low self-esteem.

however. i try to not give a f*** but seem to be bad at it ^^

one final comment: i really was surprised since i discovered this forum, that here are really humans who try to listen and communicate. in the entire social media world i have the feeling most of the people just have fun kicking each others butt feeding the hysteria machine instead of trying to communicate and learn from each other.

Hello/Hallo fellow german,
interesting that quite a few german(speaking) people seem to find their way here since google basically shadow banned it. And nobody in Ger-Depressionforum seems to talk about it. Hope you find whatever it is you are looking for and it is true: people definitely listen and seem to understand around here. :)

 

[DocNo]

Hello/Hallo fellow german,
interesting that quite a few german(speaking) people seem to find their way here since google basically shadow banned it. And nobody in Ger-Depressionforum seems to talk about it. Hope you find whatever it is you are looking for and it is true: people definitely listen and seem to understand around here. :)

hi,

since i tend to be a bit paranoid i avoided google for my suicide searches and also use anonymity tools.
as i started to search a few months ago, this was the only thing which made a real serious impression to me. didn't find any serious german language stuff but also pretty much quit searching after finding this place here.
if you have infos, maybe you want to PM me. sometimes a few nuances are easier to understand in the native language.

 

[Jbell6066]

Hello... I'm a 39 year old male, 3 years divorced, located in southern United States. Married my high school sweetheart.

How I found SS was searching benzo OD, at that time I just purchased 80 1mg tabs for my normal sleep schedule... I pulled up to work and sat there calm and ready... did some research and said fuck work that day. I concluded it would fail and I'd be out of my sleep medications. Fast forward a few months, here I am looking for a good way to end myself.

Without making this very long, I work for one of the largest environmental companies in the US. I see all the horrible shit humans have done to this planet on a daily basis to make a profit. Prior to the environmental work, I sat in an office doing IT support, a network engineer... which I fucking hated but good at.

I've always knew I'd end myself one day but since April 2016 my life has gone into a downward spiral and that time is coming sooner than later.

Favorite quote -
We are not satisfied with the life we have in ourselves and in our own being: we want to lead an imaginary life in the minds of other people, and so we make an effort to impress. We constantly strive to embellish and preserve our imaginary being, and neglect the real one. -Blaise Pascal

 

[Pandora_91]

Hi,
I'm a regular person with a weird personality disorder. This makes me entirely suicidal most of the day. Currently I am hospitalised.

Late twenties, smoker, middle eastern, female.

Glad to have joined this site.

/

 

[antigone_iris]

Hello!

I've been on this forum for a week now, and I'm so glad to be here. This is such an amazing community

I'm an extrovert by nature, introvert by circumstances. I'm a NEET in my mid 20s, a creative person, I like interacting with people, but I had negative experiences in the past that broke me, and made it hard for me to trust. I like music a lot, writing and photography.

Society sucks, but I still have faith in humanity.

 

[DontGiveAshiit]

Hey people
Im 32, from middle east. I have been fighting depression for a long time, that caused by several issues, one of them is severe bdd. Im lurking this forum for long time, and was actually happy to find out there are peacefull ways to go (N/SN), before I was just thinking about jumping to be honest... Just knowing there is an easy way out brings comfort.
I dont feel really sad about it, I dont think life is that important anyway...

 

[W’ren]

Hi
I'm 46 and I'm methodically planning to ctb.
I like anime (yes even at my age) lol, anthropology and ice caps made with chocolate milk. Yum!
I was an elite athlete in my youth- and ever since a terrible car accident i have had to live with constant pain-
I was never able to have kids. That is THE biggest pain in my heart other than the abuse of many natures- i've lived through abuses physical, mental, sexual- i can't even.
I'm 46. I feel 146. 246. So old. My body hurts- my mind breaks and i am past tears and past living for others...
I'm so glad to find this community- to be able to talk about ctb in some way, even if it's just on a message board. Living like this is so lonely- and i'm not telling a soul around me about ctb because, in my mind, telling is a sure way to fail...

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Hello all.
I've read the rules but I still have a problem regarding giving reactions (smileys, heart, etc). I use Android Chrome, but all it displays are Like, Quote, Reply, Share, Bookmark, Jump to new, Ignore, Watch. I can't find the reaction icons. Can somebody please show me how to give reactions, or better yet post a picture showing the location of the icons so I can check whether my browser is missing something? Thank you in advance.

On mobile devices you have to press and hold "Like" to see other reactions.

 

[MeOP]

Hey people,

I'm a dude in his late 30's with life full of disappointment and nothing to stay around for. Basically as typical as you get. I don't even like much of anything, I guess I'm interested on astronomy but not really as a hobby.

Location Europe.

I've gotten some SN a few months ago, but opened the envelope just last week.

Btw I can't access the page/post with the rules, it says I don't have permission. I've submitted a bug report but haven't heard back. If someone could take a look, that would be cool.

 

[suicidal-raven]

Hello, please call me Raven. I am 24, AFAB, but I'm Nonbinary and go by they/them pronouns.
I just recently found this website and I am so happy to be able to be a part of it. I like talking to like-minded people, ones that get how I feel. I've been struggling with mental illness for as long as I can remember. In elementary school is when I first started to feel anxiety and depression. Ever since then I've been trying to deal with my issues but my mother was abusive and makes it hard to recover. I've been away from her for a while now, but still she torments me. I'm ready to disappear from this world but I'm also ready to recover. Whichever comes first I guess.
I enjoy reading, writing, watching anime, watching TV shows on Netflix, and I have a morbid fascination with death and dying. If I get better, I plan on continuing my education into Psychology and Philosophy. I plan on double majoring in those and working to get my PhD. We shall see where life takes me though.

 

[Dizzylady80]

Hey, I'm DizzyLady, I just turned 25 and am wanting to ctb. It's a shame, there's so much love and beauty in the world, it's really an amazing place. I just can't enjoy it anymore, with chronic pain and all these mental issues along with poverty and horrific memories all weighing down on me. I just want the best for the world, for all the good people in it, and it seems like the best thing I can do is take myself out of it

 

[lifeistryingme2020]

Hi I'm lifeistryingme, you can just call me Is. I'm 19 and have the privilege of living in North America.

I struggle with bipolar disorder and an eating disorder, I got diagnosed in grade ten after going into psychosis after family issues. I used to want to be a doctor or a lawyer but everything got so fucked for me in my classes that I graduated 2 years behind my class... when before I was planned to graduate a year early. It ruined my life because my grades are so low now that I have to retake everything again, I have no future without post secondary but it's the only way to get jobs here now. I've always been depressed but that was the last straw for me I guess. I feel as if life has no point, we die eventually but we should have the choice to choose...
Despite that, I have tried to kill myself 6 times now since 2014. I'm unsure of how fucked my liver is now because I researched the medications before and with me, they should have worked but I would throw up everything or pass out to wake up vomiting. The earliest I remember was being around 6/7 and learning to tie a noose. Home life sucked... anyways, long story short, I wish I was dead and I'll find one way or another. I think I might just jump off a bridge, I can't swim well. For now I just wait.

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

Hey, I'm DizzyLady, I just turned 25 and am wanting to ctb. It's a shame, there's so much love and beauty in the world, it's really an amazing place. I just can't enjoy it anymore, with chronic pain and all these mental issues along with poverty and horrific memories all weighing down on me. I just want the best for the world, for all the good people in it, and it seems like the best thing I can do is take myself out of it

Hey

I can relate . Chronic pain and mental issues are a nightmare for sure.

 

[Niftypoint124]

I guess y'all can call me Nifty - I'm 35, female, living in the US.

Mental health issues run on both sides of my family, often exacerbated by drug and alcohol use. I've always been sad, I guess, and feel obligated to say I've been well-supported by my family through all of it. I've led several lives by now, and while "doing it for the story" was enough to push me through one shit situation and into the next over the years, I've really come to realize that the deciding issue -- my lack of desire to be alive -- hasn't changed. That's the same as it was in grade school.

Being well-supported means I've done the tapdance with mental health professionals of all stripes. I've been diagnosed and re-diagnosed, medicated, unmedicated, and medicated again, seen therapists on a regular basis or not at all. A failed attempt at 19 taught me a fair bit about a) trusting doctors and/or phamplets on the toxicity of anything, and b) steering clear of "help" that comes with strings. For the last six or seven years I've been mulling over bigger things, and researching better options -- but having been conscious for most of my previous failure, and the terrible four days that followed, I'm nervous as hell that I'll muck it up and wind up in a worse position.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I've not posted in here for some time. But I'd like to welcome the new gen to SS!

 

[colin9988]

hi

 

[WrongGuy]

O.o

 

[Pengwin]

Hi,
new user here. I'm active on other forums mostly.
22 year old in a bit of a mess.

 

[botanormal]

Hey! I've been lurking on this forum on and off for a few months now, but it's brought me a lot of comfort and so I thought, "why not?" and decided to join. I'm 18 and female.

I've been struggling with anxiety issues for a few years now, but over the past year it's really started to intensify to the point where it is becoming difficult to focus on anything else. I reached a breaking point with my mental health earlier this year and attempted suicide, however backed out of it last second and sort of missed my opportunity. I've tried a few different things to ease my anxiety since then, but it only seems to have gotten a lot worse. Every day I go to sleep and wake up with intense anxiety that continues throughout the day, and the feeling has gotten unbearable, but there doesn't seem to be any way of making it easier.

I'm thinking I'll probably try to kill myself again when I have the best opportunity to be alone, but until then I figured I'd try joining this site. Even though reading the posts here has made me feel a lot more at peace and less alone, I've been too anxious to say anything up until now, but if I'm going to die soon anyways, I think I can push myself a little and see how it goes. Sorry if this post is a little all over the place, but thank you for reading it. Nice to meet everyone! <3

 

[Deleted member 23586]

Hai everyone! I'm PinkMidnight, but you can call me midnight ^~^

I'm based in the USA! I've been lurking around after someone kind of led me here. Not on purpose. They gave me some information about my suicidal thoughts and it let down a rabbit hole. And that's when I found this place. I ended up crying so much because I finally felt seen. Its the most bittersweet thing I've felt in a while. I was a mixture of deep sadness but also a twisted form of joy. I hope that I can find a community here since the outside world has isolated me, rejected me, and abuses me. Although there is a certain risk and finally finding people who care about me and then I lose them too. But it's not like I have any other options. I've tried everything. And with all of the mental health issues I have and a consistently terrible life, I find it way to hard to be here.

I don't know what I want, but I want the option to choose for myself. I want to try one last thing I guess. But the thought of living is absolutely terrifying to me. All that awaits me that I know will inevitably happen is absolutely maddening. Something has to give, because I have nothing left to give.

A little about myself, I'm a Scorpio, I'm a Black trans non binary woman (she/they), I'm 30, love cats, I love the night time, I love anime, video games (especially rpgs), music is my life (love me some R&B), I'm vegan, I'm spiritual, I love my brother with all of my soul, I'm really private, I'm shy, I'm emotional, and I'm scared.
But I hope I find people who will be patient with me and give me that thing I need, if it exist here.

II hope that this place is different from all the other places I've tried to be in. I hope I'm no longer invisible and ignored. I hope that maybe I can connected and loved, even if it's before I am potentially called for my ride to departure.

Hope to talk speak to you all soon! ^~^

 

[beetlejuiceahh]

>Born and taken from a crackhead mother
>Adopted by two gay men
>Absolutely amazing childhood with them
>Went to private school and was bullied
>Got diagnosed with depression, add, adhd, bipolar disorder and manic episodes
>Went to public school and developed anorexia and I still don't get my period to this day along with some other body functions
>Kept 3.8 and higher GPA
>Father passed junior year of high school
>Kicked out by other father after senior year
>Went to college and dropped out first semester
>Homeless and addicted to drugs for 3 years
>Found someone last Christmas and lived with them in my car
>We finally got our own place
>He broke up with me but still lives here, doesn't love me
>I lost my job and can't pay any bills
>Joined sanctioned suicide

My reasons for being on this site is that despite being a happy person with dark pessimistic humor, I never felt really keen on this life. I only ever wanted to help people but I could never figure out how to help myself. I realized I can't do stuff on my own, it sounds so pathetic but life is so difficult, my father was my rock and the reason I wanted to pursue my future. I knew he always wouldn't be here I just didn't expect him to be taken so soon. Bills, relationships, jobs and life are all so hard to manage. I just don't feel like I want to take part in it all. Capitalism and any government form sucks and i crave freedom. My reasons for being on here and wanting to CTB might not be as "valid" as others but it's what has been on my mind since grade school.

 

[LooksAtMoonDog]

Hello all.

I'm a 60+ guy from the [dis]United States of America. Was a member of r/sanctionedsuicide and had an account on SS.net but only lurked there. Have had periodic episodes of depression throughout my life, but never went on meds because I don't trust Dr's. and their allies in Big Pharma. These days I micro-dose and it seems to keep me on a even keel.

Exited the mainstream social path (marriage, kids, steady job, etc) in my early 30s. That's also about the time I started thinking about suicide. Wasn't suicidal, but just thinking "well if things ever get really bad I can just end it." Really, given my lifestyle, I never expected to live this long and be in relatively good health; but I know now that I will be ending it myself (unless an accident gets me first).

All in all I'm pretty satisfied with the life I've had. So it saddens me greatly to hear of all the abuse, deprivation, and depression that folks on here have suffered and are suffering.

For what it's worth I wish you all the best and a peaceful exit when it's time.

I am an open source software developer and information security researcher who is self taught

All the best IT folks are self taught.

 

[MegurineLuka]

Hi,

So uhh I registered like a year and a half ago but didn't interact much. I guess I want to now because I know I'm reaching the point where I'm actually going to be gone soon, and I just want some people to talk to before I am. I just turned 23 and that has coincided with my low point. I used to have other outlets like SH and my boyfriend, but the type of SH I was doing just doesnt give me a release anymore and I'm too much of a baby to actually do the only other method that interests me. I'll get so close then just back out at the last minute which makes me feel even worse about myself. My boyfriend doesn't seem interested in me at all anymore, at least not to the extend that I am with him, so that hurts and keeps me from being able to talk about how I feel, and considering he's the only person I talk to other than coworkers that's in part why I'm actually posting here now.

I have a couple of plans and their materials at this point. Just going to go with whichever one I feel in my gut when the urge finally wins out or things keep getting worse. Until then I'll hang out here

 

[Nemy]

Hello, I'm Nemy. I'm a 25 year old NEET that has been clinically diagnosed with depression.

• I had severe social anxiety since I was a child.
• My parents were mentally and physically abusive. They used to beat each other up, including my sisters and me. I was being constantly compared to other children so I now have an incredibly low self esteem.
• I was bullied at school for my race and weight. By teachers and students.
• I never dated because I don't feel worthy and I am afraid of trusting others.
• I was recently on suicide watch.
• I am doing better and on the path of recovery.
• I'm still a ball of stress. I have my parent's genuine support and sisters, as well as close friends.
• I am no longer suicidal but I still struggle with the thought of having to live as myself. I wanna do better and hopefully I can someday.

 

[enter.the.void]

Hi everyone, im 40, male and from Switzerland - so my english will be probably not perfect, sorry in advance! My reason to leave this world is because my life (and probably for many others) has become a dystopian nightmare, with all the covid-19 measures and i have lost any hope that my life will be ever getting better in the future. I dont believe anymore that we will ever getting our freedom and civil rights back and life will become ever again normal. And since the begin of this madness in March i feel even more depressed, alienated und disconnected from the society full of submissive and apathetic normies and sadly even my best friends. Befor this all began, my life was on a good path after the horrible years 2017/18 full with major depression and suicidal thoughts - but with 2020 it has become a neverending downward spiral. If only i was not so afraid about the afterlife, i would have left this uncaring world long time ago - i have already a sufficient dose of F. but not the courage to finally do it.

 

[spathiphyllum]

Hello,

I'm an 18 year old, from Canada and I've been struggling for as long as I can remember. I've recently gone off to college 8 hours away from home and thus an opportunity to finally consider ctb soon. I have no dreams nor ambition, never had, and don't see myself getting one anytime soon.

I've had a pretty good childhood until my dad retired and started to dictate my life. Sports and school pressure from them and the teachers broke me from a young age and a bunch of other things that would take an eternity to cite.

Honestly, I just don't have the willpower to fake my life even more than what I've been doing for the last I don't know how long, and I've come to accept the meaninglessness of myself and all the things I represent.

 

[MindFrog]

Hi, MindFog here.

I'm 24 F coming from Asia, annnnnnnd you guess it!
very depressed.

I hate how long it took me to find this site. I wished i was here sooner honestly. Might have spared me from the heartaches Ive suffered now.

Life has been rough with me even when i was a kid and it just never stopped.
Everything that normal person can do, i had to use all my effort to replicate.
Lol, turns out i have autism although i think its too late to adjust myself.
I know autistic people who manage to flourish despite it all, but its exhausting. I'm tired of all that.

Knowing that if i and my parents learned about this earlier that maybe i could've been in a better state, really makes me want to scream.

What if i was born in a better household or in a firstworld country? What if we were rich? What if i was "normal"?

I have bad luck .But i also hate myself for being such a whiner. i know there's people out there in a worst position than me.
i just feel like i dont exist at all, is all.

Anyways, im planning on ctb next week, Wish me luck!!

 

[nachofriend]

This is my reintroduction as I asked to have some threads removed but since they all went away so did some of my permissions, so I guess this is round two ;P

I'm from the United States, I am 29 and identify as non binary but was born male bodied. My entire life consists of traumatic memories from my earliest moments I was pretty brutally abused physically, mentally, and sexually by a variety of folks.

I ran away from home the first time at 12 and at 14 was hopping trains and hitch hiking. Later I got it together a bit for a partner and am actually doing quite well for myself but my resilience is failing and maybe i can share some knowledge before i ctb.

Beyond that I have tried everything to feel like I deserve life or to feel good both good and bad so now days i just write my code, smoke my weed and play music sometimes until i have enough space to ctb.

thanks for readinf

 

[fly away]

Hi Everyone...I admit I've been lurking, but finally feel ready to say Hi. I'm a 59 Female living in the US. I have been terribly depressed and anxious and have tried to CTB in various ways for 48 yrs. I've tried so many different types of therapy, medications, hospitalizations and other treatments over the yrs. Finally found out I have CPTSD last yr. I feel like I've been living in a parallel universe my whole life. But enough is enough. I've been through the whole Dignatis thing (not successful), but now have everything I need to CTB. But I have 3 kids who are old enough to live on their own, but who would be destroyed if I CBT. I can't do that to them. I hate my life so much and just want to stop. But I'm stuck here. At least that's how I feel now. Maybe in a few more yrs things will be different and I can go. But I wanted to say how much I appreciate this site....to be able to see that I'm not alone is a huge relief.