Introduce yourself

[Higgy123]

Hello I'm a 29 year old male. This loneliness is making me very scared and desperate. Open to PMs from everyone, tonight is when I plan to hand myself from my garage rafter.

 

[AngrySkillet]

I eat rainbows and poop butterflies

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

Hi
I'm 39, from France.
Drawing and painting was my whole life, but because of neverending neuropathic pain I can't do it anymore.

 

[a_strange_day]

Hi
I'm 39, from France.
Drawing and painting was my whole life, but because of neverending neuropathic pain I can't do it anymore.

welcome. I love your username :)

 

[lonelymess]

Hi eveyone, I am late 30s female in EU. After lurking for weeks I decided to join. I want to die if life doesn't improve in the next month or so. It is the third time in my life that I seriously considered suicide. This time it's different, for years I really tried to make my life worthwhile but keep failing. Can't do this anymore.
This forum not only helps me figure out how to ctb, but I find it helpful and comforting to read your posts and knowing I am not alone in this.

 

[Ness]

Hello. You can all call me Ness.

Not sure how to do this introducing myself thing, I tend to lurk on forums because I can't help but think that nothing I write or say would be worth reading. But I'm working my way through this forum for a reason and I'll have to post for that so I thought I'd better at least say hi.

 

[Bathsheba]

Hi..So I've been lurking for a while but getting so much comfort from this community. So much openness, understand and love, more than I've seen in any other online forum. I'm 43 and from the UK. I know I'm going to ctb sooner or later, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 10 years though that's less likely. Bpd, issues with addiction and depression means I can't live life how others do.. every day is fucking hard and a struggle. I just need a break. I love the fact I know everyone here understands that xxx

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

welcome. I love your username :)

Thanks

 

[nothingleft]

Hi, I'm a 21 year old girl from the US.

I've perused mental health forums often in hopes of connecting with others that can relate. I've been on r/depression quite a bit, but talking openly about suicide or wanting to die is quickly met with a lot of "it gets better!" replies and links to suicide hotlines. I've been in a darker state of mind over the last couple months, and found this website while searching methods. I haven't made a firm decision to end my life, it's good to find a place where I feel that I don't have to keep my mouth shut about something so many people think about all the time. It's kinda fucked that you can't even really talk to a therapist much about suicidal urges/past attempts without being locked in a mental hospital here.

 

[Bea]

Hi..So I've been lurking for a while but getting so much comfort from this community. So much openness, understand and love, more than I've seen in any other online forum. I'm 43 and from the UK. I know I'm going to ctb sooner or later, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 10 years though that's less likely. Bpd, issues with addiction and depression means I can't live life how others do.. every day is fucking hard and a struggle. I just need a break. I love the fact I know everyone here understands that xxx
[/QU

Hello, I'm Wixer. I'm 40 years old and I've lived with suicidal thoughts for about 30 of those years. It started with an abusive family and a shitty hometown, but as I grew older and semi-successfully distanced myself from those, the thoughts didn't go away. They were only reinforced when I encountered "the real world" and learned just how unfit for it I was (and still am).

The quacks at the university mental health center got their claws into me when I took a downturn as a sophomore. Not long after that, while trying to cope with the effects of the bewildering array of pills they experimented with on me, I flunked the same class twice in a row and dropped out of college.

I'm still on the pills to this day; current diagnosis BPD with depression. They don't help me get any better, but I do get worse when I go off them, so I'm stuck with them. I hate them.

After a long string of terrible, soul-destroying temp jobs, I landed a terrible, soul-destroying permanent job and toughed it out for more than 15 years. During that time I had one attempt and one week in the psych ward (not related).

The ward was by far the worst experience of my life, and in that I'm including the time my dog died in my arms from internal bleeding after my father kicked him to punish me. He never once said he was sorry for that.

The root of my problem may have been genetic and environmental, but the trunk and branches were nourished by experience. I hate how selfish, greedy, stupid, and petty people can be. I don't want to share the same planet with bigots and flat earthers and people who could spend the equivalent of my entire yearly salary every minute of every hour for the rest of their lives and still die richer than me.

In December of last year, I simply hit my limit. I resigned and took out my meager retirement savings, telling everyone that I intended to take a couple of months off "to find myself" and then look for another job. I think we all know what I really intended.

I joined an online support group while I waited for my savings to run out. I enjoy being able to offer empathy and what little advice I can, but I dislike having to tiptoe around the big S. This culture, steeped in stigmatization and criminalization, would have us believe that any life is inherently and objectively better than not being alive, no matter how miserable and degraded that life may be. I think that's a steaming pile of horseshit. I didn't choose to be thrust into this meat grinder, but I will choose when to exit, cultural judgements be damned.

The past several months of unemployed isolation arguably have been the best of my life. If I could continue this way, I'd probably make it to at least 50. But it can't continue; the money is almost gone. I have been trying to find another job, but not very hard. I know any job that would hire me will have the same effect on my sanity as all the others have. My two biggest regrets will be the effect my departure will have on my roommate and closest friend, and the fact that I never managed to adopt another dog.

Childhood trauma is a bitch, and most of us never recover from it. I have hope for current research, but for those of us that endured it decades ago and had our developing brains shaped by such events and little help in the meantime, it's a different story.
I, too, am currently in an unemployed state of self-imposed isolation, and it can't last for long. But, I definitely understand where you are coming from. Thank you for sharing so openly.

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

Hi, I'm a 21 year old girl from the US.

I've perused mental health forums often in hopes of connecting with others that can relate. I've been on r/depression quite a bit, but talking openly about suicide or wanting to die is quickly met with a lot of "it gets better!" replies and links to suicide hotlines. I've been in a darker state of mind over the last couple months, and found this website while searching methods. I haven't made a firm decision to end my life, it's good to find a place where I feel that I don't have to keep my mouth shut about something so many people think about all the time. It's kinda fucked that you can't even really talk to a therapist much about suicidal urges/past attempts without being locked in a mental hospital here.

Welcome nothingleft, I really feel the same as you

 

[OverItAll]

I'm in my 40's, from New Zealand. Have always had suicide as an option in my mind when things got too much to handle. I'm now at that point, just researching exit methods, trying to figure out the most reliable, painless, and that doesn't leave me too much of a mess for my family to find/identify.

 

[GreyMagic]

Hey OverItAll welcome to this forum. Love the fact you are from New Zealand, as would really love to visit.

Take your time researching as ctb shouldn't be rushed.

 

[catharticEscapism]

Hello, you can call me Bells. I'm 31 and have varying interests (video games, fandom, roleplay) that I would love to get back into if the anhedonia would ever fuck off. I'm a huge geek and usually down for a chat. I probably talk too much, but that's just because I'm not used to being around people that understand where I'm coming from (suicidal).

 

[Bea]

Hi
I'm 39, from France.
Drawing and painting was my whole life, but because of neverending neuropathic pain I can't do it anymore.

I just want to express empathy because I can only imagine how difficult that would be. Nothing helps the pain???

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

Thanks Bea,
Antidepressants could help, but they also triggered my chronic tinnitus and akathisia 4 years ago, and now I'm afraid of taking them again.
I'm in a dead end.
I love life, but it seems life doesn't love me...

 

[OverItAll]

Thanks Bea,
Antidepressants could help, but they also triggered my chronic tinnitus and akathisia 4 years ago, and now I'm afraid of taking them again.
I'm in a dead end.
I love life, but it seems life doesn't love me...

Fuck that's heartbreaking. Really feel for you.

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

Fuck that's heartbreaking. Really feel for you.

Thanks, you're kind.

 

[Quitter]

Hi all. Late 20s, female, northern europe. I've been stagnating and aimless in life for the past 10 years, which is when I was diagnosed with depression and GAD. I highly suspect I'm actually suffering from AD(H)D but I can't be arsed to get a diagnosis.

I was supposed to kill myself 5 years ago but then I met my boyfriend. Sounds like a fairy tale, right? He really is my gallant prince on a white horse... yet nothing much has changed, except I'm older, more disappointed with myself than ever and have few more people that I might upset with ctb. Then again I have been a lying, flakey sack of shit the past few months, trying to distance myself from people. It hurts so much but I hope it makes things easier for the people left behind.

I ordered supplies for my methods today, feeling relieved. I have until Christmas to set my affairs straight, because after that it's hard for me to get alone time.

 

[GoneAndDirty]

Hi there.
I'm a 19 years old guy from France, I'm schizophrenic, in depression and also asperger. I didn't take my meds for 6 months now for different reasons. I started college this year because I tried killing myself twice last year and couldn't attend it. Right now I'm looking for a secure, "painless" method to end my life because I don't see any outcome in it whatsoever. I'm mostly here to discuss it and find some courage in doing it. Glad to meet you all.

 

[IsadoraBeauxdraps]

Hi there.
I'm a 19 years old guy from France, I'm schizophrenic, in depression and also asperger. I didn't take my meds for 6 months now for different reasons. I started college this year because I tried killing myself twice last year and couldn't attend it. Right now I'm looking for a secure, "painless" method to end my life because I don't see any outcome in it whatsoever. I'm mostly here to discuss it and find some courage in doing it. Glad to meet you all.

Bienvenue GoneAndDirty, I'm from France too. I'm sorry that you have to think about ending your life at just 19

 

[GoneAndDirty]

Bienvenue GoneAndDirty, I'm from France too. I'm sorry that you have to think about ending your life at just 19

It's fine don't worry, thanks anyway :)

 

[almost there ....]

... hello people , my name is tommy ... I'm 52 ... ive spent my life as a musician / teacher . I've battled substance abuse and now depression from failed relationships and professional endeavors ... I'm currently clean about 2 months . the pain I feel is from all the guilt and shame of letting the people in my life down and I want to end the pain ... I've never been diagnosed with a mental illness but this last two months have been in complete isolation and inside my apt .
... my thoughts and plans of attempting seem stronger than ever and I'm scared . I feel I have no way out and it's my only choice right now ... I wish you all love and healing in whatever manner finds you ... t

 

[Mort]

Bin on here for a while but thought pop on hereand say hello one and all . Want to know about me well i am old fat and bin no use to any one if try to do sum thing mess it up and turns to crap . Pont out one i had a friend a lady friend thats all we were just very good friends were like thatfot 7 years but i did sum thing to mess it up now she stopped talking to me. So back to being on my own its for the best in the end as i am just a sad miserable old basted and so it shall be for ever until the day I die. And hope that soon the way i am getting through pain killers my liver and kidneys are going to fry soon well i hope so YAY . Time for sado to say tata for now back later may be :D

 

[Rachel74]

Hello all,
I got diagnosed with Bipolar 22 years ago and recently with ME. I've been fighting all my life. I decided to join this forum as I needed to chat to others that are battling. I'm a great actress and can play the happy go lucky person but deep down I'm dying. I hate people and trust no one. I feel void of emotions to everyone and everything apart from my dogs.
At the moment sleep is my salvation. I illegally buy sleeping tablets as the doctor as cut me off and got into so much debt because of it so had to stop.
I recently came off sleeping tablets and I'm trying CBD oil now.
Few people know about my illness as no one understands it.
I've destroyed lots of relationships because of my mental health and because I'm not very open.
Happy to offer advise and support and right now not ready to die. One last stab at treatment methinks.
Love to you all x

 

[Thetimeisnow]

Hey, I guess I'm just posting so I can get up to my 5 posts and be able to message people. Glad to be here

 

[Whatever123]

Hello. I think it's time for me to go soon, but it's nice to know I have a place to put this beforehand. I have depression, anxiety and BPD. I'm a failure whose sister died from cancer years ago and the most important person in my life couldn't handle me anymore and is probably doing better now than I ever will. I'm so sad and scared and alone and finally ready. My issues basically paralyze to the point that doing simple tasks is hard, not to mention trying to keep my job.

My sister was so full of life, even until the end. Things seemed so effortless for her. I, on the other hand, could never keep my emotions in check. Still can't, but I'm so done.

 

[Sooniwontbehuman]

Hey, You can just call me human i guess.
Im a girl, 18.
Im kind of a mess, and although i try to not be it doesnt work. I have chronic pain and the doctors dont know why. I have never gone to a doctor for mental health (because my dad doesnt believe in therapy or meds) however i get panic attacks a shit ton, not daily but more than once a week, typically when i have one ill have multiple in the same day. Im suicidal, but probably wont do it because of my parents. But I am great academically so even if i dont have any friends and am miserable at least i have that.

 

[Deleted member 10475]

Hi everyone,

I'm 25, Female and from NY. I've been lurking and finally decided to join since you all seem like wonderful people.

I've been struggling with depression since I was about 11 (and the first time I attempted to commit suicide) and it's been getting increasingly difficult over the years, been trying to cope with a traumatic rape and abusive relationships but I haven't been doing so well. My suicidal thoughts are always present, some days they're easier to manage. I haven't totally decided when I'll CTB but I know for sure it'll happen eventually. I'm hoping being in a community like this will help me be comfortable to share my thoughts and feelings.

As for other stuff, I'm really into art, reading, podcasts, gaming and music. Just typical things, I guess?

Anyways, I really appreciate the fact that this site exists, it sucks that we're here feeling the way we do but it's comforting being around others who you can relate to. Hoping we all find peace, one way or another.

xo

 

[okaoki]

Hi , 30 M from Malaysia , on and off in this forum
but it seems it's closer than ever , im scared clueless on what to do , how and when.
anxiety and depression , not good parents and a bad brother . and in environment and situation