Introduce yourself

[Futility]

Hi!

I suffer from CPTSD and mild DID because I was a victim of childhood abuse and neglect and then went to fall in love with the first guy I met who feigned love and care that I was desperate for, I became a victim of human trafficking and married said man, who then tried to get me hooked on meth and wanted to sell my body and have me work at a shady sweat shop with a fake ID to maintain complete control of me.
It became abusive in many different ways to the point I had to cross over what DIDN'T apply in the domestic abuse wheel chart.
I ran away with help from the authorities and a friend I wasn't allowed to have, and fell in love again, things are better, but, I'm broken and there's things that will remain broken for the rest of my life as well as having to dodge everyone's "help" that sends me into a downwards spiral every time or they get so frustrated with my inability to function like your average Joe that they trigger me into an episode consisting of flashbacks and panic.

I think the weirdest part is that I've always remembered not being too interested in life to begin with, I failed to see a point in existing as early as 4 years old, long before the abuse became severe.

There's few things I truly enjoy in life, one of them is video games, and then there's the dog I ended up with because of someone threatening to have it put down if I didn't adopt it, so I guess I own a dog now, she's probably my best friend.

 

[FXBoerQ]

So here I am, I needed to get this off my chest before doing the inevitable.

I grew up very poor and feeling worthless, at the age of 19 I got my girlfriend of 17 pregnant. We got married. I stepped up and started working 12 hours a day, and after work study for about 3 hours. Started doing bodybuilding and soon found myself selling anabolic steroids to make extra cash to afford to move out of my parents house with my son and wife.

My son was 3 years old when my wife cheated on me with the pastor of the local church... We had a very bad custody battle but I won and got custody of my son. We lived with my mom and her husband at the time.

At the age of 25 I started a business with some investors, after 5 years things went sideways fast... Mostly my fault, I made some really stupid business decisions... But hindsight is 20/20. I started using the companies funds for personal use... Just to prove to people that I succeeded in life and make my son proud of his dad.

Being a diagnosed narcissistic sociopath I could easily manipulate people and lie just to keep my business going and keep getting funds. It all seemed to be so easy and I did not even feel a bit ashamed of myself, I felt great for manipulating all this "smart" rich business people. To be honest I even lied to myself cause I truly believed I could make the business work.

When everything went tits up, I decided to dissappear and let nobody know where I am. I made all necessary arrangements for my son to stay at my mom and she takes good care of him... Come to think of it, I lived with my grandparents from age 14.... Anyway now all my additional cash I had stashed away to try and make the money back for the investors is finished and I have nothing left, I lost all that too. I have been living with my mom for about 6 months again. I can't pretend anymore and I don't want to disappoint my son any further.

I basically BS myself to think I could make the money back I had lost. I have tried everything I know and even tried getting a job again.... But that didn't work out at all.

So I am going to give myself a week to plan everything, I am strangly at peace, just can't decide hanging or firearm (only problem is, the ammo is very old) and the firearm I plan on using is someone else's and it is not registered, so I am thinking he might get in trouble if I use it and his firearm license expired.

 

[justventingmaybe9]

Been up for a few days. Joined to vent. Thanks in advance for listening.

 

[sadsadinfp]

Hi, I'm male, 30, joined up to vent the last of my angst and to read some advice.

I think there are a few things that led me here. First of all mental health problems run in my family, my aunt is BPD and continually threatens suicide, a couple of my 2nd cousins over in Italy actually did kill themselves, everyone in my mom's family has struggled with depression and anxiety.

Second, I come from what can only be called a broken home, my parents alternated between arguments and frigid silence for the entirety of my childhood (and as I learned later, my mom was having an affair and stealing money from my dad for her bf) and divorced when I was 16. As a kid I craved affection, but my mom was pretty cold and tended to take out her frustration on me and my siblings. I was bullied all the way through school and never had many friends. After grade 4 all the friends I had moved way all at once, and that's when my depression really set in. I haven't had a single day since then that was really happy, I don't have a single unambiguously happy memory from the past 20 years to look back on.

Also, at the start of grade 1 I met a kid in my class who also lived on the same street as me, and because he was bigger, stronger and more aggressive than me (I'm very shy and introverted) was able to bully me a lot at school, and forced me to do sexual things with him until I was 11 or 12. Obviously this has messed my head up enormously in ways I still don't think I entirely understand. I told my mom over and over that he was mean and tried to get her to tell him I wasn't home when he'd come over, but I think she was worried about me not having friends and would always take his side against me.

I think maybe because of this and the way my mom raised my I have gender dysphoria, though transitioning is out of the question for me, it's too late and anyway I don't want it. But if I could snap my fingers and make myself a girl I'd die of happiness. I also hate being tall, even though girls like tall guys, it just doesn't match the image of myself I have in my head. People say stuff like "be your ideal self!" but I can't do that when I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin.

Anyway, my adulthood has been a total disaster, I can't settle on a career choice, I'm interested in everything but I can't see any sort of work making me satisfied or not feeling like I'm wasting my "potential" or whatever. I was an excellent student in the early grades but from the time I was 10 my grades went way downhill, and I barely graduated high school. 5 years ago I went to night school and upgraded my marks to a 90%, but then completely blew it in university. I was so miserable, I hated the whole environment.

I keep looking for some idea, some kind of movement to follow, something, anything to give me hope, something to believe in. I was a pious little Catholic child and I really believed, but my "Catholic" high school put an end to that. I'm trying to embrace faith again but now I feel like my heart is too covered with the filth of 12 years of adult life to be able to really go back to the Church, as much as I want to.

Now I'm in big legal trouble, because of an addiction I haven't been able to kick, and I might be going to prison. With my temperament I don't think I'd survive in there, and even if I did I think I'd be so changed by the experience I wouldn't be able to live with myself anymore. Better to go out now and save my family the shame. And even as it is, I've caused my family so much suffering, messed up so many chances at great friendships and romance and permanently stained my soul.

I want out of this modern world. I can't stand the cruelty, the coldness, the unkindness, the way people hurt each other and don't care. I think of the way I was as a small child, and think about what the world has done to me and what I've done to myself since then, and I want to cry. That little boy could have been something better and I wish I hadn't let him down so terribly. But maybe I was just cursed from the start, born in the wrong place, in the wrong time.

(Sorry for the wall of text)

 

[Berlin76]

Hi all

I am berlin, male from europe.
Have been depressed for many years and have ptsd.
Last a lot not only my mind but also my social live and haven't worked for years now.
There is no perspective on therapy for me, and also not willing anymore.

Have been busy with getting my own method for the last year now .
So i am here to find support and info and open for any subject of conversation , so feel free to talk pm.

nice to meet you all

Hi, I'm male, 30, joined up to vent the last of my angst and to read some advice.


I want out of this modern world. I can't stand the cruelty, the coldness, the unkindness, the way people hurt each other and don't care. I think of the way I was as a small child, and think about what the world has done to me and what I've done to myself since then, and I want to cry. That little boy could have been something better and I wish I hadn't let him down so terribly. But maybe I was just cursed from the start, born in the wrong place, in the wrong time.

(Sorry for the wall of text)

dont worry for the wall of text, you have a lot on your mind so vent it oout here.

welcome

 

[MerrySkeleton]

Hi everyone,
I'm a 28 year old male currently living in NYC and I've been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember. I don't have any one particular reason for being depressed other than that I've always felt deeply detached from the people, places and things which surround me. I feel a little guilty about it because I know there are people on here struggling with more tangible issues (such as physical illness) but I honestly can't recall the last time I felt content with life and I don't see why I would ever feel that way in the future. Ketamine has been helpful for bringing my depression down suicidal levels, but I'm not sure how long that will last. I'm not working at the moment, but when I do work I work in film/video. I don't really talk to anyone (save for small talk with my family) so I'm hoping that this forum will give me an opportunity to chat with people of a similar mindset.

 

[wildmoon]

Hi everyone.

I am a new member from the UK. I was diagnosed with bpd onl two years ago after years of wondering if this is more than just depression. I am just very tired of everything...as you all will understand.
I was searching for Pisobental suppliers on google and this site was one of the google results. I did not know such forums existed and I am glad to have found it, it will be comforting to converse with people who will understand.
I guess I am deciding on my options and it is comforting to know I have support in my options in a place like this.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

Hi everyone,
I'm a 28 year old male currently living in NYC and I've been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember. I don't have any one particular reason for being depressed other than that I've always felt deeply detached from the people, places and things which surround me. I feel a little guilty about it because I know there are people on here struggling with more tangible issues (such as physical illness) but I honestly can't recall the last time I felt content with life and I don't see why I would ever feel that way in the future. Ketamine has been helpful for bringing my depression down suicidal levels, but I'm not sure how long that will last. I'm not working at the moment, but when I do work I work in film/video. I don't really talk to anyone (save for small talk with my family) so I'm hoping that this forum will give me an opportunity to chat with people of a similar mindset.

Welcome

Hi everyone.

I am a new member from the UK. I was diagnosed with bpd onl two years ago after years of wondering if this is more than just depression. I am just very tired of everything...as you all will understand.
I was searching for Pisobental suppliers on google and this site was one of the google results. I did not know such forums existed and I am glad to have found it, it will be comforting to converse with people who will understand.
I guess I am deciding on my options and it is comforting to know I have support in my options in a place like this.

Welcome

 

[wildmoon]

Welcome


Welcome

Thanks, Beautifulletdown. :)

 

[stardust353]

Hello there, I am an Australian living in the UK. I have been looking for a forum like this for a while, as I believe in personal choice over life/death.

I won't go into details about my life, but I have been considering ending my life for several years. I feel content with my decision and plan to carry out my plan in the next few months hopefully. I'm not doing it out of sadness or anything, I just feel like it's the right choice for me. I don't really have any dreams or goals, so I'm ready to go.

I currently pass my time writing stories and drawing. I also play a lot of D&D, and like writing as a DM. I will be taking some time to decide my suicide holiday, so if anyone has recommendations for things to do before I go I would appreciate it :)

 

[Beautifulletdown]

Hello there, I am an Australian living in the UK. I have been looking for a forum like this for a while, as I believe in personal choice over life/death.

I won't go into details about my life, but I have been considering ending my life for several years. I feel content with my decision and plan to carry out my plan in the next few months hopefully. I'm not doing it out of sadness or anything, I just feel like it's the right choice for me. I don't really have any dreams or goals, so I'm ready to go.

I currently pass my time writing stories and drawing. I also play a lot of D&D, and like writing as a DM. I will be taking some time to decide my suicide holiday, so if anyone has recommendations for things to do before I go I would appreciate it :)

Welcome

 

[BDS2]

Hi everyone,
I am 26 years old and looking to be gone ASAP, but my method options are limited due to a physical disability.

 

[woxihuanni]

Hello,

I am a worthless piece of trash. A slimy worm. Yuck.

 

[bea1974]

Hi. I've been here for a few weeks now but just spotted this thread tonight.

I'm 44 years old, female, and queer. I live in London with my elderly, dearly beloved, dog.

When she goes, I will be free to go.

I have a plan, thanks to people here for help with that, I just need two more items and I'll be ready. I live on a low income so have to wait for my monthly payment before I can make the final purchases.

I read more than I post. I appreciate this site very much.

 

[Luchs]

Hi, my name is David, but just call me Luchs.
I like reading and writing stories, the 80s aesthetic and music. If you need/want someone to talk to I'm here. I also like philosophy, politics and economics.
Excuse my english, I'm the Austrian equivalent of a hillbilly, so I'm not too good at it. ;)

 

[blanketyblk]

Hi, my name is David, but just call me Luchs.
I like reading and writing stories, the 80s aesthetic and music. If you need/want someone to talk to I'm here. I also like philosophy, politics and economics.
Excuse my english, I'm the Austrian equivalent of a hillbilly, so I'm not too good at it. ;)

Another fellow Australian hillbilly! :-) wooohoo nice to meet you Luchs and welcome!

 

[DownFall]

Hello,
I'm 25, male from Europe.

I'm quite reserved individual and won't let people close because of trust issues. Everywhere I just tend to end up alone because of that and because I don't have anything meaningful to say anyway. Not sure if I have some sort of autism or is it all just my social anxiety. I'm not much of a writer or good at sharing my thoughts but I love reading your stories. I can relate so many of you and see that I'm not alone in this world.

So thank you all and it's sad to see so many wonderful people end up in a place like this but I guess it just shows how the world is. Hopefully we can all get some peace soon.

 

[Luchs]

Another fellow Australian hillbilly! :-) wooohoo nice to meet you Luchs and welcome!

Sorry to break your bubble, but you misread. I'm from Austria. :)

 

[irregularheartbeat]

Hi everyone, I just joined yesterday. I'm 21 years old, female, y'all can call me Danny.
I was going to take my life on my birthday but chickened out because I was ill prepared. Now I'm sitting in the middle of my decision, just trying to gain more knowledge on all methods, and anything possible really to make my mind.
Not much is holding me here except my dad.
I love art, poetry, music. I don't know how to describe myself, I'm just tired.

 

[Luchs]

Hi everyone, I just joined yesterday. I'm 21 years old, female, y'all can call me Danny.
I was going to take my life on my birthday but chickened out because I was ill prepared. Now I'm sitting in the middle of my decision, just trying to gain more knowledge on all methods, and anything possible really to make my mind.
Not much is holding me here except my dad.
I love art, poetry, music. I don't know how to describe myself, I'm just tired.

That's a cute cat in your pfp, is it yours?

 

[irregularheartbeat]

That's a cute cat in your pfp, is it yours?

Oh no, not mine, just a picture of a cute fella I've had saved some time. I do have two of my own though, Kye Anderson and Han Solo :)

 

[Luchs]

Oh no, not mine, just a picture of a cute fella I've had saved some time. I do have two of my own though, Kye Anderson and Han Solo :)

I also have two, a fluffy lady called peaches and a handsome guy called Oscar, they're my everything and one of the only things keeping me in this world.

 

[coma-baby]

I've been suicidal since I was about four years old. Some years are better and some years are worse. I'm about to turn 21, I'm getting married next year.
I have no idea what to do with myself. I never thought that I would get this old. I joined this forum site to try to find information and tips on how to effectively CTB. I'm tired of being around. I'm scared of what's to come.
We'll see what happens during my stay here.
Feel free to talk with me about LGBT-specific issues (as I am transgender and bisexual myself).
I draw sometimes - my icon is actually a painting I did with ink.
I write sometimes. Sometimes I play video games. It all depends on how immobilizing my depression has me at any given time.
I'm really into true crime and comedy. As well as New Wave.

 

[Lucet]

I am Lucet. Male, 24.


Longtime lurker of this board, but new member. My time is limited on this planet, I will be gone 12/31/2019, unless my life dramatically takes a turn for the better, not even that, not unless I can 100% find the strength to commit to living.

In the meantime, lurking here and knowing I'm alone, and staying focused on the things I genuinely enjoy doing is what I do with my life in the meantime, along with working a bit.

I decided to finally register as a member mainly to interact with some of the discussions here, as well as hopefully try and formulate connections with others in a similar position as me/others who can at least understand where I'm at, mentally. So please feel free to reach out! Would love to connect during these last day's. There is a tad bit more about me on my profile, so feel free to check that out as well.

 

[Aonewayticketplease]

Hi All,

I'm a 47 year old male living in the UK.

While I am currently not considering suicide I have come to the realisation that it may be a possibility in the future if things continue for me the way they are. The past 3 years of my life have been a total waste of time. I have regressed in just about every way I can think of and every day it gets worse. I joined the forum to research different ways to CTB as I am terrified of living through a botched attempt should it ever come to that.

"What's been happening for the past 3 years to cause the regression?" I hear you all cry.

It was a job loss, followed by a relocation to the UK. I had hoped that the move would be more of an adventure but the word "misadventure" is a more accurate description.

 

[Beautifulletdown]

Hi All,

I'm a 47 year old male living in the UK.

While I am currently not considering suicide I have come to the realisation that it may be a possibility in the future if things continue for me the way they are. The past 3 years of my life have been a total waste of time. I have regressed in just about every way I can think of and every day it gets worse. I joined the forum to research different ways to CTB as I am terrified of living through a botched attempt should it ever come to that.

"What's been happening for the past 3 years to cause the regression?" I hear you all cry.

It was a job loss, followed by a relocation to the UK. I had hoped that the move would be more of an adventure but the word "misadventure" is a more accurate description.

Welcome. I can relate to things not going as intended. The last 4 years for me have been a disappointment for lack of a better word.

 

[a.c.]

Hi.

My name is Anna, and I'm 20 years old. I study art history in college. I'd like to kill myself. I don't really have much more to add.

 

[Nootnoot]

Hi all,

I am from Australia, 35 years old, male. My reason for exploring this forum is that from a young age, I have always thought about suicide. I have no idea why until I found out that I may have autassassinophilia. My fantasies often involved drowning or beheading. I never knew there was a name to my condition until the Internet came along. It would explain why I have no luck with relationship with men or women.

I attempted to drown myself when I was 18 years old, didnt suceed which I blamed me drinking too much alcohol and then travelling to the beach. I should have ingested the alcohol when I was at the beach. By the time I reach the beach I was sober and couldnt sink or fall alseep under water.

Now at 35, I feel like life is such a drag, I have no idea why I am alive or so blessed. I live in a country safe, no wars, no natural disaster, prosperous. Nothing makes sense, I do not deserve such a good life. Children in Syria or Iraq would probably want a sliver of what I have but can never have where as I seem to be wasting life. Everything in my life is going well, I do Crossfit, swimming, surfing, etc so I am in good shape. I have a good job which I like but still the thought of ending it all creeps in every single day.

I am just tired of my head space

Hi,
Every one says I am a toxic person...and sadly I believe them...I like anime,japanese rock,beer and sleep

Anime is god's gift to humanity

Hi I am 24 from a small island country in Asia. I suffer from severe mental illnesses and haven't had a good sleep for ages.

I had a disturbing childhood that basically killed the best of me. Once I was very happy when I lived in London, but I couldn't stay any longer due to visa issues and had to come back to this shit hole where stops me from being who I really am. I genuinely hate being in Asia and all the conservative/judgemental people/culture around me. But I'm likely to be stuck in here for long because I'm broke and so is my family. A dream of studying a master degree in the UK/ creating art 24/7 /working abroad seems impossible for me. I blame myself for not being able to control my life, my emotions, thoughts and all. I've been haunted by the past and traumatic experience, plus can't stop worrying the future too. Everything's fucked and I'm a real mess.

I've attempted to kill myself a couple times but failed as my family and some random people found out. Won't stop seeking the best way to death as long as I'm alive.

HK or Singapore?

 

[Kiwi]

37 year old New Zealander.

Looking to find like minded individuals to help me in my quest to find final peace.

 

[Tom9999]

Hello everyone. Mid-50's American male here. I gave life all I had repeatedly but got nothing much for it but suffering. I had some enjoyable times but not near enough to compensate for even 1% of the suffering. This last failed attempt (of many) at getting what I want from life just did me in. Being out of money, hope, ideas, and resilience, I've decided to end it.

I now realize two things.

1. At the end of your life all you have is the person you were.
2. Opportunities to extend and exchange kindness and love to yourself and other living beings, in whatever form, big or small, are the most precious of all opportunities, and being able to recognize and take full advantage of them is the most important skill to acquire and develop.

I am thankful for all I learned while lurking. This board was critical in enabling me to examine, select, and develop my CTB methods. I'm very relieved to now have several quick and reliable ways of dying immediately available to me. I'd like to express my thanks by extending understanding and kindness here while I am able.

Hugs to everyone.