Introduce yourself

[Pepper]

Hello everyone. You can call me Pepper. I'm a 23-year-old female from the United States. I've been dealing with major depressive disorder, social anxiety disorder, and suicide ideation since I was a child. As of 2015, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I've attempted suicide 10 times (2012-2015) and was almost successful on three attempts, but they were intervened. Within the past year, I've gone through a lot: my mother had to have a triple bypass, I was diagnosed with unspecified porphyria that has affected my cognition immensely, and my father had two strokes. I'm hoping to ctb peacefully this year because I mentally and physically cannot keep going on living like this.

 

[gorganizing]

Hi everyone. I'm a 21 year old American with no future or functional lifestyle, struggling with mental illness. Here to learn some of the best methods to ctb, hopefully within the next two weeks. Glad to have found a community that can help me figure this out.

 

[DnR]

Hi all, I'm a 30 y/o male from the UK, I've had suicidal impulses since I was 10 years old and attempted twice - once with Amitriptiline/tranquillisers & opiates and once cutting my wrists. Both times ended in highly traumatic experiences in the hospital. I'm checking out for good soon, probably by jumping. I've been managing for years with various drugs but they are no longer effective, and I see it as selfish to just prolong the inevitable - its cruel on my long suffering family, I have no real friends to speak of. In the meantime if I can offer any info/advice or just a listening ear then I'm at your service :)

 

[deltahead]

20 year old brazilian. my memory has decayed to the point where i've forgotten how i even learned english, though it was certainly during childhood. born to a couple that really should have been doing literally anything else that's not having a child. i remember nothing from my childhood aside from a few miserable, inconsequential memories and a constant fear of impending doom, nullification, hopelessness. i remember contemplating death during recess at 10 years old. i remember telling my mother at 11 years old how i saw no point in living if we were just going to die anyway. after i finished 4th grade (a decade ago), my parents just decided to take me out of school and i've never gone back since, though it did take several years for child services to catch on. i've spent every single day since glued to a computer screen. i have not learned anything. i have not done anything, even though there's nothing stopping me. i don't know how to live or even think of myself as human. i have never been in a relationship, romantic or platonic, even online. people try to be my friends but it all falls apart once they realize what i really am. lots of internet pedophiles were enamored with me when i was a child, though. i guess you could call that a relationship? i struggle with things most toddlers have a sufficiently good grasp of. i get to watch people who are my age or even younger than me thrive and do incredible things while i'm knocked so far from orbit the earth no longer resembles anything to me. no matter what metaphor i use or what angle i approach this from, it all just seems freakish and ridiculous and intolerable. whatever happens to me in the future, it's going to be like getting kicked out of the nest despite having no wings and just hitting the pavement. i guess i'm looking forward to that day.

 

[Kit_the_kat]

Hey, kit the kat here. Just tired. Tired of everything, I just want to sleep forever. Two failed attempts and hopefully the third one is successful. I'm open if anyone wants to talk. I have no one to talk to. I'm also open to chatting while gaming. I'm new to this forum thing. not sure how to PM. Lol
PM me if you want my PSN so we can chat/vent and play some games.

 

[mutagen5577]

29 male USA. Suicidal for years. I don't have the courage to attempt. My problems stem from physical/appearance issues. I'm just an overall useless human. I have no friends and do basically nothing.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Hello everyone, I'm just here for the company before I depart.

I used to enjoy making songs on my synthesizer and music was my passion.

 

[riverstyx]

To make it short, I have cancer and treatment options are limited.

I could be dead within 6-24 months. It all depends on my response to the treatment I'm getting, which is palliative in nature.

We'll see what happens. My dream scenario would be to have access to N, but realistically it seems hard to get and gambling with $600 worth of my hard earned money.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

Hello everyone, my name is Luiz. I'm a young guy from São Paulo, Brazil, a crappy place if you ask me. I have been hopeless and been bitter for life, but I only started being suicidal only a few months ago. I struggle with Asperger's syndrome, ADHD, anxiety and more importantly my low IQ. Ironically enough, I'm a nerd. I love reading and learning, but this only contributes to my frustration as I have difficulty learning new things. I like videogames, politics, science, philosophy, reading, cooking and watching Doctor Who. My personality type (according to the 16P personality test which is the best I ever found) is INTJ-T (Introverted, imaginative and idealistic, logical, good at planning, perfectionist and prone to stress). I only had one or two friends in life and stopped talking to them a while ago. I dreamed of becoming a politician and change my country or even the world, but I had given up on that dream as I realized I'm not capable of that.
My reasons for wanting to ctb are varied, but I believe they are logical enough to justify doing it since they center around things that cannot be fixed. I once tried to ctb a few months ago by overdosing on benzodiazepines, triciclic antidepressants and antipsychotics. It unfortunately didn't work despite my precautions and I only slept a lot and had hiccups. I could say that it at least was painless. I plan to ctb by sodium nitrite since I can't afford the holy N and I wouldn't have the guts to try more agressive methods (getting a gun on my country would be relatively easier now with the new president but I can't imagine blowing my own head up with a shotgun). I never did anything important in life and probably would be just another meaningless slave to capitalism if I wanted to keep living.
Hmm, I think that's it. I may have wrote more than it was expected. Sorry, I like writing long posts. Anyway, glad to meet you guys.

 

[UnityKinkaid]

Hello everyone,

I don't think I've registered for any forum / site since 2008; I'm generally a lurker. I'm so grateful that I discovered SS. I have found a lot of comfort in the 2 weeks or so I've been reading here.

I suppose I don't sign up for things because I often feel that anything I contribute won't be worthwhile or more often, someone has already said it or expressed it better than I ever could.

I'm going on four decades of existing. Last year I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (for years they told me I was bipolar) which made so much sense to me and also felt so defeating. If only I had been correctly diagnosed years ago, perhaps I wouldn't suffer so much because I might have started DBT sooner? Or I would have ctb because BPD is so alienating and I loathe knowing what and how I am, feeling mostly powerless to change or improve.

Last year was the first time I was subjected to involuntary hospitalization because I told a friend about my plan to leave using CO. I said then that I would STFU about potential future plans.

I also have major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety, ADD (likely OCD also). It seems my life is defined by these designations and abbreviations but chugs along so empty. I have two cats I love very much, and when I look at their sweet faces I feel so ashamed and guilty.

Blah, blah. :-) Thanks to you all for being here. I never imagined I would research effective suicide methods and discover a forum like this. Don't know how long I'll be around, but it's nice to be here.

 

[Mysterymeat]

Wow. That's me! I have severe MDD, ADD, anxiety, borderline "traits", and lupus. My borderline traits make it impossible for me to have romantic relationships or even friendships. I've never tried an intense DBT program but have done a lot of reading and groups so I can say it's helpful.

I'm here to warn you that without a lot of effort and therapy it can get a lot worse. I've had too many attempts to count. Too many hospitalizations. I lost my job because of depression and my only choice now is ECT, shock therapy. I wish I had taken my mental health more seriously earlier.

My only comfort in life is my dog and cat. Sadly, another cat who was my baby suddenly died a month ago and since then I've been very serious about wanting to die. I've lost everything and haven't been a part of society for a year now. There's no going back for me.

I really hope you try because people do learn to have good lives and the things people with BPD experience makes them very interesting people to know.

To make it short, I have cancer and treatment options are limited.

I could be dead within 6-24 months. It all depends on my response to the treatment I'm getting, which is palliative in nature.

We'll see what happens. My dream scenario would be to have access to N, but realistically it seems hard to get and gambling with $600 worth of my hard earned money.

I wish I could help.

 

[UnityKinkaid]

Wow. That's me! I have severe MDD, ADD, anxiety, borderline "traits", and lupus. My borderline traits make it impossible for me to have romantic relationships or even friendships. I've never tried an intense DBT program but have done a lot of reading and groups so I can say it's helpful.

I'm here to warn you that without a lot of effort and therapy it can get a lot worse. I've had too many attempts to count. Too many hospitalizations. I lost my job because of depression and my only choice now is ECT, shock therapy. I wish I had taken my mental health more seriously earlier.

My only comfort in life is my dog and cat. Sadly, another cat who was my baby suddenly died a month ago and since then I've been very serious about wanting to die. I've lost everything and haven't been a part of society for a year now. There's no going back for me.

I really hope you try because people do learn to have good lives and the things people with BPD experience makes them very interesting people to know.

I wish I could help.

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry about your cat, that's so painful :-( They're so wonderful.

(Whoops, I'm not sure I reply in this thread? Noob here!)

I know that DBT would likely be beneficial if I put in the effort again...and that makes me more anxious and depressed. In my calmer moments I try to radically accept and cope ahead but it's as if there's a part of me I lack control over that tells me I should die. The voice is constant, it simply varies in intensity.

I am sorry that we are meeting each other on the Internet this way, and I thank you for making me feel slightly less lonely. I don't feel my most articulate right now and I wish I could communicate better.

Wow. That's me! I have severe MDD, ADD, anxiety, borderline "traits", and lupus. My borderline traits make it impossible for me to have romantic relationships or even friendships. I've never tried an intense DBT program but have done a lot of reading and groups so I can say it's helpful.

I'm here to warn you that without a lot of effort and therapy it can get a lot worse. I've had too many attempts to count. Too many hospitalizations. I lost my job because of depression and my only choice now is ECT, shock therapy. I wish I had taken my mental health more seriously earlier.

My only comfort in life is my dog and cat. Sadly, another cat who was my baby suddenly died a month ago and since then I've been very serious about wanting to die. I've lost everything and haven't been a part of society for a year now. There's no going back for me.

I really hope you try because people do learn to have good lives and the things people with BPD experience makes them very interesting people to know.

I wish I could help.

I'm sorry, I am not sure I'm able to edit my original post and I forgot to comment on you mentioning ECT. I've wondered if that might be helpful for me and it seems to work for some? When all other avenues are exhausted?

It also scares me.

 

[Mysterymeat]

Thank you for your response. I'm sorry about your cat, that's so painful :-( They're so wonderful.

(Whoops, I'm not sure I reply in this thread? Noob here!)

I know that DBT would likely be beneficial if I put in the effort again...and that makes me more anxious and depressed. In my calmer moments I try to radically accept and cope ahead but it's as if there's a part of me I lack control over that tells me I should die. The voice is constant, it simply varies in intensity.

I am sorry that we are meeting each other on the Internet this way, and I thank you for making me feel slightly less lonely. I don't feel my most articulate right now and I wish I could communicate better.

I'm sorry, I am not sure I'm able to edit my original post and I forgot to comment on you mentioning ECT. I've wondered if that might be helpful for me and it seems to work for some? When all other avenues are exhausted?

It also scares me.

The constant thoughts of dying shouldn't be a reason to commit suicide, IMO. I think it's ok when you get to the point where that's what you want and you've accepted death. It sounds like you should try. I just get that feeling.
After trying all sorts of meds and nothing working or at least lasting long, ECT is the treatment of choice. Unless you can afford ketamine therapy. Unfortunately it doesn't necessarily last long, the antidepressant effect, but it gives you a chance to work hard in therapy and live healthy. I want to try it because I'm curious what it feels like to not have depression. I just can't imagine it working for me though. I think this is just who I am. I'm going to see what happens this weekend and if I can stand it. If I make it to Monday I'll go ahead and try it. I've heard people who have had it say that they waited way too long because it works so well so it's def worth a shot.

 

[imnotsorry]

Hi, I'm 19 and from the UK. I am so grateful that I found this site. I've had a lonely journey through suicide until now, it's so refreshing to find like-minded people.

I have attempted before, starting at 12, I was in and out of hospital and adolescent psych wards, to most recently in February where I was convinced that I was gone, woke up from a coma to find out I was found by the police. I experienced being detained this year which is something that I never want to experience again. I am just gathering up the courage to go. I know what doesn't work and I'm more determined than I ever have been to do it right.

 

[SuicidalDream]

21 year old female from the United States. I used to enjoy video game design, 3D modeling in Blender, and playing music. I still do enjoy these things from time to time. Probably not enough to stay alive though. My life looks pretty good from the perspectives of those who tell me I have no reason to be depressed. Nice parents, upper middle-class lifestyle, and I go to a pretty decent college. Yet somehow I still feel like shit despite all this. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for as long as i can remember. I thought I would feel better by now, which is probably why almost all my past suicide attempts were low-effort and poorly planned.

 

[LonelyLight]

I am a 25 year old woman from the tiny Ireland. I really and truely love a lot of things but my mental state mostly makes me stay in bed. Don't even have a job at 25 how pathetic. If i was to sum myself up, it would probably be "family disappointment". Altho I don't ever take advice from myself (who does lets be real..!), i will talk to anyone about anything. I guess thats what i like AND dislike about myself, my kindness. Better than being a d*ck i guess. If your supposed to sell yourself on this thread, I've failed. However, you can't beat a bit of honesty. Its rare these days. Thanks for reading about me.

 

[aliceliddel]

Hi im 22 years old. People says im a beautiful woman but i have big doubts about it. i have a boyfriend who is depressed. His family have a lot of money and treat me Like shit. They fake about want help US, because we live thogueter, but aways is a trap. This week they get in our house and put my clothes everywere to take pictures and say shit about our house not be clean. His father family is fucking crazy. They call me saying im a whore, im dirty, im lazy, im a Bitch. His mother family works to the father family soo they are fucking assroles who lick the ground to the rich part of family. His parents are divorced and hate each other. This week im on my "grandma's" house. She isnt my real grandma and my parents let me with her wen i born. I know both and they dont talk to me since ive 11 years. They are divorced an remariage too. My grandma make me feel crazy. She is aways asking for atention and i just want to be Alone. If i dont wake up when she calls she come and smash my room's door until i respond. She think this help and she dont want i sucide, but this make me want die more. My boyfriend grandma sended yesterday a lot of messages faking be his mom and saying she want sell the housefor half of price and put my things on garbage. She talk about be prepeared, in other words, she again says she will send someone to kill me. Im tired. My Teenage was a shit, my childhood was a shit and my adult life is a mess. I sometimes think about be a sex professional because in Brasil this is legal, make a lot of money, and die using a lot of drugs. But im not brave enough to do this. Im felling soo tired to be Alive. This is what im living now, but in the past a lot of shit of same kind happen to me. I try to be a good person and help people but no one can help me to get out of this cicle of pain and humiliation. Im anxious, stressed, depressive, i dont like people, and the shits in my childhood and Teenage life make feel atracted by psicopath and sociopath kind. I just cant have a normal romântica life. I dont want get out of my room, i dont want play videogames and cosplay anymore, i dont want have sex/masturbate, i just dont feel the desire to do something.
Im sorry about the write mistakes. Ive learned english by myself.

 

[LifeIsNotFun]

Hello everyone. I am new here, and I'm glad to be here with like minded people who truly understand one another. I've been depressed as long as I can remember. Growing up I had a very broken family, with tons of family politics involved. I was mentally, and physically abused by my father, mother, and majority of my dad's side of the family while growing up, and even to this day. I thought I could escape from all the drama at school, but even there I was harassed. All my life I've always felt like I was stuck between a rock. and hard place. I've always battled with myself in regards to my sexual orientation, and I am not proud of who I am. I never really had a lot of friends, and the ones that I did stopped talking to me altogether. Now, I know no one is perfect, but I tried to be a good person, and put my heart out there, but it seems all people did was take advantage of me and use me, and then just throw me aside. I feel like the black sheep in my own family, and just a black sheep of the world in general. Ironically enough, I tested my personality type, and my P-type is so rare (1-3% of the human population). I'm rare but so broken beyond repair, and I feel like I can never be fixed.

At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with cancer, and battled it for 2-3 years(I am now over 30 years of age). I had four surgeries, and radiation/chemo combo which was very draining. Because of all of this I now deal with severe depression, PTSD, OCD, and BPD. My family doesn't understand what I go through especially in regards to my OCD, it came to a point where I was washing my hands endlessly and spraying my body with Lysol spray. One time I was washing my hands at my mothers residence, and my brother came down the stairs and started physically abusing me because I wouldn't stop waashing my hands. On many instances they also told me I was a burden, and also told me to kill myself many times. They still do to this day. Last year I tried to end my life, but the cops found me just in time, and if they had been five minutes late, I would have not been here. I'm very frustrated that they found me because they truly don't know what I've been through, and what I am dealing with. I really hate the person who found me, and I was in the middle of no where when they did. I truly thought I could get away with it. The cops think they care, and are doing a good deed, but they just want to keep us around so the government can keep taking taxes and make us work to death. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and I truly see the world for what it truly is.

We are just expendable cattle, and we are just born into this world to be slaves to the debt system. Along with the mental health issues, and physical health issues plauging me today (side effects of the chemo and radiaiton). I am truly exhausted(mentally and physically). I just want to sleep forever and never wake up again. I am truly glad I found this place though, because I've always felt alone, but its nice to find people who think alike, and have been through similar experiences and understand. Thank you for reading about me, and sorry for rambling. Cheers.

 

[The Whale]

Hello,
I'm The Whale. My username is inspired by the Blue Whale Challenge. Some believe that whales CTB by beaching themselves.
When I was around 8 or 9, I'd already draw myself jumping off a cliff. I'd rather be a sad girl instead of being a happy girl.
I feel like the same I was a decade ago. I didn't succeed to be a happy person and I'm still "preaching" death.
I don't want to die because I'm suffering. I want to die because death is the only thing I can believe in. Life is temporary, death is permanent.
I also want to die in pain, to remind me how was life one last time before dismissing from mind forever, because pain is what makes it real. It is the second thing I believe in.
Thanks for reading.

 

[postmortem]

Hi, I'm 18 and I'm from India. I've struggled with depression since I was about 13. I'm here because more often that not, I'm preoccupied with ending my life and I don't know where else to talk about how I feel.

Hello everyone. I am new here, and I'm glad to be here with like minded people who truly understand one another. I've been depressed as long as I can remember. Growing up I had a very broken family, with tons of family politics involved. I was mentally, and physically abused by my father, mother, and majority of my dad's side of the family while growing up, and even to this day. I thought I could escape from all the drama at school, but even there I was harassed. All my life I've always felt like I was stuck between a rock. and hard place. I've always battled with myself in regards to my sexual orientation, and I am not proud of who I am. I never really had a lot of friends, and the ones that I did stopped talking to me altogether. Now, I know no one is perfect, but I tried to be a good person, and put my heart out there, but it seems all people did was take advantage of me and use me, and then just throw me aside. I feel like the black sheep in my own family, and just a black sheep of the world in general. Ironically enough, I tested my personality type, and my P-type is so rare (1-3% of the human population). I'm rare but so broken beyond repair, and I feel like I can never be fixed.

At the age of 13 I was diagnosed with cancer, and battled it for 2-3 years(I am now over 30 years of age). I had four surgeries, and radiation/chemo combo which was very draining. Because of all of this I now deal with severe depression, PTSD, OCD, and BPD. My family doesn't understand what I go through especially in regards to my OCD, it came to a point where I was washing my hands endlessly and spraying my body with Lysol spray. One time I was washing my hands at my mothers residence, and my brother came down the stairs and started physically abusing me because I wouldn't stop waashing my hands. On many instances they also told me I was a burden, and also told me to kill myself many times. They still do to this day. Last year I tried to end my life, but the cops found me just in time, and if they had been five minutes late, I would have not been here. I'm very frustrated that they found me because they truly don't know what I've been through, and what I am dealing with. I really hate the person who found me, and I was in the middle of no where when they did. I truly thought I could get away with it. The cops think they care, and are doing a good deed, but they just want to keep us around so the government can keep taking taxes and make us work to death. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and I truly see the world for what it truly is.

We are just expendable cattle, and we are just born into this world to be slaves to the debt system. Along with the mental health issues, and physical health issues plauging me today (side effects of the chemo and radiaiton). I am truly exhausted(mentally and physically). I just want to sleep forever and never wake up again. I am truly glad I found this place though, because I've always felt alone, but its nice to find people who think alike, and have been through similar experiences and understand. Thank you for reading about me, and sorry for rambling. Cheers.

Your story really resonates with me. I'm sorry for what you've gone through. I hope you feel at peace here and wherever you choose to be (or do).

 

[stillwoozy]

Hey everyone, I've been lurking for a while, but as ctb becomes even more so inevitable (under my circumstances) I've decided to join in.

I'm 19, and I've suffered from increasingly worsening mental illness my whole life. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time at 7-8 years old. I've been hospitalized 4 times (suicidal ideation, self harm, suicide attempt/OD, and most recently a psychotic episode) . I have never felt happiness, and I'm tired of playing this game.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Hello, thank you for having me. Call me what you like, it doesn't matter that much at this point. Just looking for a sanctuary and source of information until I ctb. Chronically mentally ill and suicidal, 15 years in and out of psych hospitals and it's just a vicious downward cycle for someone like me. I feel clear-headed now, though, in a way I never felt during past suicide attempts; I feel like this is just The Right Thing To Do(TM) based on logic from how I've experienced the world and I'm not driven by a desperate need to escape right this instant. I want to just quietly fade away so I'm not a burden anymore and maybe I can find some peace, even if that is simply Nothing.

 

[Faraway1990]

I'm 28 years old nearly 29 at the end of the month, it's nice to meet you all and I'm glad to find this place. What to say? I'm generally a happy person reasonably physically in good health and attractive. What's brought me here? Life wore me down and I'm ready to ctb home on my terms I'm a spiritual person I suppose. Society is messed up in so many ways, I've lost my best friend and love. I've been in a perpetual game of get a job lose a job fall in hard times no matter how much I work etc. I'm not depressed really I'm just fu**ING tired of this corrupted reality and just want to go home soon. Thank you my friends for reading I wish you all good fortune in your journey much love

 

[disassociativesloth]

Figured I'd say hi. I've been dealing with depression/anxiety/suicidal ideation for just about 20 years now. I attempted suicide twice when I was younger, but my own ignorance caused me to fail. I'm scared to die these days, but the thoughts are still there. I have a relatively happy life and have no reason I can find for why I'm so depressed or why I still think about killing myself, so I guess I'm here to try to figure things out and talk to people who struggle like I do. It's nice to meet all of you.

 

[iwanttosleepforever]

hello im a male 25 years old looking for a peacfull death

 

[SinisterKid]

I am neither sinister or a kid. But its a great song, so I went with it.

Whatever we want to call it or label it as, this is not living, depending on your own definition that is. I was very fit and active 11 yrs ago, then some bastard well and truly pulled the rug out from under me and hit me with chickenpox in my 40's. Now most will think, "Hey, its chickenpox, nothing serious" Well I spent 12 days in isolation it was that bad. Any viral infection can be lethal if the circumstances are right.

Now I have brain damage[cerebellum] can barely walk or talk and suffer depression and anxiety constantly. I keep thinking I have come to terms with what life has put before me, then I realise its BS, I still want the old me back, but it aint gonna happen. So this is what is left.

I am not sure when, not sure how, although this place has certainly given me some ideas to ponder. All I know is, it will happen at some point in time. I am exhausted. Fighting every day to find reasons to continue to remain is fckin hard work. I know others will find my dying hard to deal with, but surely knowing I am not suffering anymore, like I am right now, will ease that?

This is my life and my death and I should be allowed to control them both in any way I choose. Anyone who disagrees with that, please do not bother to interact with me.

Toodle Pip

 

[KnightBlade]

I just joined this site a couple of weeks ago. However, I spent months lurking before I decided to take the plunge. I have met many warm, helpful, empathetic people. It is rare to find people like that on the Internet nowadays.

So...about myself. Where to begin? I am a 39 year old male.

Mental illness runs in my family — at least on my maternal side. I believe that my grandmother, who primarily raised me, suffered from depression and PTSD. I think her faith gave her the resilience to handle the obstacles life threw at her. She was a wonderful person — the only bright spot in my life. My mother, on the other hand, was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, she rejects any form of treatment and I became the punching bag. Fun times growing up.

My grandmother was my primary means of support until she passed away. I think she picked up on my depressive tendencies early on (kindred spirits) and provided the emotional support and occasional ass-kicking to survive/endure and prevent me from falling into the abyss. In 2005, shortly before she died, she urged me to move to a city hundreds of miles away to escape my abusive mother. A year later, she passed away. I was devastated. To protect myself, I cut my mother and the rest of the family off after my grandmother's funeral.

In order to escape my messy family life, I threw myself into school and later work. Because of the depression, I had little energy left at the end of the day to cultivate a social life. My job is stressful due to toxic management and office politics — with depression, one only has so much energy to make it through the day, so I did not have the energy to party and meet people and frittered away my 20s. By age 30, I have had few dates and one serious relationship.

I was successful at work until my mid-30s, when I had my first major depressive episode. When I returned to work, I found that I was blackballed due to my mental illness. Years of hard work developing my reputation— gone in an instant. I continue to work at the same place, and get excellent performance reviews, but I am constantly passed over for promotional opportunities. I am confined to a little box. Because I forsook my personal life for work, the loss of esteem cut deeply. Add in loneliness, lack of support, attention seeking tantrums from my mother, and side effects from antidepressants (the weight gain was a big boon to my self-esteem) and we have a toxic brew.

I have been struggling to hold on these past few years, and I feel myself teetering towards another major depressive episode. I have tried it all - meds, CBT, essential oils, meditation, prayer, journaling, knitting - nothing has worked. Now, I am staring at age 40 in a few months and I feel I have nothing to show for it. I'm tired. Just very tired of being in survival mode. I have been surviving and enduring so long, I forgot (or did not learn?) how to live and enjoy life. I cannot endure another 25 years working in such a toxic place. My personal life is nonexistent. So, I am ready for all the pain, surviving, loneliness, enduring, perpetual darkness, to end. Good luck to everyone on what they choose to do.

 

[marcusuk63]

I just joined this site a couple of weeks ago. However, I spent months lurking before I decided to take the plunge. I have met many warm, helpful, empathetic people. It is rare to find people like that on the Internet nowadays.

So...about myself. Where to begin? I am a 39 year old male.

Mental illness runs in my family — at least on my maternal side. I believe that my grandmother, who primarily raised me, suffered from depression and PTSD. I think her faith gave her the resilience to handle the obstacles life threw at her. She was a wonderful person — the only bright spot in my life. My mother, on the other hand, was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Unfortunately, she rejects any form of treatment and I became the punching bag. Fun times growing up.

My grandmother was my primary means of support until she passed away. I think she picked up on my depressive tendencies early on (kindred spirits) and provided the emotional support and occasional ass-kicking to survive/endure and prevent me from falling into the abyss. In 2005, shortly before she died, she urged me to move away to a city hundreds of miles away to escape my abusive mother — so I did. A year later, she passed away. To protect myself, I cut my mother and the rest of the family off after my grandmother's funeral.

In order to escape my messy family life, I threw myself into school and later work. Because of the depression, I had little energy left at the end of the day to cultivate a social life. My job is stressful due to toxic management and office politics — with depression, one only has so much energy to make it through the day, so I did not have the energy to party and meet people and frittered away my 20s. By age 30, I have had few dates and one serious relationship.

I was successful at work until my mid-30s, when I had my first major depressive episode. When I returned to work, I found that I was blackballed due to my mental illness. Years of hard work developing my reputation— gone in an instant. I continue to work at the same place, and get excellent performance reviews, but I am constantly passed over for promotional opportunities. I am confined to a little box. Because I forsook my personal life for work, the loss of esteem cut deeply. Add in loneliness, lack of support, attention seeking tantrums from my mother, and side effects from antidepressants (the weight gain was a big boon to my self-esteem) and we have a toxic brew.

I have been struggling to hold on these past few years, and I feel myself teetering towards another major depressive episode. I have tried it all - meds, CBT, essential oils, meditation, prayer, journaling, knitting - nothing has worked. Now, I am staring at age 40 in a few months and I feel I have nothing to show for it. I'm tired. Just very tired of being in survival mode. I have been surviving and enduring so long, I forgot (or did not learn?) how to live and enjoy life. I cannot endure another 25 years working in such a toxic place. My personal life is nonexistent. So, I am ready for all the pain, surviving, loneliness, enduring, perpetual darkness, to end. Good luck to everyone on what they choose to do.

Employers are all the same , they want loyalty off you but don't give it in return .When i was a location manager i was salaried with a company car for 14 stores and warehouse , we moved warehouse and i did about 80 hours , no extra pay , then one day my back went and i went home at lunch time and they stopped me £50 ! then when i was on sick with me depression they sent a letter asking me to return my company car and when i went back they wouldn't let me have it back and as we had out of town stores they expected me to get a bus ! I refused unless they gave me my car back and when they said no i said well you will just have to sack me then , they wouldn't , so i told them what to do with their job , unfortunately once the owner found out how his new chief exec was treating people he asked me to come back . i didnt as my depression had got a proper hold by then as i actually loved my job until the owner semi retired and put a power crazzy dictator in charge who eventually made the company go under

 

[KnightBlade]

Employers are all the same , they want loyalty off you but don't give it in return .When i was a location manager i was salaried with a company car for 14 stores and warehouse , we moved warehouse and i did about 80 hours , no extra pay , then one day my back went and i went home at lunch time and they stopped me £50 ! then when i was on sick with me depression they sent a letter asking me to return my company car and when i went back they wouldn't let me have it back and as we had out of town stores they expected me to get a bus ! I refused unless they gave me my car back and when they said no i said well you will just have to sack me then , they wouldn't , so i told them what to do with their job , unfortunately once the owner found out how his new chief exec was treating people he asked me to come back . i didnt as my depression had got a proper hold by then as i actually loved my job until the owner semi retired and put a power crazzy dictator in charge who eventually made the company go under

So sorry to hear that. I am glad the new chief executive tried to remedy your situation- that says a lot about how good an employee you were. Where I work, the managers all back up and support each other, even when they are wrong. Agree with everything you said regarding lack of loyalty.

Also, for me, because my home conditions were beyond my control, I shifted to work. So work became my life, which is very unhealthy. No one knew about my illness until my doctor sent a letter to my boss explaining why I needed time off after the MDE. I believe my manager shared this information with other managers and I became persona non grata . This benefits her because she can keep a valued employee and resource without the danger of another manager snatching me away.

 

[nw7]

Hello,

This is my first post. I was lurking around the forum since October 2018.
I'm a male in my early 40s, from Canada.

Planning to CTB this year. My method of choice is hanging.