OK, I was in the process of writing my story, but I stopped. It's way too lengthy and complicated to write it all out here, and you'd probably get bored long before you got to the end. Below is a brief paragraph I kept in as that has the gist of it. More after that.
I am a 63 year old woman in southern CA, now. My husband and I have been together for 36 years, off and on. The last ten years we've been here, initially to take care of his mom who had dementia (she transitioned in '15). We had just gotten back together after a 5 year break (never thought we would, but we did), and it was great at first - we really felt in love again. But it pretty quickly started falling apart again. Keep in mind, he is an alcoholic in denial (mostly), not physically abusive, but these last years he's beaten me up over and over again with his words, tone and attitude. Right now, we're barely speaking at all. Anyway, It took both of us to take care of his mom, so neither of us worked - we lived off her monthly income. He received the house and a chunk of money from the family trust, and that's what we're living on right now, and it's dwindling fast, though we each only have a few hundred to use each month. So basically, I'm pretty broke all the time. Money has always been a hot issue for us as well.
OK, so the situation is that we completely hate each other, I mean really hate. He goes out nearly every day all day, no idea where he goes, what he does, who he may be with. I stopped asking after receiving a snarky, "Does it matter?" response. Often he's drunk when he returns, I can tell if he says anything to me, or gets close enough to smell the alcohol. If he's real drunk, he'll be so hungover the next day he spends the day in bed and retching in the bathroom. Keeps drinking though, yes siree, that won't stop him. He even wound up in the hospital once after having a seizure in a market, knocking himself on the head on the way down and not remembering much about it until much later. He'd had a beer on a too empty stomach in the heat of the day and walking wherever previous to that. He didn't drink for at least a few days after that, but he started to make sure he was eating more and better than he had been.
What I need to say here, too, is that I am completely dependent on him, on his money (from inheritance). I have none of my own anymore and I can't work a regular job anymore, even if I wanted to - I've been out of the job market too long, so my skills are shit now, I have chronic pain, and I'm too old to take on at 63-retirement age. I think, though, I'm going to apply for social security early next month. Don't know how long it will take to kick in, but it would help in purchasing the N. So the no money thing has kept me stuck here, otherwise I would have left a long time ago, one way or another.
So things have just gotten worse and worse between us - we're so broke there's no fixing us anymore, even if we wanted to, and I don't think either of us are interested or care enough to. We don't do anything together anymore, no meals, no TV time (I hate TV cuz of the commercials and bullshit on the news), no shopping, etc. nothing. He doesn't drive (long story-nothing to do with the booze) and I would drive us everywhere, but he's taken to walking, taking the Sprinter train, buses, whatever, to get around. Maybe his "friend" takes him places now. Yeah, he actually mentioned that a "friend" of his gave him a bunch of calendars when I asked where they came from.
I have no one.
Even my oldest sister who lives in Los Angeles and is now a marriage therapist, doesn't want to know what's happening with me anymore. We used to be really close, not anymore. She's depressed too and dealing with her own stuff which she won't share with me either, other than she's in agony from pain in her neck that came out of nowhere a couple of weeks ago, for which she's going to have surgery.
I have no one.
There is so much that needs to be done to the house, things are broken, his stuff is cluttering up every room, his bathroom is so scummy and moldy I keep closing the door when I come out of my room, which is where I spend my days mostly. He's talked about moving out of here at various times, but there's so much to do, and nothing has been done so far, I don't think we'll ever get out of here. We're supposed to get an RV and go out to Missouri where building permits are easier to obtain for whatever we want to build, less regulation, less expensive, etc. Uh huh...
Not happening - not for me. Even if I don't ctb, or it fails, I just can't see that happening anymore. We can't even look at each other, how the hell are we supposed to drive out there together in confined quarters with 3 cats that don't like each other much, two of whom have medical conditions that need to be treated. I could just hear him criticizing my every move on the road, denigrating me every chance he can, grinding me down even further under his heel. Yeah, don't think so. My only way out is to ctb.
I've come to hate life in general, my life in particular, with all the crappy choices I've made. I've been horribly depressed for so long now, I think my brain is hardwired to think in terms of depression, negativity, anger, sadness, disinterest in pretty much everything. Only my kitty, Shane, is keeping me here, my devotion to him, my commitment to him. But I'm about to give him up so I can get the hell out of here. My sweet baby, maybe I'll just die of a seriously broken heart to have to leave him with someone else, but it's for his sake that I'm going to do it. I'm getting a little crazy here, too, and I can go off at nothing at all and I'm afraid I may hurt him in a rage, and he certainly doesn't deserve that. But oddly, since I made the decision to rehome him and to ctb, I've gotten calmer, the anger has dissipated a little so I can function a little better. Not happy, the depression is still firmly in place, but the crazy isn't as bad.
OK, that's probably enough for now. I think you get the picture. There's so much more to the story and I'll spill it from time to time in other posts, perhaps. I won't apologize for the length of this or any other post. I like to write and express myself best in the written word (if I can just quit making typos in every other word?!?!?!?). Moderators, I hope this is all okay with you. I'm sure you'll let me know if not.
Thanks for your patience and understanding, folks. I do wish you all well and able to do what you need/want to do. I respect your choices, whatever they may be, as I hope you'll do for me.
Blessings, Love and Peace to you all,
P aka onegoodreason
