Introduce yourself

[fakeimportance]

Already posted but forgot to introduce myself so here goes

I'm 26, British, been struggling with mental illnesses for at least 10 years but been autistic and ADHD my whole life. So I always drew the short straw. I grew up with a loving mother but a toxic father and during adolescence I was emotionally & physically abused at home. Because I'm a neuro-atypical outcast, I was also frequently bullied at school and suffered turbulent friendships that basically destroyed my ability to make and keep any long term friends.

When I was 15 my life was turned upside down by a completely unexpected, traumatising betrayal from someone I thought I could trust. I developed an adjustment disorder that was never properly diagnosed or treated, and because of that I became severely depressed and suicidal. I then developed anxiety disorders and bulimia, this morphed into anorexia after a couple of years.

Currently I still suffer with anorexia, anxiety, depression - and recently had a huge breakdown. I just have to take each day at a time.

 

[dancer-in-adaydream]

Hi I don't find algebra fascinating

 

[Lilythefenfen]

Hi, I'm Lily, Already Posted and completely forgot to introduce myself. I am 24 MtF trans. I suffer from a few mental illnesses but otherwise have a pretty good grasp on my life. I've been struggling all my life with depression and I first attempted to CTB when I was 13 years old. This was due to the constant abuse I received from a mother I slowly watched come to hate me more and more.
At 22 I experienced a major turning point in my life when I attempted to leave home, which affected my decision making.
As for some info about myself in a lighter note!
I love geocaching and exploring the world around me, I love seeing new places. I love reading books and usually keep to myself with my own little awkwardness. I practice Brazilian Jiujitsu and coach young kids to stand up against people who try and take them down, I hope to never see them on this forum. Oh, and I work professionally in the haunted house industry working for big names such as Six flags and Universal studios as a professional haunt actor!

Glad to know I'm not alone in all this.

 

[bunniflop]

hi

F(18). diagnosed bipolar 1 and anorexia.

after 5 hospitalizations + 4 outpatients + 1 residential, i have come to the conclusion that life is not for me. i have been on every mood stabilizer and antipsychotic under the sun, yet something is innately unfixable about me.

i'm tired of therapy and medications and hospitals. i want this to be over with. hoping to ctb soon.

 

[Gilriel]

Hello there! 24M UK. Always suffered with mental health issues for as long as I can remember; I never fit very well. I've never really had an opportunity for clinical diagnosis so I'm not comfortable listing what issues I reckon I have. I'm not very chatty or confident but I'm going to try and make an effort here.

I have a pretty firm plan to CTB with no timeline so I'm not sure how long I'll be here for.

 

[jaxxon_sunn]

Hello I am J. I've lived in Oregon my whole life. Its my birthday in a few days and I will be 21. I love anime, playing instruments, and art. My favorite shows right now are one piece, jojos bizzare adventure and South Park. I play cello and piano (when I'm not tired) draw, and like writing poems. I also love cosplay but don't go out to conventions since I have no friends. I like learning languages (spanish and japanese mainly) and reading classic lit. and other books. Ive been depressed since I was 12 and I (highly) suspect I have autism and other undiagnosed stuff. I have diagnosed severe depression and extreme social anxiety and general anxiety. Im mainly looking for friends or people to talk to and/or advice. I've screwed things up in my life and don't see a way through anymore so just trying to find some happiness or connection before I end.

 

[Loveless]

Hello everyone you can call me loveless, I'm a 26 year old loser Transgender MtF. I've basically struggled all my life with mental health problems, the first time I tried to CtB was at 15, it only made it worse when the rumors spread at school. It's just been a downhill since then, everything seems to get worse everyday. Currently drinking while writing this as it's the only thing that makes me feel normal.
I suppose I should get into the explainy bits, I am a big weeb, I love anime I watch a lot of it, my favorite is Soul Eater. Most of the time though I focus on sewing and other crafts, I made a lot of props and Halloween decorations(it's my favorite holiday.) I like to do cosplay and dressing like a catgirl and doing silly dances.
nice to meet you all love ya~

 

[bbmmss]

Hi there. My name is Bruna and I am 23 years old. What I can say is that I feel that time is passing like sand through my hands and every time this happens it seems to get heavier. A song that expresses this feeling is The Last Day Of Summer by The Cure (listening to it right now). I am pretty sure that I have always had depression, I remember being a very questioning child and always feeling an emptiness in me, like I feel now. The point is that it grows bigger and bigger and honestly I don't care about it. I'm just tired of it. Of everything. Of everyone. I like to imagine that there is a place that is different from anything I have ever imagined.
I hope that exists.
PS: I hate biographies. Never know what to say.

 

[deadlynx]

Hello, you can call me Fuzzball or Lynx. I'm 33; 4 psych ward stays but only 2 attempts. My last was 2018, and it's feeling like 2023 is 2018 wearing a mustache. I was greatly improving in my mental health until everything fell apart around 2022 and everything has been a decline since. A lot of times I think 2023 is the year I die. I dont want to, but the years have proven to me it will never get better, and I'm just grieving what could have been. Experiencing a lot of PTSD and not sleeping well. I hope death brings peace to us all, cause what an awful world this is...

 

[esthe]

Hi, I go by Es, and I'm an 18 years old italian student; I've been dealing with depression for a long time, and I don't think I'll be around for much more: yet with acceptation comes comfort, so I'm at peace with death. Aside from this, I enjoy reading, art, drawing, playing videogames, philosophy and psychology, and studying and learning more and more about pretty anything.
I'm more than willing to chat with anyone, and I'll try my best to help if anyone needs it.
Hope y'all have a wonderful day

 

[ChildofGod1976]

Hi guys, I'm a white, cis, heterosexual, conservative male who hates himself and thinks about suicide every day. I am a medical professional (respiratory therapist) and I know how to commit suicide. Sometimes, it is the only thing I can think about. I really believe suicidal thoughts are a safety valve for me, but who knows, maybe some day...

I am a gun owner. I own a number of them. I do not own any military style semiautomatic weapons, though. I have handguns and sporting firearms. But I would never commit suicide with a gun. It is too messy and prone to failure.

I think I might hang myself, or possibly go out in the cold, lightly dressed, and freeze myself to death. ("Try Not to Breathe" by REM is about that very thing.)

I like to think I'm a good person. But I know I'm not. I have friends, and I have people who seem to like me. They just don't know me very well. Inside, I'm a racist. Inside, I'm scared all the time. Inside, I feel blamed for all the bad things that have happened to this Earth and our country. I feel like the world would be better off without me and people like me.

In truth, the only thing keeping me from committing suicide some days is my daughter. She has emotional problems (under control now) and has contemplated suicide as well. But if I were ever to harm myself, she might follow suit. I feel like my wife and two other children would be okay, after a while. But not my oldest. So when I really get suicidal, I think about her. And when I do die, I've got to make sure it's a death she can handle. I'll have to prepare her for my death.

So that's who I am, partially. There's more to me, but this is the part of me that wants to end it all. I was so glad to find this website. I wanted to go somewhere where it was not anathema to talk about something so intimate as the desire to commit suicide. The subject is literally so taboo that it can get you confined for just mentioning it. I'm glad to be somewhere where I can just talk about it. And you know what? Feel free to judge me. I am used to it. I'm also used to feeling bad. If i get really suicidal because of what I'm getting on this website, I'll just take a break. I will say this: If my daughter dies, I may follow her willingly.

 

[blank_slab]

Not sure how many people will actually look at this but i hope at least one person out there cares who i am so here i go
I'm just an actor guy who has been through some tough stuff and am nearing the brink lol but i hope to be here to chat with other people who are also on the brink and will share experiences they've had because i've had some interesting things happen to me i'm sorry for posting a whole paragraph

 

[TwistedGirl]

I'm a 28 year old woman from the Eastern US. I've always been morbid and fascinated with death, I guess you could call me "goth". I suffer from major depression and also have some borderline personality disorder symptoms. I ideate about suicide a lot. I also like risky behavior including drugs and casual sex, because I really don't care what happens to my body. I'd love to meet some friends who are similar to me so we can talk about things without judgement.

 

[sickbeyondmeasure]

I don't want to disclose too much, but the gist of my life situation is that I'm a mid-20's male suffering from a rare disorder where my body experiences debilitating burning pain; hence my desire in exiting this world.

 

[Grimscribe]

Hello. 25 Male from Brazil.
Since my early teen years I've been suffering from depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations, although I never actually tried doing anything, lack of safe access do it being a huge reason. I've been pretty much alone my entire life, the only person who ever cared for me is my mother, and she's the only reason for why I didn't push harder to end my life.
I didn't came here looking for methods, just a place to talk about it and find people that can truly relate to me.

 

[animetal]

Hi everyone, you can call me Ani

Im pretty new to the community and there's a lot of things that I'm a fan of such as anime and kpop and I also love video games. My little pony is also my favorite thing ever . And drain gang :D I would like to believe things will get better but it's more so me believing a lie . it's inevitable I have to leave pretty soon due to the situation that I'm in. I struggle a lot with trauma and childhood abuse and it's too much to where I'm having problems with memory but being a part of this community makes me want to hold on one more day ( ´△｀)

 

[minx]

Hello, everyone. You can call me Minx, for anonymity's sake. I am a 21 hear old something, currently residing in Germany. I experience bipolar with psychotic episodes and have attemted to CTB before. Hospitalised many times, used to be in therapy and to take meds but in the end, nothing really works. I truly believe that i am just doomed to suffer.

Antinatalism strongly resonates with me and i find comfort in the nothingness i believe one can achieve after death. I truly believe that to let humanity die is the kindest and most selfless deed we can achieve as society.

I won't talk too much about my private life as i feel like i am easily identifiable. Alcohol, video games and body horror give me a temporary solace. I used to be creative, not anymore. I don't believe i am likeable enough to truly be a part of any community, but i will be in your care.

 

[silence of death]

Hi everyone, i'm a 25 years old paranoid schizophrenic, I like to pass time by browsing and shit posting a lot on forums, playing games, chess, counter strike, I played à lot in my youth, back when things weren't this worse

nowadays I don't enjoy doing those things that much, games doesn't bring me much joy, and chating with people is anxiety inducing

that's the unfortunate thing with mental health, when you're sick, it can only get worse, either the meds makes you kind of a zombie, either your symptoms gets worse, and I'm now at a point where I've tried to CTB 3 times but 2 seriously where I got rescued by police or an ambulance, I don't see the point in living anymore, I would do it right away, if if I could find an easy way, harmless to other people, without chance of failing, and those kind of thing, I don't wan't to hurt people, I'm just tired of living this life that I feel got robbed from me when the schizophrenic symptoms started to appear and when I started to understand that life is full of suffering even if you're a sane person, it's a tough battle, I just don't want to partake in it
the method i tried to CTB weren't so successful, infortunately, because they were my primary choice as they were painless and just, a calm sleep
i'm now actively looking for ways to CTB in peace, leave this earth in a calm and peaceful way is important to me, i'm very scared of the more painful common ways people talk about, it's just not a good way to go, i don't want to suffer in my last moments

on a brighter note, I hope I can give some advice and help people that need to be heard, especialy schizophrenic since we must have some things in common, I found that chating and trying to help people kind of help me aswell, at least to get trough the day, it is way easier to talk to people online on a forum than on discord or real life

 

[MemeticNeoplasm]

New here. 35 year old "artist" (trust me, the quotes are called for) / genetic dead end / example of what happens when a person does literally everything wrong. Been depressed since I was eight or nine when I first started thinking "I want out," a feeling that has ebbed and flowed in cycles with diminishing returns on my will to persevere ever since. I'm either "alright" or "just let me die," sometimes multiple times a day.

Been lurking here since Tantacrul's video. Nice to find an honest space for a change without all the useless wannabe messiahs that normally congregate around this "rotten and evil" topic.

 

[Bijinal]

Hello!

I'll be going by Bijinal (which is just a randomly generated word from a randomly generated temp E-mail). I'm a 23-year-old excuse of a guy who has been secretly "failing at life". I was going to share more about myself, but honestly I don't really feel like doing so -like, in a "physiological level, you know?-. Maybe in the future.

So, going to the present. I don't know for how long I've had symptoms and signs of mental health issues, but the last 4.5 years have been specially rough. For 99% of it I haven't done anything but play games, sleep, watch YouTube and P-videos (I don't recall if using the word is against the rules). Now that I am almost officially expelled from college due to poor academic performance and probably on a verge of an emotional turmoil with family, I've been mostly ruminating on whether I should CTB -which is what I feel doing more on a emotional, "impulsive" level- or maybe try toughing life up a little bit more and risk everything on some live dream or go wild and do whatever I feel like doing (since, I am >rationally< fine with going through the consequences).

Honestly, I feel like I didn't use the best words to share about myself, but I assume some people feel that way after writing something, but I appreciate the chance this thread - and the forum in general - gives us to practice writing and express our ideas and feelings. In a weird way spending time writing and posting this "introduction" is probably my highlight of today.

 

[lyfsoverrated]

Hi all. Just found this site today.

At 39 years old, nothing I want to do in life and looking for a peaceful way to end this.

Never saw myself getting to this age in life to be honest. Coming from a father who killed himself when I was 3. I planned accordingly by not having kids or many relationships. Looking back at life I can say I only wished I had ended life around 20-22 years old.

Only recently heard about the SN method, which brought me here. Been looking for a way to purchase, but no luck.

Seems like a lot if intelligent, rational people here, wish I had found this site many years ago.

Best of luck to all

 

[Fall_Apart]

My life is a big waste of time.
I spent most of my life planning to CTB, but I've always tried to put it off, in the hope that something would change.
Nothing has changed, it just got worse. My battle against negative thoughts is endless, rumination on past mistakes destroys me every single day.
Anyway, now that I'm getting close to 50, I feel that I am writing my final pages, in fact for almost a year, I go to the cemetery every week because I can somehow get closer to that state of stillness that I am waiting for.
Sorry for the long introduction, but finally here I feel free to write what I think, without the fear of being judged.
Thank you and a lot of luck to all.

 

[pharmacoepia]

Hello. I go by pharmacoepia, but you can just call me pharma if you really want. As the username implies, I have training with reading toxicological and pharmaceutical documentation. I'm also an autodidact at other things STEM while on my own time and I am a heavy cypherpunk.

While I like to keep my job and place of residence anonymous, all I can say is that I was Canadian-Born, then raised in Aus, then back to Canada, then back to Aus as of 6 months ago.

I have a sort of erratic sleep schedule. Expect me to sign up on my midnight and morning timezones, with the occasional 3 am post.

 

[StarMessenger]

I doubt anyone will find me so here it goes
My name's Mina, thats not anywhere close to my real name, but it's the one that makes me comfortable. Im 20 years old, about to turn 21 tomorrow, ive been struggling with depression, anxiety since 10 years old, and recently been diagnosed with BPD, and on my way to get an autism diagnosis. My mother tongue is spanish so, thats that

All my life i felt like a loser who couldnt ever make friends, all i've done all my life is stay in my room and draw.
I think a lot about suicide but, i dont think its the right time, at least not right now.

Im looking for friends or people to talk about non-serious topics, to distract myself.
I am into anime, videogames, i love arts and craft, sewing, singing, and any sort of creative hobby you can think of

thank you for reading <3

 

[ger3172]

im not new here. i actually have been staying on the forum for longer than i expected, and for longer than the friends i made here. for some reason i never introduced myself so here i go

my name is Kauene (i have no problem sharing my real name) and im a 19yo brazilian girl. ive been struggling since im a toddler and it pains me so much that i have actual videos of myself as a baby so sad and struggling to understand the people around me. ive been suicidal since i was 9 years old, and first threatened to ctb when i was 11, which made people push me away and i got isolated. found comfort in books and movies. tried to open up again but got hurt over and over, SA'd twice by some people I trusted, struggled with alcoholism, self harm, got diagnosed with bpd. got into some other fucked up abusive situations. but I was ok until 3 years ago, until i fell into this depressive pit. i can't get out. i just lose and i just suffer and i don't see how it can change. I already got SN almost a year ago, and meto, but somehow im still lingering.

love you guys <33

 

[jaxxon_sunn]

I doubt anyone will find me so here it goes
My name's Mina, thats not anywhere close to my real name, but it's the one that makes me comfortable. Im 20 years old, about to turn 21 tomorrow, ive been struggling with depression, anxiety since 10 years old, and recently been diagnosed with BPD, and on my way to get an autism diagnosis. My mother tongue is spanish so, thats that

All my life i felt like a loser who couldnt ever make friends, all i've done all my life is stay in my room and draw.
I think a lot about suicide but, i dont think its the right time, at least not right now.

Im looking for friends or people to talk about non-serious topics, to distract myself.
I am into anime, videogames, i love arts and craft, sewing, singing, and any sort of creative hobby you can think of

thank you for reading <3

Omg can we be friends. I love needy streamer overload! Also all those hobbies I like also ^^ Alsoo Happy early birthday

 

[Duality]

I've been a long time lurker but I haven't made an account until now. It's been a long time coming. I definitely feel like I missed out with N and SN, but I think I'm getting closer to being ready to finally ending things on my own terms. I have tried to live and find worth in my life, but it has been very much a struggle so I am just ready to pass on peacefully.

 

[TheAntithesis]

Hello, I'm glad to be here.

I have BPD, I am the direct opposition to rationality, to humanity, and everything that would come with it. I am someone you will come to despise, no matter if I shower you with love and affection, or hatred and spite. I believe in destiny, and fate. Mine was to be the enemy in everyone's life. The path doesn't matter, the outcome will always be the same.

Its nice to meet you.

 

[ongoingo]

Hi everyone.
Never been able to create a life for myself, now that I'm not so young anymore even the word "life" is totally out of my range.
I spend my time watching movies, listen to music and playing videogames, beside having a shitty job.
The discovery of this forum has been a true surprise, express yourself freely today is pretty hard...

 

[telro]

Hey guys!

I live a pretty normal middle class life to be honest. I'm not religious, but I have some nice Christian parents as well. I did well in school and had plenty of friends and technically should have a bright future in my university and working life. After graduating from school, I distanced myself from those friends and also didn't make any new ones (also because of my plans to ctb), so I'm pretty alone now, but it's not like I'm living a bad life. My self esteem is fine, I'm decently healthy, I do a lot of self-care, try hobbies and all the stuff that a normal healthy human is supposed to do I guess. For me, just being aware of my own existence has just been an experience that I hate every waking hour. It's an absolute horror waking up to this world every single day. Though I can't be 100% sure, I believe I was born this way because throughout all my life I can remember I've always felt attracted to the idea of non existence. I hope death can finally fulfill my wish

My main interests in life are videogames and music. I love listening to music and playing piano. I do a lot of music analysis actually and I'm especially in love with virtuoso acoustic and e-guitar playing. For quite some time now I've been too tired to play videogames myself, so I also watch YouTube when I have some free time. Oh and I enjoy tinkering with technology whether it be computers or even just random junk

I've read through some stuff others have written and know that many people on here are suicidal because of life events, poverty, etc and I wish so much that I could give my kind of life away to those people. I don't deserve such a good life anyways and I feel quite dumb for not being to appreciate what I have

Sorry this was a bit long, I've never really introduced myself so freely and I somehow had more to say than I thought I would