Introduce yourself

[Siderly]

Hi. I'm a middle-aged female and I've had depression at various times throughout my life. I try to be positive and find things to enjoy, but sometimes the crushing weight of life just feels like too much.

Hi Imnotokay I am also a middle-aged female, I'm very new here and haven't introduced myself on this thread yet but its good to meet you

 

[Sadbrains]

Hey everyone.
You can call me Ashe. I've been a lurker of these forums for almost a year, because just reading gave me a sense of comfort oddly. I hope to be able to contribute to others and I hope I'm able to share things I've been dealing with without feeling as if I'm attention seeking. My brain makes me feel this way because of how often I was told that and sent to hospitals in my teenage years, so now I do not talk at all IRL and I'm quite mentally sick from this.
Anyways, some non depressing things about me is I make music, skateboard, and I love gaming (So I'm always looking for recommendations!). I'm looking forward to everything here.

 

[ArachnTerror]

Hi everyone. You can call me V. I like playing guitar and collecting model cars. I've been suicidal since middle school but I don't know why I'm still alive until now.

 

[aubrey!]

Call me ru or ruru. Yes, in reference to that one popular song, but also in reference to (ru)shia or (ru)de as many can describe me at times.
I'm a bit of a "collector". I have CDs, all sorts of tech, I like cars, watch some anime, I listen to music, and I eat chips and soda for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. (Don't worry, severely underweight not over). It's been a bit difficult to engage with my hobbies, but it happens I suppose.

I'm not a great conversator, but I'm always interested in getting to know anyone if you wanna put in that effort. haha.

 

[Mimi_]

Hi everyone, my name is Emma. I will turn 20 years old this year. I am a good for nothing who spends her days doing not much. I used to like reading a lot and watching anime. Sadly, I can't no longer bring myself into activities like that. I play genshin impact, seems like the only game i can stick to.
Besides that, I love going for walks in my local park and feed ducks.
Sometimes I just take public transports so I can enjoy listenning music while staring at the scenery. I end up lost in another city most of the time.
I am currently struggling with compulsive eating since I tried to starve myself to de4th and was severely underweight. I feel fat and trapped in my body which somehow re-engage my desire to end it all. That's why I am here.
But anyway, I also like collecting figures and cute stuff like plushies.

 

[TyZi]

hello all,

i'm TyZi, or Alex. i am a 24 year old basement dweller. i don't have very many interests anymore, often spending most of my days playing an MMO called lost ark to fill the endless amount of idle time i have in both my free time and during work, which is fully remote. i dislike my job but the perks make it too good for me to leave.
this past year i've started entering tournaments for ssbm to hopefully make some friends locally that have similar interests as me. it's been about 9 months now of entering semi-weekly and i've yet to make anything resembling a close friend.

i'm diagnosed with BPD, and as a result have tried therapy a handful of times along with a few medications. after some traumatic events in my life i've hidden myself away and become less socially adjusted. at this point, i'm aware that while things have the potential to get "better", i won't do my part enough to see it happen. i have many acquaintances online, but i have no real friends anymore.

hope to find some inspiration or direction from the other users around here.

 

[deadhead12!]

I am 28 in the us and I struggle with bipolar and potentially bpd. I have really fucked up my life from self destructing. I like to ride motorcycles, play games, produce music, watch anime, and going to goth clubs and raves.

i really relate to this!

 

[QteStimBnnuy]

Yo, I suppose

I'm a 23 year old local genius, I collect cutters and tend to cut myself- can get blood cravings, but usually I just love them. I can have quite an obsessive personality and live with great inconsistency. Struggled a lot with (still) undiagnosed issues, but predicting the adhd+bipolar combo along with various others. Always going through losses of interest in everything and a neverending cycle of frustration due to the inability to function properly. My maximum age will be 24 unless I get treated, whether I do or not I'll enjoy lurking in the meantime and gathering information

I enjoy gaming (typically fps main), anime, reading, learning when functionally possible, math, experimenting and testing with chemicals, doing drugs (specifically psychedelics and stimulants), chilling to music n whatnot. I'm socially inept, but do enjoy chatting sometimes

See you around

 

[RainyPrimadonna]

Hey I'm Primadonna!
Love drawing, my pets, music and video games!
Still a student so constantly drowning in school work :/
Nice to meet you.

 

[saringceiling]

Hello, nice to meet you everyone. Thank you for accepting me into your group! I have turned 21 this year and found my way here after falling back into my hole that I somewhat managed to crawl out of 3 years ago. My delusion wasn't good enough unfortunately and now I only have myself and the reality of things. Reading through your stuff helped me a ton to accept this things and I felt really understood so thank you. I look forward to talking to you! (:

 

[Toy]

Hi everyone, nice to meet you!
You can call me Nova! I love writing and especially music.
I struggle with a lot of mental health and physical issues, so my health in general is in a bad place as of right now
I'm very interested in video games and stories with a lot of depth to them :)
I love small animals, especially hamsters, bunnies, and chinchillas!

 

[bestroper]

Hello - I'm quite young, but I have a lot of physical and mental problems. I've wanted a ctb since I was very young. And hopefully one day i will succeed it… And to tell you a little bit more about me, I enjoy reading books and chatting with my friends. I usually read only novels. And I enjoy listening to music from the 90s!

 

[Ozi]

Hey, I'm Ozi. I have wanted to ctb for a while now (since I was 11-12) and might finally succeed one day. Who knows, maybe one day I'll have some big revelation that suicide really isn't the answer, and all of a sudden will love life. Anything's possible

 

[Mercury_Raven]

Hallo, Guten Abend!
You can call me Mercury or Raven, i'm a man that believes in freedom. I like to play chess, RPGs, program in html, css, java and python, and i'm currently trying to make space to learn more languages and learn an instrument.
Bear with me with my pedantic ways, i try to not sound cold in my writting, but is not something i can always prevent. I'm trying to be better with time.

In person i can look quite like an extorvert, but the reality is that i'm an introvert and when i'm in the internet i just can't be the funny and light hearthed guy... just too exhausted for this here, sorry.

EDIT: I had my first existencial dread crisis when i was 9, since them i always looked at the cosmos as something incredible and magnific, but also as a constant remember that i'm insignificant before him. This is part of why i feel so bad about living sometimes... other reason might be loneliness, something i quite frequently call a disease or a curse, sometimes i feel like i was cursed to be lonely and unable to function in the same 'vibe' as others.

 

[runrabbit]

Hey everyone.

You can call me Apollo, I'm a Trans Gay Man in my mid 20's. I enjoy doing anything artistic, like drawing, crafting, sewing, sculpting, 3D modeling, pretty much anything i can get my hands on artistically. It helps sometimes. I'm into video games, anime, cartoons, comics, collecting... just an all around nerd, really.

Despite having been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe Depression, Dissociative Amnesia, Anxiety, Binge-Eating Disorder, ADHD and Autism, I'm really good at pretending to be energetic and a bubbly person. People often really like me when we meet, and I do take pride in that. Takes a long time to build up a mask this strong, babe!

In reality, I'm an extremely apathetic person, and I have a major disconnect with my own emotions and body. I've learned how to be a "normal person" and majority of people around me can't tell that I have any issues at all.

I have a deep connection with space, the universe and the cosmos. Maybe a little spiritually, but mostly philosophically. I would genuinely be interested in talking about this with others, or any of the interests I've mentioned here.

I've attempted to CTB since I was 16 years old (A little cliche, I know) and while I'm not feeling actively suicidal, I'm a Type-A kind of person, and like having a plan in action just in case. Nothing wrong with buying a ticket and keeping it tucked in your wallet for safe keeping, you know?

 

[finnn]

hiii! im new to this forum and don't know much! i like cats a lot and animals too! uh idk what to really add lmao but yeah! i joined this place as a safe space to talk about my mental health issues without being judged

 

[Crappy_joycon]

So Hi everyone here.

Im new here and a little about me, Im a trans man in my mid 30's (and feel like an old fart compared with alot of you) i'm a bit of an artist, i do a lot of comic stuff, and love to play video games and i am a powerlifter. I'm from the south part of Europe, English is not my native languages so sorry in advanced for weird typo's and stuff.

It took a long time and many therapist to get diagnose for my mental state, and sadly the poster child of "growing up in the 90's as a queer, AFAB, neurodivergent child" and now i have the diagnoses of ADHD, Autism, CPTST, quiet BPD, Depression and Anxiety. i have masked so hard most of my live that now i don't really know who i am, and with therapy i'm kinda figuring out myself again.

I am a very kind, goofy, and weirdly enough very happy go lucky type of person, i don't have many friend by own own choice mostly because im quite the introvert.
But the friends i have i hold dear to my heart. i have a loving partner for about 4 years now and he is my rock.

But the reason i'm here is, that i have been depressed sinds i was at least 8 yeas old and have passive suicidal ideation for as long i can remember, i think my first CTB attempt was when i was 10ish (i think) but i think i didn't really realise what is was doing. And from there made several plans at 15, 25, and last year, but never went trough with it.

Now i am in therapy for the 100th time, tried several type's of therapy, medication and the works, and i made the choice the is this therapy doesn't help me, than that is that, and i will take matters in my own hand and will make plans for CTB.
The therapy im in at the moment has a trajectory of a year and a half, 6 months are done at the moment, and although i do notice thing are getting better and im finally getting some closure on some childhood trauma, im still suicidal, still struggle big with self-harm, and severe depression. And i really just want some rest and stop feelling like this.

 

[Zetsubou]

Hi everyone. I just joined this forum and I'm both excited and nervous to be here. I'm excited because I can finally have a space where I can just let go and discuss my feelings without judgement. I'm nervous because, well, pretty much for the same reason that I'm excited. I've kept my feelings hidden for so long that it just feels weird knowing that I can go mask off here.

I'm currently finishing up grad school, but to be honest, I kinda regret it. My mental health was already shit before, but the stress of grad school gradually made things worse, and then the pandemic forced everyone to teach/take classes online. It especially sucks because I've always had a hard time connecting with people and I actually managed to bond with some classmates, but then that connection just fell apart once the pandemic hit and I haven't been able to regain that connection the same way.

I've been thinking of suicide since I was 15. I've looked up methods, written down suicide notes, thought about stealing my mom's medications so I could overdose, and so forth. My suicidal ideations fluctuate constantly, so some days are better than others. I'll be honest, I'm a bit of a coward. I don't do well with pain and I'm scared of what will happen afterwards (which is ironic since the deity I worship is literally the personification of death, but that's how it goes, I suppose). I hope that one day I will either get better, or just finally end it all.

My interests are reading, playing video games (though I haven't played in a long time), watching anime, enjoying nature, and drawing (I'm not very good at it).

 

[underscore]

just call me bard
queer young adult living with still untreated physical & mental illness, things have been worse but r nowhere near ideal. still contemplating CTB, been flip-flopping with numerous attempts spanning back 2 my tween years. just been looking 4 somewhere 2 discuss the reality of living suicidal so long without the forced positivity that seem 2 have taken over most MH spaces
otherwise i spend most my time drawing or watching horror movies or playing mario kart
hope 2 connect with some of yall

 

[junko]

Call me Junko! Guess I'm technically an Adult -- not young adult, not older adult. Awkward stage where I should have a career and family and roots placed down but I simply do not.

Wanted to CTB since 13. Multiple failed tries. Got better over these last two years only for it all to come crashing back down. Have been wanting to CTB again for about a month now.

I don't see things getting better, but I'm hoping to find support in the recovery side of the site if they do. If not, hoping to have conversations with like minded people while we're waiting.

Hobbies include reading, video games, and learning history, religion, and new languages. Trying to get back into anime and manga!

 

[TiredKraut]

Hi there!
I'm already in my 40s and have been considering to CTB since I've been 16. Only tried it once and failed miserably as I usually do at everything in life. Can't hold on to a job or make new friends while losing the old. Started to develop mental illness about 5 years ago and don't feel like treatment does anything for me.
Even activities like listening to music and gaming are getting more and more boring to me. I'm simply bored of life by this point and currently spend my days watching Twilight Zone episodes.

 

[Kanashii]

howdy, call me Kanashii,
I'm a video game loving gay human who only really survives due to my love of music and the people who care about me. 80s fanatic who decided to join this forum for the pure reason of speaking my mind when I want to.
Just a depressed human who doesn't really know where they stand in life completely, has a job I guess and try to do the things that help me cope in this world.
my usual activities include listening to music and playing video games and watching some anime.
I'm hoping to find some people who think like I do here, and maybe try to get better just enough so that I can stand living in this world.

 

[ScissorYoda]

Hey folks,

I'm J, male 28, have been here before and now I'm back again. Have genuinely enjoyed life many times, but keep coming back to this state. Body image issues and a bit of an existential crisis lead me to want to disappear. I am not ready to CTB right now just really here to vent and get things off my chest that I can't in person. I have a good support network but there's a line I cannot cross with them and any mention of suicide just gets a fear based positivity response, which I understand, but it's not helpful.

The way I view the world has changed a lot in the past few years and I'm not too sure how I feel about it. I feel like mental health is just a matter of perception, the same objective reality could be presented to 10 different people and they would have 10 different internal experiences. I believe our whole reality is internal, I may see something 10m away but the image is created inside my brain, the same with every sense. In this way I feel completely isolated and disconnected. Everything is just energy manifested in different ways, the human experience can be both ecstatic and hellish.

Went on a bit of a tangent there I'm just thinking out loud, anyway hope everyone is doing ok (relatively). Ciao

 

[JJMaynard97]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hello everyone!

My name is Jordan Maynard, I'm 25 years old from a small town in the Uk Called Dunstable, based in Bedfordshire. I'm a friendly, caring guy. But shy and lack confidence through out my hole life. I feel these last couple of years and especially months I've become a Burden. I mess everything up and fail at most things. Walk through the woods each day feeling lost, lonely and like I don't deserve to be here. I'm about 5ft 11, a Landscape Gardener. Liv with my Nan and Uncle, but struggle with day to day life. & that's it really. Just a nobody at the end of the day…….

 

[backbedroomcasualty]

hi I'm 22 I have so much good in my life but I self harm and fantasize about harming myself constantly, my self esteem is low I feel sorry for existing . Im constantly wondering whether any of this is worth it. I was put here and I've felt nothing but pain and emptiness so far...
hours wash by, days wash by, weeks wash by and still the same pain. At night it hurts even worse.

oh and I like 80s movies like the lost boys and swimming in the sea

 

[tuyu]

hi ima new member here.
had SI since I was 5-7 y.o since I've always thought of life as meaningless suffering. im diagnosed with chronic depression. but hey I have a relatively normal life (I have a full time job and earn decent money I guess so hit me up if you want study tips bcs despite being depressed I still study pretty hard) except all my friends don't talk to me anymore :) and I hate my family and wish they don't exist :)

nice to be in a place with many likeminded people such as yourselves becoz all I'm surrounded with irl is just normies

im just trudging through irl rn to earn & save up enough money so I can ctb in some other country and remain unidentified (no funeral - I dislike celebrating my life)

hobbies (???)
- music (yes I'm a tuyu fan and there's a song about ctb I guess that's how I came to find out about this term anyway)
- anime (but I touch too much grass to catch up with newest anime)
- gaming (rpgs and relaxing games..)
- watching gore & crime scene cleaning videos

 

[l0ve4eva]

i used to be a member of the og reddit and then lurked for methods here afterwards but never used this account. figured out i could post in the one place where i won't feel judged for being a total loser. every time i come back here it has less and less functions available. it would be a shame if this website went down :(

some things about me:
- i'm a lesbian
- i have a grad school degree but i'm technically a neet since i'm terrified to apply to new jobs because i have barely any experience and am traumatized after being mistreated and overexploited by bosses at my previous jobs. labor laws are nearly nonexistent in my country and everyone has an "if you complain you're too weak for Real Life" outlook so it's pointless to reason with anyone. even therapists judge me for being too scared to work again.
- never attempted to ctb but i have a lot of si since i was bullied since i was 11
- i have severe anhedonia and zero motivation to do anything as i fail to see the point on living under late stage capitalism and impending climate doom lol
- i am probably autistic but there are zero resources or treatment where i live
- i tried being a high school arts teacher once. i only lasted one month.
- i used to go to anime cons and wearing cosplay (being skinny is the only thing i'm very good at) but i developed very visible and deep forehead wrinkles from stressing non stop since the day i was born so i feel 2ugly to dress up anymore
- i have an extremely hard time making friends because i have no idea of how to approach people or what to say, seriously it's like a mystery to me. this is very bad because in my 32 years of life i have learned living well is never about what you know but about who you know
- i get panic attacks from weed edibles :(
- i genuinely believe there should be government mandated handlers to help mentally ill people like me. i think life is worth living but not in this modern polluted society

 

[bonerot]

Hi everyone you can call me bonerot (they/them)
Im just spending my days rotting away doing practically nothing. I have attempted to CTB multiple times and at this point I don't have the motivation to try again unless I know it will work. Gotta try to stay alive for a few more years cause I made a promise that im probably not going to keep. Spent way to much time in psych hospitals and TBS programs and it just made it all so much worse.
if I write anymore shit its just gonna be a trauma dump so that's my backstory for now.

I like watching anime and YouTube. When I have the motivation I love reading. I spend pretty much all day either in my room or local parks. Finally did my GED and going to college next year tho probably gonna fuck that up.
At this point I just want to talk to people research methods and idk.

This is my first post so sorry if its kinda shit

 

[Love Ash Love]

Hey, you can refer to me as Ash. There's not much to say about me--I'm a writer, artist, and generally academically gifted person in my spare time, I suppose--except that I'm pretty much open to just about any discussion. It's not like I have shame or anything, haha. I'm usually sort of stuck in my own head and introverted, but other than that, I'd be glad to talk about anything. I'm... somewhat of a hikki (I spend all my time either at school or in bed, pretty much) and I'm only really tangentially connected to reality.
...technically speaking, while "Ash" isn't my legal name, it's my preferred name, and the name of one of the people in my head, so... idk if that counts as too much personal information. Either way, I'd love to spend time chatting with people and otherwise experiencing this forum with people who are like me. I love you all, and I hope I can enjoy my stay.

 

[redbathingduck]

Hey everyone, I'm new here and you can call me Emily. I'm 22 y/o and a transwoman. I've lurked on the forum before but decided I wanted to join myself as well and hopefully find some connection with people going through similar things as me.

I have been diagnosed with severe treatment resistant depression, autism, social anxiety, gender dysphoria and now they're thinking I've got some kind of personality disorder that 'keeps me sad' as well so that's fun. I've had depressive episodes on and off since I was about 13 but it's been a constant for pretty much 4 years now and only seems to be getting worse to keep going. I've had 4 failed CTB attempts in the last 2 years and spend 3 separate months in a psych ward over the past year. I have tried a bunch of different providers, kinds of therapy and a bunch of meds. Started tranylcypromine (MAOI) 5 and I've had 'some' better moments every now and then but nothing significant yet. Here's hoping it'll gain more effect, though I'll admit I don't have a lot of hope left. One good thing that's happening to me is that I can finally start hormones for transitioning soon, after years of waiting lists, so I hope they can maybe make me feel better too? Though again I don't have a lot of faith.

I technically still go to college but I've barely been the past 4 years and I'm approaching my 3rd time of doing over the 3rd year so that's not going great either. I also have a job still but I have been on sick leave for almost 2 years so that's ending soon too, coupled with my student finances probably stopping after summer after summer as well which means I'll be in financial trouble too which isn't very fun to look forward too either. Besides that I do like things as video games, anime/manga, reading, drawing and cooking but I haven't really been doing much of any of those things for a while because doing anything is hard at the moment. I have a few online friends but I can't really talk to them about topics like this, and besides that I don't really have anyone in my live besides a complicated relationship with my mom (I live alone btw) and a bunch of health professionals, which can get pretty tiring too.

Apologies for the overly negative introduction but I guess those things can be kind of expected here. I'm hoping to interact and chat with some of you people whether it be about 'Offtopic' topics or serious stuff like CTB.