Intro/tired of my illness

[Seekingawayout]

I've been living with chronic illness for over 20 years. I just can't take it anymore.
IDK how or when I'll CTB yet. For the moment I've stopped eating, hoping this pushes my chronic electrolyte imbalance into life threatening stages. Maybe I'll have a heart attack. Maybe I'll pass out in the bathtub. Faint and fall on my chef's knife right to the neck or heart.
Failing any of that, I might attempt shallow water blackout in the tub. I don't have much hope for it, but I think my family would believe would just I passed out.
Realistically, though, it might be night night or tourniquet with a bag over my head, or partial hanging.
Leaning towards night night/tourniquet because I think there is less chance of being heard. I'm never completely alone in the house, but they also rarely are aware of what's going on outside their rooms.

 

[FuneralCry]

The Night Night method sounds risky and unreliable from what I've read, but I guess that if it actually works then it's always another option for ctb. Your wish to leave is understandable, it really is awful how this life can torture people to such an extreme extent and it sounds like you have suffered for such a long time, it must be really tiring what you have to endure. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Seekingawayout]

The Night Night method sounds risky and unreliable from what I've read, but I guess that if it actually works then it's always another option for ctb. Your wish to leave is understandable, it really is awful how this life can torture people to such an extreme extent and it sounds like you have suffered for such a long time, it must be really tiring what you have to endure. I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

Thanks. I'm just so tired of living this way. I did find a med that finally helped about 3 years ago, but the trouble is, it will eventually stop working. I'm afraid it has already started to lose some efficacy already. Even then, I have so much damage from everything that I'll never be "normal".

I've seen many posts about failing with night night. I can find my sweet spot pretty easily, but admittedly haven't tried to replicate it with night night yet though. Honestly hoping my electrolytes plummet and take things out of my hands. As long as they do fast, otherwise I will be made to go the ER.

 

[wantittoendsoon]

inert gas seems to be the best method by far if you really plan it right as I intend to do soon. I understand that there is no way to hide the fact that you ctb with that method unless you have a trusted friend remove the evidence, in which case I don't think they really know what happened.

 

[Seekingawayout]

inert gas seems to be the best method by far if you really plan it right as I intend to do soon. I understand that there is no way to hide the fact that you ctb with that method unless you have a trusted friend remove the evidence, in which case I don't think they really know what happened.

I've looked into it. I don't have the money. My funds are super tight.

 

[wantittoendsoon]

I've looked into it. I don't have the money. My funds are super tight.

Too bad, if you lived close to me, my setup would be good for at least 3....I'm in Scotland

 

[Seekingawayout]

Too bad, if you lived close to me, my setup would be good for at least 3....I'm in Scotland

That would be lovely, but no where near you I'm afraid!

 

[Lostinspace]

inert gas seems to be the best method by far if you really plan it right as I intend to do soon. I understand that there is no way to hide the fact that you ctb with that method unless you have a trusted friend remove the evidence, in which case I don't think they really know what happened.

What gas are you using if I may ask?

 

[wantittoendsoon]

What gas are you using if I may ask?

I'm using Argon simply because it was the easiest to obtain.

 

[botch3d]

Too bad, if you lived close to me, my setup would be good for at least 3....I'm in Scotland

Are you actually looking for a partner(s) ?

 

[wantittoendsoon]

Are you actually looking for a partner(s) ?

sure, where do you live? I can basically go anywhere in the US or The UK

 

[Jadzia]

I've been living with chronic illness for over 20 years. I just can't take it anymore.
IDK how or when I'll CTB yet. For the moment I've stopped eating, hoping this pushes my chronic electrolyte imbalance into life threatening stages. Maybe I'll have a heart attack. Maybe I'll pass out in the bathtub. Faint and fall on my chef's knife right to the neck or heart.
Failing any of that, I might attempt shallow water blackout in the tub. I don't have much hope for it, but I think my family would believe would just I passed out.
Realistically, though, it might be night night or tourniquet with a bag over my head, or partial hanging.
Leaning towards night night/tourniquet because I think there is less chance of being heard. I'm never completely alone in the house, but they also rarely are aware of what's going on outside their rooms.

I understand how you feel, I've been living with chronic illness for over 9 years. Most of that time spent in bed. Sending hugs

 

[Lostinspace]

I'm using Argon simply because it was the easiest to obtain.

Do you have the whole setup ready? I was seriously considering N2, but everything just seemed so complex (pressure, flowrate)

I've been living with chronic illness for over 20 years. I just can't take it anymore.
IDK how or when I'll CTB yet. For the moment I've stopped eating, hoping this pushes my chronic electrolyte imbalance into life threatening stages. Maybe I'll have a heart attack. Maybe I'll pass out in the bathtub. Faint and fall on my chef's knife right to the neck or heart.
Failing any of that, I might attempt shallow water blackout in the tub. I don't have much hope for it, but I think my family would believe would just I passed out.
Realistically, though, it might be night night or tourniquet with a bag over my head, or partial hanging.
Leaning towards night night/tourniquet because I think there is less chance of being heard. I'm never completely alone in the house, but they also rarely are aware of what's going on outside their rooms.

I hope you're doing ok today despite everything.. I had constant nerve and muscle pain for several months and it's hell, so living with s chronic illness for 20 years must be really hard, I'm so sorry But it also tells me how strong you are!

 

[wantittoendsoon]

Do you have the whole setup ready? I was seriously considering N2, but everything just seemed so complex (pressure, flowrate)

I hope you're doing ok today despite everything.. I had constant nerve and muscle pain for several months and it's hell, so living with s chronic illness for 20 years must be really hard, I'm so sorry But it also tells me how strong you are!

I do have everything I need ordered and on it's way. I have researched extensively so feel free to ask questions

 

[Seekingawayout]

I hope you're doing ok today despite everything.. I had constant nerve and muscle pain for several months and it's hell, so living with s chronic illness for 20 years must be really hard, I'm so sorry But it also tells me how strong you are!

Thank you!
I'm about as good as I can be. I also have nerve pain (along with many other symptoms and complications). You do get used to a certain amount of discomfort and pain after awhile, but it still wears you down.
I've been dreading the inevitable worsening of my illness, and all that entails. NG tubes, surgeries, long hospital stays. Weeks of nothing but broth and jello. Unimaginable intestinal pain (childbirth has NOTHING on the pain of strangulated small intestines!). I don't know if I'm being rash about it or not, but I just have this dread that after these last couple years of semi-relief that things are going turn for the worse and I'll be too sick to try to CTB.

 

[Lostinspace]

But maybe it would be better to wait and see what fears will actually manifest themselves? I'm not trying to minimalise your suffering right now, just a thought And I know how hard it is to live in the moment when the fear of the future is constantly looming

 

[Seekingawayout]

But maybe it would be better to wait and see what fears will actually manifest themselves? I'm not trying to minimalise your suffering right now, just a thought And I know how hard it is to live in the moment when the fear of the future is constantly looming

The thing is, there are usually no warnings when I flare. Just sudden, unimaginable pain. It's not a slow process when things go bad. I could eat dinner, then wake up in the middle of the night in so much pain I'll be begging for death. But at that point I wouldn't be strong enough. The thought of 1 more NG tube is too much.

 

[Lostinspace]

I'm so sorry.. If it weren't for your illness, would you want to live?

 

[Seekingawayout]

I'm so sorry.. If it weren't for your illness, would you want to live?

It's hard to say. I've lived this way for so long I can barely remember what life is like without it.