Venting Insane spiritual pain

[OnMyLast Legs]

I am so horrified by the way I lived my life. I'm writing for sympathy but if you knew everything about me you wouldn't be sympathetic. Christians say that's what happens at the Last Judgment--you don't pity the damned. I have been a delusional, (not so) secretly megalomaniacal coward for decades. I've broken my word. I've avoided hard work while fostering the belief that I was still somehow better than everyone and cruising to a bright future. I've escaped into vice like drugs and pornography. When women gave me the time of day, I mistreated them. I became a nasty far-right extremist in the gutters of the internet: racist, misogynistic, antisemitic, homophobic, transphobic. Another way to prop up the ego of a weak, vicious little man. Now I see myself clearly and it's unbearable. Moment to moment I am attacked by horror, my stomach twisting in knots. I don't have a gun yet. I have to compose myself enough to buy one. Once I have it I'll probably be too scared to use it, despite the painlessness. Because guess what, I'm not sure I can "get away with it." Despite the seeming silliness of revealed, supernatural, miraculous religion, I fear punishment in the afterlife.

Fatalism/determinism seems true, right? I am a biological machine that doesn't work properly. One of the many unsuccessful organisms natural selection weeds out. My consciousness depends on my brain and can't go anywhere without it. We know this by now.

It's even more narcissism to splash all this over the internet. At this point everything is a coping mechanism. I feel a little calmer typing, so I post.

Thanks to any posters here who want to comfort a bad person.

 

[raiseurweapon]

i understand this all too well, u are not alone.

 

[ireallywasnttogopls]

you are a good person, I can tell

humans are complex, and our behavior / the reasons we do the things we do are intricate

you don't have to beat yourself for things you did in the past, we are constantly evolving and our past actions cannot fully define us

you wont be punished in the afterlife, everything will be okay

I hope you can find peace

 

[behindtheveil]

Have you heard the saying, since you mentioned Christianity -"a repentant man may enter the gate of heaven". Why don't we take it in the context of this life. How or what would you repent for if you haven't made any mistakes. We all make mistakes, sometimes even sin but that is the nature of this life. It will make us do that and later create circumstances to show us the error of our ways. Call it the secret of nature.
We don't know what is on the other side of the veil. Will there be judgement, love, rejoining or anything else, but whatever there may be, the repentance and love in our hearts will take us through without sorrow, bitterness or fear.
By admitting to yourself that you were wrong before is the first step that you have already taken. Now fill your heart with love and try to do good deeds for the remainder of this life would be the second.
You are loved. You were always. You just didn't know that before. But now you do.
Sending you lots of love and blessings.

 

[Worndown]

Christianity has two main flavors.
One is filled with support, caring and love for others. Service and kindness prevail.

The other flavor is about denial, continually proving you are worthy and the promise of eternal damnation and suffering if you fail to meet these requirements.

One is purported to be initiated by a supreme being. One is the constructed by man.
Man is bad at this.

Take a deep breath and relax. You seem to be pre-paying your damnation right now.

You are here now, on this site, with a wide variety of people. All faiths, all styles, all professions and all fears.
We are the same.

You seem to have recovered from far right leanings. Simply recognizing that is the first step.

Go forward being a better, humble servant of mankind. Interact, learn and enjoy humanity on a common level.

You are one of us and that is not a bad thing.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Well, you acknowledge that you acted stupidly. That already makes you someone of value. I've always believed that cooperation in an inhospitable environment like life is natural. It's not linked to the supernatural, God, etc. We see cooperation in various species. In humans, this mechanism works to a certain extent given the tendency of this species to act in the most stupid ways. I use "cooperation," but in practice it translates to "not doing to others what I wouldn't want done to me." I don't know exactly if this past you recount is the reason you gave up. If it is, you should rethink it. You might end up discovering that you enjoy life more than you imagine. That's not my case. I have no doubt that life is meaningless and that we are only here by chance, therefore it makes no sense to be subjected to any discomfort caused by simply being alive.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I don't know exactly if this past you recount is the reason you gave up.

Here's the thing: I didn't do anything ELSE. I did menial work until 2019 and now I live with my dad. I'm 36. I can't fantasize anymore that I'm about to rise up and have a good life. Lying to myself and "living in my head" have kept me going at least since I dropped out of college 15 years ago. I have a nightmare life and I can't imagine a future where I somehow put my hand to the plow. What would I even do? How am I gonna pay bills? All I wanted were higher, self-actualizing things like art, scholarship, athletics. I never had them at a high level. But I kept telling myself I WOULD someday in my idle, grotesquely extended boyhood.

I really thought I was some kind of Nietzschean ubermensch sitting at home, posting on 4chan, smoking weed, and jacking off. I could not be more ridiculous.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Here's the thing: I didn't do anything ELSE. I did menial work until 2019 and now I live with my dad. I'm 36. I can't fantasize anymore that I'm about to rise up and have a good life. Lying to myself and "living in my head" have kept me going at least since I dropped out of college 15 years ago. I have a nightmare life and I can't imagine a future where I somehow put my hand to the plow. What would I even do? How am I gonna pay bills? All I wanted were higher, self-actualizing things like art, scholarship, athletics. I never had them at a high level. But I kept telling myself I WOULD someday in my idle, grotesquely extended boyhood.

I really thought I was some kind of Nietzschean ubermensch sitting at home, posting on 4chan, smoking weed, and jacking off. I could not be more ridiculous.

Well, then you're on your own. You're simply deciding whether you want to live through this ordeal or not. Your past is no longer relevant. You already know you acted stupidly. Like everyone else, you have the right to decide whether to continue. Unfortunately, as we know, if you decide to end this process, you won't get any help. Society condemns it, the state condemns it, and SI are your own enemy.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Well, then you're on your own. You're simply deciding whether you want to live through this ordeal or not. Your past is no longer relevant. You already know you acted stupidly. Like everyone else, you have the right to decide whether to continue. Unfortunately, as we know, if you decide to end this process, you won't get any help. Society condemns it, the state condemns it, and SI are your own enemy.

Ain't that the truth. I appreciate your frankness.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I'm so deep into cognitive deconstruction. I can't think. I can't plan. I couldn't sleep last night. I slept 3-4 hours the night before. Self awareness is a constant torture. When I'm forced to be busy and act normal I start thinking okay, things are bad, but shotgun in the mouth bad? and I shy away from suicide. As soon as I'm left with my own thoughts again I realize yeah, it's that bad.

I still haven't bought the gun and I can't today or tomorrow. I fear the background check will be delayed too for some reason, if I can even get the courage to go. That's before the courage to blow my freaking head off. Death seems unattainable precisely because I'm in so much pain.

Some of you seem calm and collected about your suicides. You make long term plans for exit bags or similar. How I wish I had that degree of self-possession.

The only thing I have on hand is hanging and it just hurts too freaking much. I don't think the mental pain can force me into it. When it increases, competence and willpower decrease and I just want to curl up in bed and engage in ideation or listen to a random YouTube video. Anything not to think.

My impulse is to beg whoever will listen for euthanasia. Guess what, that person isn't there. They don't give American social workers Nembutal to pass out. Nor psychiatrists or "crisis teams" or anything like that.

Like @Tired_birth_1967 said, when you choose suicide, you're on your own.

 

[itsgone2]

I have been a delusional, (not so) secretly megalomaniacal coward for decades. I've broken my word. I've avoided hard work while fostering the belief that I was still somehow better than everyone and cruising to a bright future. I've escaped into vice like drugs and pornography.

I'm with you unfortunately. I'm afraid there's no hope in this life. Who knows what awaits.
Insomnia isn't helping

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can't belittle what you feel or say the things you did weren't all that bad or had some justification- I don't know. Obviously, all you have is the present and future though. Are you still tempted to/ do you still act in the ways you now regret? Have you apologised to the people you may have hurt? Have they accepted your apology?

Do you know why you acted as you did? Maybe not to excuse yourself but, maybe it's important to work out what motivated you to act in those ways.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I can't belittle what you feel or say the things you did weren't all that bad or had some justification- I don't know. Obviously, all you have is the present and future though. Are you still tempted to/ do you still act in the ways you now regret? Have you apologised to the people you may have hurt? Have they accepted your apology?

Do you know why you acted as you did? Maybe not to excuse yourself but, maybe it's important to work out what motivated you to act in those ways.

I think it's less hurting people than embarrassing myself to people. It would be impractical and imposing to chase them all down seeking some kind of rehabilitation. It was mostly barking my insane opinions at them.

I know why I thought and acted the way I did: wounded narcissism. At least for the social media posting. For other things (backing out of a big commitment in high school) it was just cowardice and the willingness to take on shame and accept being a pariah. I melodramatically made a promise to a bunch of people and I really didn't want to keep it...so I didn't. I thought I could just bury that but no, it screwed me up deeply.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's less hurting people than embarrassing myself to people. It would be impractical and imposing to chase them all down seeking some kind of rehabilitation. It was mostly barking my insane opinions at them.

I know why I thought and acted the way I did: wounded narcissism. At least for the social media posting. For other things (backing out of a big commitment in high school) it was just cowardice and the willingness to take on shame and accept being a pariah. I melodramatically made a promise to a bunch of people and I really didn't want to keep it...so I didn't. I thought I could just bury that but no, it screwed me up deeply.

Truthfully, it doesn't sound terrible. You expressed a difference of opinion. Maybe an extreme or slightly offensive opinion. We can ignore other opinions if they are too much for us though. We may not be outright offended by someone who is highly opinionated. We may also decide that they lack maturity and that their ideas may well become more moderate/ tempered as they age. So, we may quietly ignore them, without taking huge offence. Obviously, it depends on how aggressive and personal they were of course. Plenty of people who come across fiery as young seem to mellow as they age. I think there is some leeway.

I think you've also got to be pretty lucky for people not to let you down in life at some stage. I even had a best friend not do something they promised. I'm sure I've failed to live up to promises now and then too.

Again, it's not exactly good and it probably annoyed and inconvenienced people but, I imagine most of us have both done it ourselves in some way, or experienced it.

Again though- it's a learning curve I suppose. All we can do is to try not to repeat that behaviour.

Your post reminded me of a quote from 'Jane Eyre': 'Dread remorse when you are tempted to err... Remorse is the poison of life.' That's all we can really do though in the present: avoid the things now we are likely to regret later. Maybe we need to screw up in order to know what we'll regret though. I wonder how many people live a blameless life.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Remorse is the poison of life

It's been my dominant emotion for decades and has indeed ruined everything